Understanding Prosperity

I've often heard people use the phrase "dirt poor" I laugh every time. Very few people actually know what that means. Its been a long time since the people of the United States have had dirt floors. The closest thing even relatable for many is a crummy apartment building.

All of our perspectives are skewed by our experience. To some, being wealthy means having a home or going to college. To others it may be that next piece of property or a large investment paying off. But because our perspectives are skewed we tend to judge other's based off of what they do or don't have. We judge ourselves the same way. Whether its an attempt to define ourselves, prove ourselves, or just the desire to succeed... we tend to forget the point.

I was just sitting here drinking a cup of coffee doing a little reading and working on a project for my church. Not because I had to, but because it was enjoyable. It literally gives me joy. And not just a little bit of joy either. I mean there are few things in this world I enjoy more. Just sitting here in peace, working, thinking, drinking coffee. Its a truly intimate time for me. Its a time I like to pray, and discuss with God whats going on in my life, where I'm at. Suddenly it had occurred to me what Paul was talking about when he said in Philippians 4:12:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

I was like. HEY! Things aren't that bad, why am I always so worried about the struggle! Isn't the end all be all to be sitting here, with a cup of coffee, working on something with God? Isn't that the goal? To be sitting with Him, drinking coffee, going over the day. Planing our next move? Man, what have I been missing?

I understand WHY I think the way I do, I grew up dirt poor. I know what its like not to have. I know what its like to struggle. To be alone. To be destitute. I know what its like to feel totally useless. Those experiences drive me to work harder and at the same time drive me towards hopelessness, towards apathy. The knowing damages my perspective and causes me to idolize an idea of prosperity that doesn't even make since. It causes me to throw out any idea that doesn't fit into my perspective. Whats more, is that I know it, I understand it, I am vigilant against it, and yet I succumb to it. I succumb to how I view those with wealth and those without wealth. I succumb to how I view men's hearts. To what they'd do with it. The knowing doesn't help.

Get this. Knowing doesn't change it. It took a moment with God to even really understand it. Prosperity isn't about the wealth or the lack of it. Its not about even "being content with what you have" its about being content with the PROCESS. Is about letting it happen and just sitting down brewing another cup of coffee, putting your hands to something and saying, whats the next move God? Prosper me.

So that is what I'm going to do.

The Risk Is All Mine

I'm told I am a very black and white person. I have a tendency to make up my mind, draw a line in the sand and stand by what I believe. People have different impressions of what the says about me. I've been called fanatical, stubborn, hard headed, close minded, integris, loyal, faithful. Some people have seen it as a great weakness. Some people have seen it as a great strength. I'm sure there is truth to both sides. 

The truth is, it has never been a difficult thing for me to stand up for what I believe. I'm a deeply passionate and morally driven individual. I genuinely care about the issues that effect other's lives. I make a very plain connection between the issues that we have and the quality of life we experience. Most of the time I am so quickly moved by a wrong or injustice that my mouth vomits out my belief. This is true of the way I live my life as well. You could ask anyone close to me. It is near impossible to get me to act contrary to what I believe. After all, the risk is all mine.

What is difficult for me however, is to believe for other people. Something that, as a christian has really challenged me. I think the heart of it comes down to this. I have no problem risking my life, or my reputation. Fundamentally, I find character and truth to be infinity more valuable than any of the former. But, when it comes to risking those same things for other people's sake. I get more than a little nervous. It is a real test of what I believe.

I could convince myself that it is my care and love for people that causes this. That I value people so much so that I do not wish to risk any harm to them. But that's simply not true. I have to really evaluate why I value truth and character over life and reputation and I think that the root of that is found in Christ. From where I sit in life, from my own personal experience and understanding, I have found that the promises and character of God are infinity more valuable than anything I could obtain in this life. Greater that people. Greater than wealth or material possession. Greater than any title or position or influence.

 So if I truly believe that, and if I truly believe that Jesus Christ raised from the dead with the promise of eternal life and limitless all enveloping relationship, then if I really care about individuals, then I MUST believe the same thing for them. If I am not willing to risk those people's life and pride on the promises of God's truth and the greater truth in Christ's  Character, then one of two things are true. Either I do not love those people. Or I do not actually believe what I say I do.

This has been something that has weighed heavily on my heart in the recent months. With the understanding and God given revelation of this core belief, I have come to be so compelled to speak into other's lives and to intentionally reach out and risk other's in a way that has really tested my faith. It's been challenging to speak truth when no one wants to hear it and to directly stand in opposite of what seems to be plain fact. Many people have accused me of arrogance and religious dogma, they have a hard time understanding how risking other's can be a loving act. I can understand that. I'm willing to look the arrogant fool if it means other's will reap the fruit of intervention.

I'm glad Jesus was too.

What is it to be a Bride?

You know, it's strange at first to know that God calls us His bride. Especially as a man I found it uneasy to be referred to in a feminine nature. What is a bride to me? What does it means to be His bride. I think at first we hang on the idea that a bride is a woman. Which is accurate but really it falls short of the true symbolism of a bride. I can't help but think of Rachel. When Jacob fought so hard and labored so many years of his life away to be with her. It didn't matter how high to price raised or how many years it might cost him. There was no other option for him. She was his bride. 

To be a bride means to be waiting, to be engaged in, or to be recently married. When God calls us His bride its a promise. It's a covenant. And when you understand the reality of the Cross and the magnitude of His blood spilled for us and when we really get what 30 years on the earth patiently waiting and thousands of recorded years of suffering and betrayal, when the beauty of it all really hits us. We find the value of our dowery to be infinite. That no matter what the price was, he would have paid it from His own flesh. 

Like His heart breaks so profoundly and so deeply by our misery that His hands stretch out to heal our bodies and our hearts. Like he literally bore our sickness. If we're honest, when we love someone how often we desire to bare their burdens and heal their sickness. Like we'd take the cancer straight from our grandparents body. Like we'd take it ourselves. If we could just take the broken heart of our daughters and bare that even for a little while. We'd gladly lift the stress of our brides day. And there in the midst of all that wishing and desiring there stands our groom.

His body eaten by cancer. His shoulders burdened by stress and his brow wrinkled with broken-hearted-ness. Hanging gladly on Calvary. What's it mean to be His bride? To be sought after. To be desired with such jealousy that it consumes oceans and planets. To be purchased at such an outrageous price. To have such a debt paid. Hosea 3:2

We are engaged in such a love story this would has only ever known once. To be His bride is to know salvation. Is to exceedingly expect His arrival. It is to know our true worth. It is to be loved. 

Modesty Isn't a Joke & Purity isn't about Sex.

I've been spending a large deal of time over the past several years trying to understand myself and why I am the way that I am and how I can better reflect Christ in my attitudes and behaviors. I've had to deal with a lot of issues and still do. One that I have found paramount in my walk with Christ has been purity.

I've said it before but I'll say it again. When I'm talking about purity, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about my mind. I am constantly at war with my thoughts and my words. I'm constantly speaking purity myself. Pure motives. Pure attitudes. Pure behaviors. I have a desperate desire to maintain my purity.

What is frustrating to me is the way our culture encourages the opposite. Listening to guys talk like complete idiots in regards to women and hearing continual sexual jokes like its not big deal has become so tired to me. What is most upsetting is that women have embraced this culture. Dressing appropriately and even going as far as to make similar jokes. Like, its "ok" they're "just men". Like, we can't do any better, or worse that we shouldn't.

Where the heck does that become ok? Are we so insecure that we have to verbally state sexual desire? Like every dude doesn't feel that way? Like thats even a question? Like Sin ain't there right away to try and twist our thoughts so we need someone to remind us "Oh yeah, we should probably be thinking something sinful right now." Or like dressing properly isn't important. "Oh shoot, I accidentally wore something inappropriate, silly me." How apathetic!

Please don't get me twisted. I've heard people joke that if I had my way all the women would be wearing turtle necks and full sleeves in baggy jeans during the summer. But that's not even my prerogative. My prerogative is that we should care. I'm not trying to come down on people for how they dress, I want people who feel like something is wrong, to act like it's wrong. Stick to our convictions. Have a freaking spine. Be purposeful in what we say and what we wear and how we act.

Most importantly I want to see us create a culture that conflicts drastically with the way the world talks and thinks. It's sad to me, to see young men and women struggling to maintain friendships with one another. Why don't we just see each other as people? Why does everyone have to be a potential spouse? Again, are we so insecure that we don't think God has it figured out? Are we so frightened that he might call us to live like Paul, without someone entirely? Do we really think that God doesn't see the desires of our heart? That He would hold any good thing from us? What are we so afraid of?

Men, are we so insecure. Can we not act like men? Is it so necessary to be so crude? Is it so necessary to be so base? So simple? So boring? Why are our hearts not directed towards Christ? Why isn't that where our primary pursuit is engaged? Is it so weak? Does that invalidate our man card? Do we even believe what God has said? Shouldn't our priority to be the man God has called us to be, before we even think about having a spouse?

Why does purity to so many stop at what we do? Christ asked us to look deeper and address what we think, at how we talk, at who we are.

My wicked black root

My whole life I've never really been known for my humility. Primarily because I've spent most of my life being put down. I found it pretty counter productive to join in on that whole band-wagon. I remember at a young age, somewhere between 5 and 6 years old, I was too afraid to ride a bicycle. I had crashed a few years before and it scared me pretty good. My father tried in vain to get me back on the horse. It didn't take. I imagine it was pretty embarrassing to his friends to have his eldest born boy, named after him, screaming like a girl whenever he put me on a bike. I know that he probably forget it moments after he made the statement but I will never forget the words he told me in frustration after the umpteenth time trying to get me to ride.

"I'm ashamed you have my name."

That wasn't easy for me to swallow. My whole life up to that point I had prided myself in my father's name. It wasn't any surprise to me though. My little brother had always been tougher than me. He didn't cry much. He was built larger than me. He was braver than me. I envied those traits. I always felt that my dad had wanted to share his name with him. To hear him say that confirmed all my fears.

Fast-forward to the 6th grade. My family was going through an extra-ordinarily difficult time. Money was tight. My dad had to work nights just to pay the rent. After a huge argument between all of my siblings I remember us sitting down for a family meeting. I have always had a pretty big mouth. I've never been very good at just letting things go. I hated inequity. I hated cruelty and I hated disrespect. All of which I'm certain I participated in. But that didn't stop me from tearing into people for it. During the meeting, my father made the statement:

"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link."

My eldest sister turned to me and with absolute conviction said to me.

"That's you."

That was rough. I loved my sister. I loved all of my family and I'd never do anything to willing hurt them. But the truth was I had always felt like that was true anyway. So to hear it verbally spoken was devastating. Not many people can relate to the story of Gideon. I do. I come from a broken family. I am the weakest in my household.

By the time I got saved, I was jaded to put it lightly. I've spent the last four years trying to peel back the layers of my own insecurities. Desperately trying to find the wicked black root of my own pride. Trying to figure out exactly what put that chip on my shoulder that causes me to react violently to the world around me. Each time I've been able to deal with a chunk of it, it has taken the voice of a friend to do so. Someone who I both respect and I know respects me to take me aside and say "Hey, let me tell you from the heart what I'm seeing." The insight from them has been beyond value.

Something that's really bothered me lately though is how rare those occurrences are.

More than once I've been talking to someone and said something stupid or something arrogant and instead of receiving correction the person has flat out cut me down. It didn't feel real loving. It certainly didn't correct me. But it sure hurt like hell. Like... how long has you thought that about me? Why have you never said something. Why would you act like there isn't something wrong and then flip a chicken on my suddenly? What happened to edify your brothers and sister? Why don't we do that?

Don't get me wrong though, it ain't like I've never been corrected before. I am so utterly thankful to my friends and pastors who have been man or women enough to take me aside and tell me how it is. In fact three of the greatest men I know, Pastor Adam Washburn, Sean Gleasn, and Jordan Shaw have all at some time or another been man enough and respect me enough to take me aside and tell me straight up I'm being prideful.

Even still, I've got to evaluate myself. Am I man enough to do the same thing for people? I remember recently talking with one of my best friends Alex Maras and he said something that annoyed the crap out of me because I had a problem with his character and whatever he said totally reenforced what bothered me. So I cut him down. I said something sharp, it wasn't really mean. But it wasn't kind. HOW DARE I. HOW FREAKIN DARE I. That's my brother. Like not the the cute christian way or the crappy "thats my bro" way. I mean that we have bled together. We've cried together. We've gone a long way through this life together and damnit he deserves a little more respect than that.

We all do. We walk in the presence of heirs to the throne. Every day. Anointed priests and Kings. How terribly disrespectful of us to just cut them down. Shouldn't our priority, if we see something wrong, be to correct it? Why do we have to assume the person WANTS to be that way. And you know honestly, I think that's being nice. To say we "assume the person wants to be that way". Nah, we know they don't. But we don't care. That's their weakness. It justifies every negative thing we think about that person. Every slight they've made. Every er. That weakness makes them weak. We like that. What an injustice. Father I repent.

Lord, help me to have the same respect you have for me, for others. Help me to have the guts to address the hard issues. To love someone enough that when I see weakness in them, I make it my mission to build it up. To cover it. I repent of my selfish and wicked motivations that have caused me to leave many in the body weak. Give me life enough to share and love enough for all.

The trouble with comparison

Comparison is a weapon of the Enemy. As much as we like to tell ourselves and others that it helps us to judge "where someone is at" it really doesn't and I'll give you two good reasons why.

Firstly, the problem of our past. People come from different places, they learn different things and they grow in different ways. Whenever we put two people of different past up against each other and measure them not matter what we do, one of those people will out measure the other. Our pasts are unique and they all carry their own misfortune and good fortune. Some more of the former than the latter, and vice versa.

An interesting point that should be made as a beleiver is that in Christ we are new creations. Clean slate. Things are reset to "zero" and we start over. Besides the obvious practical reasons why a naive interpretation of that would cause new believers to fall into a pretty sad state, it's important to note that struggle is required to obtain some things. As Casey Treat is so famously quoted and please feel free to insert his iconic voice "You must renew your mind!" So things don't just change over night. It's a process of renewing, somethings may go away over night but some things take a continual renewal through the Word of God.

Secondly, the problem of our future. No two people have the same future (unless you want to group people into marriage covenant, but even still their unique individuals). Each person has a destiny that is known only to God. It's difficult for us to try and measure people when we have no idea what to measure them with. Our callings and giftings all come out in different ways and different times. It's so important that we understand that.

Moses spent 30 years in the desert before he was able to act on his desire to free his people. Joshua waited an entire generation to claim the promised lane. Paul was over 30 before he was saved, then spent another 20+ years serving his local church before he went around writing 2 thirds of the new testament. Jeremiah was 18-19 when he started preaching to people twice his age. Jesus was running around at 13 telling people whats up. We don't have the luxury of choosing when or how our giftings will come in full. In fact I doubt we'll even realize it when it happens.

It's so easy for people especially us young adults to try to use comparison to determine where we should be at. What we should be doing or how we should be doing it. But if we focus on that we will forget to focus on the most important thing which is What Is God Doing In My Life Now? Our faithfulness isn't determined by some great thing we accomplish or how many people we "save" it's measured (and I think the bible clearly dictates so) by our faithfulness to what God has called us to do. In every little task. Every small word.

I suck at mediocre

I've spent the majority of my life in extreme situations. I grew up with a single father who spent most his time trying to make ends meet. We never had much. I suspect that we were close to homeless and without food more often that he'd care to admit. I grew up with 3 siblings. We usually hated each other or loved each other. We never really just got along. I've lived in sheds with dirt floors and apartments along Sandy boulevard. People either liked me or hated me. There really wasn't much in between. I've got an extreme personality. It makes it hard for people to deal with me, I've always been that way. Lately I've been trying to change that. I don't like hurting people with my course or sharp attitudes.

What I've finally realized is that I suck at normal. I'm not good at doing things moderately. I can't even have a conversation moderately. I have to feel extreme to one side or the other. I feel deeply passionate about things, people, ideas in extreme ways. Even my choice to follow Christ was taken in a very extreme way. Either I'm all in or I'm all out. I'm no good at normal. I suck at mediocre. I hate doing mediocre work. I don't want anything to do with it. It doesn't just bore me, it irritates me. I like tackling big projects, difficult obstacles. I love problem solving. The bigger the problem the more interested in it I get. But I suck at day to day things.

Sometimes I even procrastinate day to day work just so I can be under a time crunch to get it done. I create extreme situations to make it more challenging and interesting. I thrive under pressure. Put me in an extreme circumstances and 9 times out of 10 I'll perform flawlessly. Put me in a mediocre situation and I'll probably mess it up.

Even with people I have a hard time interacting with people I don't have relationships with. Either they like me or they hate me. Everyone in between is awkward and hard to talk to. Which also makes it difficult to meet new people because I pretty much have nothing to say to them. Ever. Sometimes that causes me to be really rude unintentionally. More often than not I inadvertently insult people because I don't even think about the weight of what I'm saying.

This is made ten times worse by my disdain for lying. I absolutely hate lying. I'm terrible at it. I can't even keep secrets because it makes me feel like I'm lying to someone. I'm not deceptive. I'm just no good at it. When I was very young my Grandmother used to get all up in ma grill when I lied. More than once, even when I told the truth she would hound me about it. She was convinced I was just a natural born liar. So I spent my life trying to prove her wrong. If she hated deception so much then I was going to show her how far from it I could stray.

One time I told her to go to her room. She was sitting in the living room complaining about the noise and I evaluated the situation honestly and asked why she didn't just go to her room. I definitely spent the rest of the day outside. I do that to people all the time! It comes out before I can stop and really think about how stupid my statement is going to sound, even when its honest. Frankly people aren't real enthused by it. They think I don't value their feelings, they have no idea that its because I value their feelings that I'm honest with them. That doesn't really translate very well though.

I'm not sure yet if my extremest personality is a bad thing or a good thing but what I do know is that finesse and attention is needed to make sure that the way I communicate myself is less brash. I'm not sure I'll ever enjoy doing normal things or living moderately. I honestly want to burn my life at hyper speed and deal with the crash when I'm dead. I'd rather be so extreme and so loud that people have to tell me to keep my mouth shut (and boy do they) than to spend my life quite and content and at the end be asked why I never spoke up.

I don't even want to hear the question asked "If you disagreed with it, why did you let it happen?". Maybe I'm too extreme. Maybe I offend some people. But what I'll never be is stuck between two roads living in mediocrity.

Real Men Make War

I have a really interesting way of cooping with problems. Usually is starts with a really defeated attitude about the problem. The more drastic the likelihood of failure the easier I get a child like attitude. Then, all at once... I get really really really angry. I get so indignant about the situation and furious at the idea that a situation has trapped me. Usually at this point I go to War. I start searching for any and every tool that could possibly help me in the situation. Then I start using those tools to fight. More often than not I get pretty belligerent and impossible to detour.

Lately I've been trying to skip that first time and just go straight to war. When a situation pops up I try to just go to war against it. That includes my own emotional responses to situations. I get angry at getting angry. It's kind of a silly thing to say but in all seriousness I make war against my natural emotional responses to situations because they're just not Godly.

A key area of my life has always been my purity. It's something that I don't take lightly. I value my purity highly. I never want to be a vulgar or distasteful individual. No matter how funny people think it is. No matter how cool people think it is. I don't enjoy cursing. I don't enjoy saying or doing anything common. There are a variety of words (which I won't mention because I have friends who will enjoy using them over and over) that a simply hate that are commonly used. They aren't particularly nasty but they're common. I don't like them.

I don't enjoy toilet humor. It isn't funny. It makes me want to punch someone in the face. It's the most unintelligent way of joking. I don't enjoy scantly clad women. I find it repulsive. It's not that the women are unattractive or anything and I'm certainly not trying to tear down anyone, but wearing less clothing just tells me where your brain is and that's super unattractive. I REALLY don't enjoy perverse speech. I don't enjoy these things because they're a direct attack on my purity. They're a declaration of war against my identity. I like my identity. I like who God has made me to be. So I make war for my purity. I cast down, tear down, break down, burn down, ANYTHING that comes against my purity. I walk out of theaters when things go sour. I flip off the radio when something filthy comes on. I've left rooms, houses, parties, and friends because of the content. I've stopped listening to whoel genres of music because of their content.

It's not because I want to be some super spiritual guy, its cause I want to be real. How could I lie to myself and God? How could I accept something into my life that I know in every fiber of my being to be wrong?! I reject it. Like an infection to the body. I pump myself full of the world's anti- virus in the form of powerful worship and the deep seeded word of God.

I make war against attitudes. I don't like when I'm being negative or pissy. I don't think its ok. I don't agree with the way I treat my friends when I get angry. I love my friends. Dearly. I have friends that have taken far too much abuse from my backhanded sharp words. I won't accept it. I make war against it. I check my attitudes. I apologize for my er.

One of my most valued friends Ashley Cathey has been the victim more than once of my poor attitudes. I'm not ok with that. That's my sister. Someone I care about and love deeply and someone I only want to see succeed in life. How could I possibly treat her poorly? How could I speak perversely or vulgar around her? Doesn't she deserve better?

I've had a friend for years named Alex Maras who has stuck with me through thick and then. When I was the biggest jerk in the world, he was a faithful friend. When I went crazy and gave my life to Christ, despite his disagreements with some of my choices, he stuck with me. I have more than once cut him with my words in a way that no one else can. I've used our friendship as a tool to get what I want. Why would I not make war on something like that?

Depression and downheartedness has drained my life in the past years. It has pulled every fiber of goodness and joy from my life. Making even the most joyous occasions miserable. Tearing down everything I love and twisting it to hurt. I make war against that. I don't accept it. I demand joy in my life. Because I have an abundant supplier of the joy.

I make war against every situation and every emotion that tries to tear from me the promises and character of God. I don't just do it because I need to, but because others need me to. More importantly I want me to. They want me to. God WANTS me to. It's not just something I need. It's something I want.

I desperatly desire purity.
I desperatly desire kindness.
I desperatly desire patients.
I desperatly desire joy.
I desperately desire to live a life of Godliness.

So I make a desperate war against anything that tries to take them. Sometimes I lose. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I spend the night on my knees. But I fight. Because what I fight for is worth it. It's worth every single loss. It's worth the scars and the mistakes. Because the life I live is full of Christ and there is nothing more valuable on this planet and nothing more fulfilling than walking out His plan for your life. Real men make war. And maybe we're not much good at it. Maybe our Win/Loss ratio looks like a stacked deck. But we're fighting for what matters.

Why should I waste my time "serving" the "church"?

I've spent countless hours serving my church. I've done things I've hated. I've done things I've loved. I've worked with people who've gotten on my nerves. I've gotten on the nerves of everyone I've worked with. I've completed task I found completely pointless, some of which were incredibly taxing. I've missed birthday parties, graduations, weddings, and funerals because I put a service before them. I've lost friends and gained friends. More than once I've asked the question: "What am I doing here? Why am I wasting my time?" Usually the question rises out of frustration or out of self-righteous indignation. Each time, I remind myself of the three core reasons I do what I do.

Reason one why I waste of time serving: I'm so freaking good at it. I volunteer in our tech department, something I'm really really good at. Not because I know something that other people don't. Because I know how to figure things out. I like to troubleshoot. I love it when a computer fails or a feed glitches out. Computer crashes? Lights failing? Awesome. Thats what I'm good at. I've always excelled at finding patterns, breaking down equations and solving problems. I eat sleep and breath it. Whenever we get new volunteers at church I always try and find out what their good at. When you find out what you're good at you begin to find a passion for it... which leads me to my second reason for wasting my time.

Reason dos why I waste my time serving: I freaking love it. I adore it. Nothing lights a fire in my bones like seeing a service go off without a hitch. There is nothing like seeing a video project you've spent months working on turn out amazing and hear about how it effected lives. If we're not effecting lives, everything we do inside the four walls is utterly pointless. So I'm fiercely passionate about our media. It turns some people off. I offend people way too often. But I'm a little ok with that. My passion with either inspire others around me or weed out the people who aren't really passionate. I woke with some of the most passionate people I've ever met and when we get in a room together to hash out a project, you better believe sparks fly. I couldn't tell you how many times I've argued about something just because I didn't like the color of it, or the way it sounded coming off my tongue or even the way it felt in my hands. It's gotta be perfect. It has to be excellent and only the very best. What we do, we do in the name of Christ an it should represent him in every way. It should be done with care and with purpose. With passion! And that brings me to my third point.

The primary reason why I willing waste my time, energy and life "serving" the "church" is God. I do it because it's what He would do. He has imbued in each of us characteristics and passions that reflect His glory and goodness. I don't do it because Ill feel better at night "doing my good deed" for the Lord. I do it because He made me to do it. Because I take joy in it. I do it because that's the character He wants to develop in me. Someone who isn't afraid to just serve. To just work. He gave me the passion and the ability. What else do I eat sleep and breath for if not to fulfill His purpose for my life? There isn't anything on God's green earth I would sacrifice to see someone else get a hold of that. This world might be full of entertainment and "happiness" you might find some fun in your money or your job or your spouse but you won't find any joy. That is an antidote for this world that flows straight from the veins of Christ. When you connect into His arm like an IV you get filled up with most complete joy you could ever ask for.

There are a lot of people who either don't understand or don't want to understand why I waste my time "serving" the "church". I doubt reading this will change their minds much. You don't understand God by reading about Him or preaching about Him. You learn about Him down in the trenches, where He is. Fighting to reach every single person on earth. You experience Him holding the hands of His broken people and loving them back to life. Sometimes that means Getting up on a stage and teaching His message. Sometimes it means scrubbing the toilets till they shine just right. Most of the time it takes a lot of energy. No matter what you do, it requires servitude.

Running In Neutral

This picture has nothing to do with my blog. Just wanted to prove animals like me.

When I was growing up I used to hang out with my friend Dylan Burroughs a lot. We were super close friends. Unfortunately we were also both hot tempered. We used to get pretty ticked of pretty easily. After one of our many arguments I remember Dylan's dad Thomas taking me off to the side. "You're running in neutral." He told me.

It's something I've always done. When I'm emotionally or physically exhausted my brain kicks into neutral. I stop making purposeful decisions. My demeanor changes, my expression is usually blank and emotionless. I am almost entirely controlled by my environment when I'm running in neutral. It's a terrible place to be.

Lately I've noticed my increasing use of neutral. It usually how I cope with things I don't want to think about. I flip my brain into neutral and I just work. The problem being that when I run into people I tend to be really short and seemingly rude. Especially people I don't want to talk to. I realize that I seem like I'm angry or upset with people when in reality I'm just not there.

It's not surprising that people would think I'm angry though. I spent four years of high school developing an angry demeanor. That's how I handled being bullied or the fact that people in general didn't like me. I flipped myself into neutral and put on the angriest attitude I had. Now, even when I don't intend to, whenever I try not to think about something I end up going into a neutral state and looking all ticked off at the world. To me, it's a little bit funny because usually I'm no where near angry.

However, to others it's hurtful. Rude. So I'm trying my best to instead of going around in neutral just trying to take captive my thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5) and focus on the good in situations (Philippians 4:8). I don't think its acceptable to allow myself to just run in neutral because honestly, if we're not living a purpose life for Christ than this world will put its own purpose for our lives. Our actions, our attitudes and our words shouldn't be passive. They should be wielded like tools or weapons to create, defend, build up, and correct.

Find Shelter

You'll have to forgive me, this post may seem a bit repetitive in the sense that I'm piggy packing off of another one of my Pastor's sermons. Frankly talking about my Pastor's sermons is one of my favorite pass times. It really helps me to evaluate and grab a hold of what God is trying to teach me through my Pastor.

My whole life I've had to deal with Death. It has been very evident sense I was very little. In fact, at the age of 5 I came to the terms that eventually I would die, and believing that nothing happens after died (because all the Christians I had known up this this point felt really phony to me... a 5 year old) I figured I would just cease to exist. My ultimate resolution to this was that if I died I wouldn't even be around to miss not living so it couldn't be all that bad. But it was terrifying.

Under that world view I lived my entire childhood. Frankly nothing in this world really warranted my attention. It didn't really deserve my time. After all, eventually I would die so whats the point? You might say I was a "tad" cynical. I began to look for somewhere to hide from what I believe to be a harsh reality. Don't get me wrong here... I was suicidal or even depressed really by this reality. Not at first. I just didn't want to think about it. I wanted to avoid the whole idea of death; of life. So I hid. First I hid in toys, games, make believe. I never wanted to do anything real. I wanted to live in fantasy. Eventually that really didn't work out so I moved on to books. I used to read eight hundred page books a week. Sometimes people wonder how I know random stupid facts, probably because I picked it up in a book somewhere and stashed it away for a rainy day.

Eventually my escapism lead me to video games I talked about that a week or so ago in my blog Why I Have Given Up Video Games... 

Sometimes I hid in lust. Sometimes I hid in anger. Sometimes I hid in desperation. I was always looking for somewhere to shelter myself from that world I really didn't enjoy. It was my way of coping with what I didn't want to accept.

Tonight, my Pastor talked about finding shelter in God. It's a pretty simple concept. One that most of us Christians have heard before and have even practiced. However, it brought me to a sudden reality: Even with my avoiding of video games I've found myself desperately trying to hide myself in them again and again. If not them, television. Something to get my mind off of the things I really don't want to think about.

It's not that I don't seek God. I do my devotions almost every day.  I pray every day. I worship God every day. However, usually after running to Him with my problems. I usually end up feeling hopeless anyway... I talked about that in my previous blog: Fear: An evaluated look, inspired by my Pastor

I don't really trust where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1). I don't, when I'm feeling defeated or beaten up find refuge in Christ (Psalm 57:1). I bring my problems and my woes but I don't hide in Him. I don't look for shelter. I for some reason think its still my job to take the brunt of it. Like Jesus didn't die on the cross. LIKE JESUS DIDN'T DIE ON THE CROSS. Like the whole point of it all is that I don't have to bare that. At least not alone. As if God didn't provide a place for me. Like he isn't waiting in our secret place to look after me. To converse. To absolve. To forgive.

Sometimes I wonder at how stupid I can be. So easily confused or deceived. We humans are SO FUNNY. We can repeat something, completely understand it. Put it to practice and then forget the entire purpose of it. We take what God intended for relationship and we turn it right into a mechanical religion. It becomes ceremony.

"Of course I brought it to God!" And then I picked it up and walked out with it. LOL!

Tonight I really think I got the meaning that David was getting at in Psalm 121. Taking refuge in God. Crawling underneath the Word of God and letting God defend me. Veiling myself in His goodness. Like, "I don't care about what's going on. God's handling the situation bro. I'm just going to sit here and hide. In the corner, clad in Kevlar behind the blast shield. I think he can handle it."

Fear: An evaluated look, inspired by my Pastor

Fear: The root to the majority of our mistakes. It's the one thing God immediately drives from our hearts. It's
something that causes our faith to not work. It's something (ironically) that we're afraid to admit we have. It pushes us to do extraordinary things. It causes us to make terrible mistakes.

Tonight, Pastor Seth Trenda preached a really relevant message about "Brain Storms". About what happens in our minds when the Truth of God begins to conflict with our fears, our worries, our negative thoughts. He painted a vivid image of a thunderstorm swirling in our minds. The confusion. The worry. The Pain. The Fear that consumes us. I was struck uncommonly by this particular message.

Fear has always been relevant in my life.

When I was 9 years old I remember one of the worst nights of my life. My family was living on twenty acres near that Kalamath Falls area. Just outside of Chiloquin, Oregon. My father was away, dealing with some issues regarding our property. My three siblings and I were with my Grandmother outside. It was just turning dusk. A truck stormed through our property, coming to rest just outside our trailers. When we went outside, we found my father's ex-girlfriend and some older man sitting in the truck. They were clearly quite drunk. When my grandmother confronted them, the woman got out of the car and began screaming at my Grandmother. For whatever reason she didn't like her. In a few minutes my sixty plus grandmother was laying on the ground while a thirty something year old two hundred pound woman beat her to a bloody pulp. I have never been more afraid in all of my life. I remember my oldest sister and my little brother trying to pull her off my grandmother. All I could do was stand there and cry.

I didn't do anything. I was too afraid. To this day, I wish I had been brave enough to do something. Anything to stop her.

When I got older, I developed quite a hate for fear. I despise being afraid. I am too afraid of what might happen if I allow fear to control a situation (another irony). Sometimes I am belligerently aggressive about a situation because of how afraid I am of it. Often times, I make absolutely terribly decisions because I refuse to be afraid. I always see fear as being my enemy. I respond defensively to situations because of the fear that it might produce.

Tonight though, sometime dawned on me. There is a little something to fear that I never realized. I have always been good at "overcoming" my fears. In fact I prefer the "shock and awe" "overkill" kind of attitude towards it. What I have no been good at, is finding hope in my fears. When I think a situation is hopeless, I push through the fear anyway, but I do so hopelessly. I don't expect it to go well. I don't believe I have a possibility of success.

I try. Half heartily. I never invest too much into a situation or a plan because I allow my fears to take the hope. How. Utterly. Terrible. How stupid is that? I make war against fear but allow it to take the spoils. I give up the whole reason to be fighting in the first place. I surrender the prize. HOPE. And with hope goes everything else. Joy. Love. Overcoming.

As I reflected tonight on Pastor Seth's message it really caused me to evaluate my attitude towards fears. How I deal with them. The problem we have is that we allow our fears to define our hope. We have a specific idea about how a situation should turn out. We put our hope in that. Then, we put all our fear into it. When it doesn't come out the way we wanted and exactly what we feared comes on us (Job 3:25), we lose that hope. I think instead, our attitude should be to put our hope in God's goodness manifesting in a situation. Allow our hope to be that He will finish what he starts (Philippians 1:6).

Have hope that despite how you'd like the situation to turn out, or how you think it should turn out, God is doing a GOOD work in your life. Place hope in that.

Purity

I've posted about purity before in my blog, but this time I really want to focus on something that's been bugging me for a while.

I'll start with defining Purity.

pu·ri·ty
noun

1. the condition or quality of being pure; freedom from anything that debases, contaminates, pollutes,etc.: the purity of drinking water.
2. freedom from any admixture or modifying addition.
3. ceremonial or ritual cleanness.
4. freedom from guilt or evil; innocence.
5. physical chastity; virginity.

The kind of purity that I'm thinking about is more about the mind than the body. Jesus said in Matthew 15:10-11:

"When He had called the multitude to Himself, He said to them, “Hear and understand: Not what goes into the mouth defiles a man; but what comes out of the mouth, this defiles a man.”

We're called above all else, to keep our mouths clean. Yet, I've seen people get mocked for attempting this by fellow Christians. Moreover, I've seen people criticized and downplayed when they try to encourage others not to speak crass or rudely.

Let me stop here for a second and explain exactly what I mean when I'm talking about an unclean mouth. I'm not talking about "swear" words. I'm referring to derogatory, sexually perverse, base speech.

I'm also not trying to sell some kind of legalistic law here either. Rather I'm trying to express my concerns of the spirit of the law itself. That we attack people, laugh at people, downplay individuals who try to keep their thoughts or their mouths clean.

I think the reason that we do this (I say we because what is most distressing about this subject for me is my own violation of it) because we associate Purity/Innocent with Naivety. As if, to choose to think filthy or perverse thought opposed to a pure or innocent thought on a subject, is better because it shows knowledge.

It's that whole knowledge of "good and evil" thing biting us straight in the bum. It's not necessarily that people (I think) disagree with purity but rather that they find the notion rather naive. As if we could live in a sinned filled world and not be corrupted by its culture and customs.

Yet, Paul warns us in Romans 12:2:
"And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God."

If I'm honest. When I hear someone I would otherwise find to live a life of purity, or whom I respect, speak perversely or in a base manner. It breaks my heart. I hate it. Not that I'm upset at the person, but that this world continually assaults our purity and righteousness. And we SELL OUT FOR SO CHEAP. As if we don't even understand the value placed on our purity. Like we don't see the pearls we're just casting to the swine.

We give our innocence away for promises of knowledge or understanding that we previously didn't have. As if obtaining that perverse information somehow will "better" us. We TRADE THE PROMISES OF GOD FOR A LIE (Romans 1:25). Frankly it breaks my heart. Every single time.

Even though I still make those same mistakes, even though I sell out for so cheap. That heart break just encourages me every time to take a little bit wider steps in the direction of purity and makes me think twice about giving an inch back. I desperately wish our generation could grasp how amazing, how beautiful, and how life changing it truly is to live pure. Not just physically (although that's important too!) but really to fight the battle mentally.

Why I Have Given Up Video Games...

Recently, I've made the decision to stop playing video games. Those who know me, know how much that means to me, and that in part is why I've chosen to do it.

I didn't have the best childhood. I was raised by a single father with four kids. We didn't have much money growing up. We didn't get the nice things other kids got. Sometimes we slept on the floor. Sometimes we slept on the dirt. My father tried his best to take care of his kids. He worked jobs you'd only see hard working Hispanics take. The jobs everyone else considered themselves too good for. I remember times when I wouldn't see him for weeks because he didn't get home until late and went straight to bed just to get up early the next morning before we woke.

Most of the things us kids had were second hand. It killed my dad. All he ever wanted was to take care of his kids. We learned early in life what takes some people a lifetime. Life ins't fair. People don't get handed everything they want. Sometimes you have to make tough choices you don't want to make. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

Needless to say my life was less than desirable most of my childhood. I didn't always notice it though. My dad did his best to distract us from the reality of our situations. When we become homeless my 3rd grade year of school, my dad did his best to make it feel like we were just camping. smores and hot dogs were always around. But try as he might, we weren't stupid.

As I grew older I grew to hate this world. I truly truly hated it. I hated the hurt. I hated how unfair it was. Despite how good of a person I tried to be I found that the world pretty much hated me. People didn't like me. I moved around a lot. It got to the point that I really didn't know how to interact with people. I was awkward. I was rude. And people didn't like that. So because people didn't like me, I didn't like them. I decided to take all that pain and that hurt and use it to build a great big wall around myself. I shut people out. I didn't think things were funny anymore. I didn't find good in anything at all.

When I got to high school my dad gave me my first computer. I had always had an affinity for video games because they helped me forget about my life. I forgot about the hurt. I could be the person I wanted to be without fear of rejection or hurt. In video games, people already had a predetermined opinion of me and it was usually good. It was a nice escape. I took the computer my dad gave me and I completely abandoned reality. I had no desire for it. I didn't even like sleeping because the dreams were just as bad as the school I was forced to attend. I wanted no part in it.

Fast forward to my senior year, I got saved. Jesus entered my life and flipped me upside down. He came in and he wrecked my heart, completely changing me from the inside out. I got plugged in, discipled and learned what God really had planned for my life.

These past three years have been the best years of my life. But recently I've tried to become really transparent with myself. I've found that my addiction to video games has become a hindrance not only for my life but also for my effectiveness for Christ. Its become a massive distraction from my actual goals and desires. It set itself as an idol in my life and I have loved it more than my life. I have realized that it has become an outlet for when I don't want to deal with a situation or an emotion. I just bury it away in my games and pretend like it isn't there. So, at least for now I have decided that I'm not going to allow them to continue the way that they are. I've given them up to pursue the things in my life that are truly worth living for.

Love. Is. Kind.

The older I get the more I realize how unkind I can be. I'm actually blown away by how unloving I have been. People like to think that loving someone is in part measured by our intentions. I've heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Love is not measured by intentions. Intentions didn't take Jesus to the cross. Action did.

I suddenly realize how little my actions resemble love. My intentions have always been good. Even filled with love. Rarely, however my actions have. I tend to be quick and sharp. I've allowed this world to shape me into a tool. One that is jaded and hard. Pointed and sharp like a broken piece of glass. I cut to the touch.

My heart swells with regret and desperation. That's what Jesus does inside of us. He swells us with love. He digs deep inside us, nestles down and then pushes out. My heart swells with love and its my responsibility to express that love, to share it. To freely scatter that love. To give it the opportunity to plant itself in someone else's heart.

Father, open my eyes and my heart to what you're doing in other's lives. Give me kind words. A gentle touch. Loving actions. Let my speech be full with purpose. Let my serving be full of praise. Let me be transparent father. Broken before you and confident in your grace. Remind me continually of your power in my life. Teach me to share. Break open my heart to your world Lord and let me spend every ounce of this life until I am empty and spent. Broken and filled.

Pay & Position

Recently I've taken a step back from most of my duties in ministry. I've volunteered for three and a half years in our media department at our church without pay or position. Neither of those things have ever really been something I wanted. Money is a means to an end, not something I really want but in the long run something I need. Position has never been a thing to concern me in the kingdom of God because God calls each of us to different roles and places in ministry and I'm not concerned with which is better. However it was these two reasons that demanded that I take a step back.

pay

While I was volunteering full-time at my church I also started a business with a friend of mine. We built and marketed websites. At first, it went pretty well. We got a few solid contracts and within a few months I was making a decent wage. However, balancing two full time jobs at once isn't really an easy thing to do. In both ministry and in my workplace I dropped the ball several times. I just wasn't capable of doing both at the same time. I'm not sure why. It probably had something to do with bad time management or just a lack of capacity to complete that much work under deadlines.

My inability to juggle both jobs really frustrated me. I was angry because BOTH were required of me and I was really only capable of doing ONE of them well at the same time. I have a very one tracked mind and it does not switch easily so moving from task to task was and is very difficult for me.

My work eventually took me to Israel. Where I had a once in a life experience being able to share meals and homes with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was like I was both observing and documenting an important event in my own life and at the same time, experiencing and being impacted by it. However, my attitude had become quite negative before leaving. I was so frustrated by my inability to complete tasks and to live up to the expectations put on me that I began to blame the situation I was in. Somehow, my attitude had become defeated.

So when I got back from Israel, I really began to search my own heart. When my finances began to decline and I couldn't find a way to improve them I decided to take a break from my ministry duties in order to try and improve my finances.

position

I never intended to hold a position in my church, my goal has been and always will be to do that which God called me to do in this season of my life, until he says otherwise. That is to server His church and His people. Its weird, despite never wanting a position as I server God I was raised up in the eyes of my peers and my leaders and those that I lead. I never intended to lead anything. I only wanted to server God and do as much as I could for His kingdom with whatever skills I had at my disposal. It wasn't until others spoke positions or leadership over my life that I actually desired it. Don't get me wrong. I love leading people. I love every aspect of leadership, and its that love for leadership that has always made me leering to lead. My greatest fear in ministry is my pride. I never want to feel entitled to a position or to role. Because I'm not. I never want to become so arrogant and proud that I can't hear someone's voice.

So when people began to push me to take a position in my church or to act as if I had one, I did. I took on all the responsibilities that came with it. I worked hard. I poured my heart and soul into my team, into my church, into my work. However, when it became evident that I would actually acquire a position I became very discouraged. Even more so when it became increasingly more apparent that the more I tried to fulfill that responsibility the more that some resented me for and the more that I began to realize that I had all of the responsibilities of a position without the authority to execute them. I was frustrated. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how basic or difficult the task I undertook, it never felt like a win once it was accomplished.

So, I reluctantly had to take a step back and evaluate what I was doing and why.

understanding

Now that I've had time to evaluate things I think I've began to really nail down my own personal shortcomings.

I desperately desire to work hard. Its a huge thing for me. If I'm not pushing myself to the breaking point I don't feel like I've worked. I want to know at the end of the day that I laid everything on the table. I have decided to take a stand on this and to really pray each day for ways to push myself and to accomplish more.

I can not server the church at a cost to my personal development. I need to continually be growing and learning and desiring more. In every area of my life.

If I work hard enough and faithfully enough, money will never be the problem.

I server for development, nothing else.

Most importantly. I have been called to a community of people. Not to a  position or to place. But to a people.

As I move into a new season of my life, I can't help but squirm with anticipation of whats to come. Growing up and getting older as a Christian is such an amazing experience because each new year comes with new ways to grow and new experiences with Christ.

Father, I pray will my full heart that you keep and kindle the fire that you set in my heart. That you keep my mind and my perspective on the positive. That you give me the patients and the diligence to battle my thought process and my negative habits. Teach me to be humble, to be loving and to be kind to everyone I encounter. And above else, teach me to be a son.

The Human Heart

The human heart has always puzzled me. As I have gone through the Bible I've gotten a rough glimpse at it from the outside looking in. It causes us often to chase after things we never needed and sometimes it hardens against the one thing we do. It has often lead us astray and away from our true love. Its often called fickle.

However, once in a while it aspires to greatness. Now and then it causes a man or woman to rise to action. To do the unthinkable. It dismisses fear. It breaks apart even the most terrible of circumstances and causes us to overcome things we would never have thought possible. Above all it has caused us to be moved with compassion. It causes us to love.

It's a tool, like a compass when we are lost in the thick woods. Like the bright north star when we're lost at sea. It guides us forward. The difference between our demise and our salvation lies in how we gauge it. How we interpret it. The north star is useless if you don't know it points north.

We must learn to do what David did. We must learn to use God as our North. If we learn to line our hearts up to Him, we'll find it leads us straight into his warm embrace. What more could we want? What more does this world have to offer than the Father's love? What else would I heart desire. The problem is our hearts get all off focus, they lose their gauge and they run a muck looking for that love.

Father, teach me. Guide me. Watch over me and above all else, guard my heart. Its fickle and untrained, but it desperate desires you. Teach me to find a woman after you heart. To surround myself with those who run for you. Let my fickle heart let go of things that hurt me and to grab a hold of your trail and guide me home.

Fear

I am convinced that in my life, I think, that the most difficult thing about being a man, specifically a Christian man, is the fear. A terribly feeling that seems to attack us everywhere. At our home, in our workplace. On the stage and in the darkest depths of the night. It is present at every decision in our life. It fights heavily against every accomplishment. It is FEAR that has convinced me of the presence of God. You see because in every dark corner of our minds. Where fear triumphs. There is a still quite voice steadily whispering in our ears "Do not fear." It is here that I am introduced to the strongest quality in every man. Courage.

It makes me wonder, if maybe Father knew that we would be so afraid, that we would betray Him. So He whispered into our hearts the very tool to see us to the other side. Because where Fear persists God persists. Where fear attacks, God strengthens. In courage we find the very spirit of God ushering us along. What more could a man ask for than to have his Father forever fighting in his corner.

How To Drink Water

We like to think of Christ's righteousness like water. The word is often referred to it as the waters of life. We talk about thirsting after God, but the problem is that when you're thirsty, you know you're thirsty. Its instinctive to know the feeling of not having water.

Here's were it gets cray cray. The way we view our spiritual lives is the same way we view our drinking habits. I'm a prime candidate of drinking sugary drinks in replacement of water. It tastes better. Its easier to drink, I like the taste. Its immediate. I don't drink water that often, cause there's no immediate "feel-good" to it. The irony is that a half hour after drinking my sugar-filled-death-drink I get a headache or I crash. Had I drank water, I'd be feeling awesome. Instead, I feel like crap. We do the same thing with Christ. We like the sugar filled gospel. It taste good. It feels good. It has an immediate benefit to us. The problem is that it won't sustain us. We get thirsty. We get headaches.

So you'd think it be pretty obvious, like drink water and you'll do better in the long run. Its easy for us to say "those luke warm Christians, always drinking the sugar water!" but the reality is that most people don't even realize there is water. They don't know that the thirst they feel isn't for the cheap easy christian life. They don't know its for the full sustaining and revitalizing life.

How do we fix this? Whats the remedy for our sugar-consuming christian habits? Its so simple. Teaching. You can't expect someone who doesn't know something to be accountable for that information. We as a body have to remind each other whats good for us and whats not. We have to teach each other and prove what is pleasing and acceptable. The best way to do that is to offer people water. I.E. the Word of God. I'm talking really good stuff, the deep stuff at the bottom of the well. Something with substance. When people get the taste of that... and see how it sustains them in the difficult times, they'll never go back to the sugar water. It won't be the same.

Violent

I have determined in my life, that I will serve God. When I had reached the end of my rope, with no desire to continue on. No vision for a future. No desire for anything this world had to offer. God offered me more. I remember Him offering an exchange. Give him my life and He will give me a new one. My options were fairly limited, being that we all are only given one life. So I accepted. I accepted Jesus as my Lord. Not just my savior. My master. My commander. My king. I pledged my life to build His kingdom. I've done so willingly, lovingly and freely.

More than a few times, this pledge has been tested to breaking point. I have spent many restless nights struggling with my desire to continue. I truly don't want anything in this life. I have no drive for it. No desire. There may be a fickle want. But no real desire. Nothing in this world has proven to me to be redeeming of a life lived on it, other than the Resurrection of Christ and its power to change people. To redeem them. And so, at the end of the day it is Christ that I must cling to. Nothing else can justify my existence, nothing and no one else can give me hope.

I have recently, been going through one of these bending points. Through many circumstances I have found myself in a sort of Lamentations existence. Feeling a lot like Solomon at the end of the day, that all this work and effort is simple vanity. That my efforts, to build a team, a business and myself have been in vain, without worth. You see, its easy to see the value in your work when something tangible or visible comes out of it. That work is justified by the product. However when you find your labors, which in this case were great, have produced nothing... its a shaking experience.

I remember once listening to my Pastor, Glen Johnson tell our staff about feeling like he was "leading through the swamp". How easy it is to want to give up when you're in the middle of the swamp and you're dragging everyone behind you along. As frustrating as situations like that are... that idea penetrates to my core. The idea that God would send a group or even a single person to carry His people. That he would take someone and give them influence with others, and lay a mantle of responsibility on their shoulders so great, that all those behind him depended on him. Wow. What. If. He. Gave. Up.

In this particular rough season, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have found that I am deeply wounded by two things. Dishonesty and disloyalty. Its easy for me to accept a person who doesn't like me, there are many. I don't expect people to understand me, I've never been very good at communicating it. I often choose truth over popularity. I say things people don't want to hear. Its not hard to find a reason to dislike me. I can handle that. Its understandable to me. However, to be dishonest... that's a hard pill to swallow. The problem with dishonesty is that it causes us to question the legitimacy of others actions and words. It makes them hallow. In the same since, I can understand people who don't rout in my corner. Everyone has different allegiances and affiliations. Everyone has their favorite team or favorite person. I don't expect to be everyone's favorite, no one should, its unhealthy. However Its difficult to understand people who will rout in your corner one day, and leave you to fall another. And so when I find people are dishonest with me or disloyal... that relationship becomes hallow. Empty.

This, I truly fear is one of my most terrible flaws. Its difficult to have forgiveness for me in these areas. Its difficult to forget. I have had to stretch myself, push harder, try harder to truly let go over wrongs like this.

I have also learned that I have allowed these vulnerabilities and wounds to incapacitate me. I have, in these instances become worthless. Unable to either act or care. My desires for God's kingdom becomes overwhelmed with my lack of desire to deal with this world. It isn't worth it. Not without God. I become distant from Him.

I have found in myself that it is necessarily in these times, when things get rough and I want to just quit... everything... that I become violent. That I forcefully push foreword. Its in these times that my efforts are most needed. That my strength is most tested. I have never been very good at quitting anything, I have always found that where others have given up that I always have a little bit extra to push through. Often despite knowing that I could go further, push harder, get through... that I have purposely slowed down, slacked. Given way. I have measured myself up against others and allowed their best to dictate my best. I don't want to just be average though. I don't want to stand before Christ and say that measured against another man I have given more, tried harder. I have my own potential. My own strength that Christ has given me. When I stand before His throne, I have to answer to my measuring up against that potential.

And so, despite this weakness and failure, I have decided to push on. There are many areas of my life that need work, many that require my attention. Instead of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by these challenges, I have made the choice to push through them, because I know that I have the strength to do it and I believer the Word that was set before me saying it is worth it. So I set myself violently against the obstacles both in this world and in myself.