What is it to be a Bride?

You know, it's strange at first to know that God calls us His bride. Especially as a man I found it uneasy to be referred to in a feminine nature. What is a bride to me? What does it means to be His bride. I think at first we hang on the idea that a bride is a woman. Which is accurate but really it falls short of the true symbolism of a bride. I can't help but think of Rachel. When Jacob fought so hard and labored so many years of his life away to be with her. It didn't matter how high to price raised or how many years it might cost him. There was no other option for him. She was his bride. 

To be a bride means to be waiting, to be engaged in, or to be recently married. When God calls us His bride its a promise. It's a covenant. And when you understand the reality of the Cross and the magnitude of His blood spilled for us and when we really get what 30 years on the earth patiently waiting and thousands of recorded years of suffering and betrayal, when the beauty of it all really hits us. We find the value of our dowery to be infinite. That no matter what the price was, he would have paid it from His own flesh. 

Like His heart breaks so profoundly and so deeply by our misery that His hands stretch out to heal our bodies and our hearts. Like he literally bore our sickness. If we're honest, when we love someone how often we desire to bare their burdens and heal their sickness. Like we'd take the cancer straight from our grandparents body. Like we'd take it ourselves. If we could just take the broken heart of our daughters and bare that even for a little while. We'd gladly lift the stress of our brides day. And there in the midst of all that wishing and desiring there stands our groom.

His body eaten by cancer. His shoulders burdened by stress and his brow wrinkled with broken-hearted-ness. Hanging gladly on Calvary. What's it mean to be His bride? To be sought after. To be desired with such jealousy that it consumes oceans and planets. To be purchased at such an outrageous price. To have such a debt paid. Hosea 3:2

We are engaged in such a love story this would has only ever known once. To be His bride is to know salvation. Is to exceedingly expect His arrival. It is to know our true worth. It is to be loved. 

What I'm Counting On

I've recently been going through a season of understanding where I place my Hope. It's important that you understand what I mean by hope so I'll define it for ya.

hope
1. (n.) a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

2. (n.) a feeling of trust.

The word expectation is also important to define here.

Expectation

1. (n.) The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2. (n.) That which is expected or looked for.

3. (n.) The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank.

4. (n.) The value of any chance (as the prospect of prize or property) which depends upon some contingent event. Expectations are computed for or against the occurrence of the event.

5. (n.) The leaving of the disease principally to the efforts of nature to effect a cure.

The Biblical definition of the word Hope means to be "exceedingly expecting".


What I've realized is that I've put a LOT of hope in things I can't rely on. I think we all tend to do that though. Either its that person we like or that job we want or even that grade we want, we tend to put a lot of trust into something or someone that simply can't be depended on. It's not that that person isn't "good enough" or "reliable enough" or what have you or that you're not "smart enough" or "experienced enough" to get the job or grade that you want, its just that it's all built on sand. Things change. That is a fact. So if our hopes are constructed around something that can change then we can lose hope and that is the easiest way to wound our hearts.

Proverb 13:12 says:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

I found myself in this place where I was just so terribly heartsick by my circumstances and I couldn't help but cry out to God and ask: "What is going on?!" "Why do I feel like this?" "What am I doing wrong, Lord?!"

God brought me to this verse and it has really caused me to evaluate my hopes. 1 Peter 1:3 says:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,"

I've really had to make a conscious effort to keep my hope in Christ alone. What things am I hoping for instead of hoping in Jesus? Because those same things can be the death of my heart. Every time I hope in something that is shifting and changing I risk heart failure. I risk apathy. I risk hurt. This is huge! Because in Proverb 4:23 it says:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

BOOM! How can we expect to live a full life if our hearts, from which EVERYTHING WE DO FLOWS, are always sick?! So I was checking out John Mark McMillan's Album "Borderland" And its been the sound track to this season of my life and the song "Counting On" has become my anthem. Because quite frankly He is what I'm counting on. For my business. For my future spouse. For my breakfast every morning. For my health. For any fruit in my life. I'm just a branch sown into the Vine. I can't do anything without him, I rely solely on Him to bring life to my death.

Real Men Make War

I have a really interesting way of cooping with problems. Usually is starts with a really defeated attitude about the problem. The more drastic the likelihood of failure the easier I get a child like attitude. Then, all at once... I get really really really angry. I get so indignant about the situation and furious at the idea that a situation has trapped me. Usually at this point I go to War. I start searching for any and every tool that could possibly help me in the situation. Then I start using those tools to fight. More often than not I get pretty belligerent and impossible to detour.

Lately I've been trying to skip that first time and just go straight to war. When a situation pops up I try to just go to war against it. That includes my own emotional responses to situations. I get angry at getting angry. It's kind of a silly thing to say but in all seriousness I make war against my natural emotional responses to situations because they're just not Godly.

A key area of my life has always been my purity. It's something that I don't take lightly. I value my purity highly. I never want to be a vulgar or distasteful individual. No matter how funny people think it is. No matter how cool people think it is. I don't enjoy cursing. I don't enjoy saying or doing anything common. There are a variety of words (which I won't mention because I have friends who will enjoy using them over and over) that a simply hate that are commonly used. They aren't particularly nasty but they're common. I don't like them.

I don't enjoy toilet humor. It isn't funny. It makes me want to punch someone in the face. It's the most unintelligent way of joking. I don't enjoy scantly clad women. I find it repulsive. It's not that the women are unattractive or anything and I'm certainly not trying to tear down anyone, but wearing less clothing just tells me where your brain is and that's super unattractive. I REALLY don't enjoy perverse speech. I don't enjoy these things because they're a direct attack on my purity. They're a declaration of war against my identity. I like my identity. I like who God has made me to be. So I make war for my purity. I cast down, tear down, break down, burn down, ANYTHING that comes against my purity. I walk out of theaters when things go sour. I flip off the radio when something filthy comes on. I've left rooms, houses, parties, and friends because of the content. I've stopped listening to whoel genres of music because of their content.

It's not because I want to be some super spiritual guy, its cause I want to be real. How could I lie to myself and God? How could I accept something into my life that I know in every fiber of my being to be wrong?! I reject it. Like an infection to the body. I pump myself full of the world's anti- virus in the form of powerful worship and the deep seeded word of God.

I make war against attitudes. I don't like when I'm being negative or pissy. I don't think its ok. I don't agree with the way I treat my friends when I get angry. I love my friends. Dearly. I have friends that have taken far too much abuse from my backhanded sharp words. I won't accept it. I make war against it. I check my attitudes. I apologize for my er.

One of my most valued friends Ashley Cathey has been the victim more than once of my poor attitudes. I'm not ok with that. That's my sister. Someone I care about and love deeply and someone I only want to see succeed in life. How could I possibly treat her poorly? How could I speak perversely or vulgar around her? Doesn't she deserve better?

I've had a friend for years named Alex Maras who has stuck with me through thick and then. When I was the biggest jerk in the world, he was a faithful friend. When I went crazy and gave my life to Christ, despite his disagreements with some of my choices, he stuck with me. I have more than once cut him with my words in a way that no one else can. I've used our friendship as a tool to get what I want. Why would I not make war on something like that?

Depression and downheartedness has drained my life in the past years. It has pulled every fiber of goodness and joy from my life. Making even the most joyous occasions miserable. Tearing down everything I love and twisting it to hurt. I make war against that. I don't accept it. I demand joy in my life. Because I have an abundant supplier of the joy.

I make war against every situation and every emotion that tries to tear from me the promises and character of God. I don't just do it because I need to, but because others need me to. More importantly I want me to. They want me to. God WANTS me to. It's not just something I need. It's something I want.

I desperatly desire purity.
I desperatly desire kindness.
I desperatly desire patients.
I desperatly desire joy.
I desperately desire to live a life of Godliness.

So I make a desperate war against anything that tries to take them. Sometimes I lose. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I spend the night on my knees. But I fight. Because what I fight for is worth it. It's worth every single loss. It's worth the scars and the mistakes. Because the life I live is full of Christ and there is nothing more valuable on this planet and nothing more fulfilling than walking out His plan for your life. Real men make war. And maybe we're not much good at it. Maybe our Win/Loss ratio looks like a stacked deck. But we're fighting for what matters.

Why I Have Given Up Video Games...

Recently, I've made the decision to stop playing video games. Those who know me, know how much that means to me, and that in part is why I've chosen to do it.

I didn't have the best childhood. I was raised by a single father with four kids. We didn't have much money growing up. We didn't get the nice things other kids got. Sometimes we slept on the floor. Sometimes we slept on the dirt. My father tried his best to take care of his kids. He worked jobs you'd only see hard working Hispanics take. The jobs everyone else considered themselves too good for. I remember times when I wouldn't see him for weeks because he didn't get home until late and went straight to bed just to get up early the next morning before we woke.

Most of the things us kids had were second hand. It killed my dad. All he ever wanted was to take care of his kids. We learned early in life what takes some people a lifetime. Life ins't fair. People don't get handed everything they want. Sometimes you have to make tough choices you don't want to make. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

Needless to say my life was less than desirable most of my childhood. I didn't always notice it though. My dad did his best to distract us from the reality of our situations. When we become homeless my 3rd grade year of school, my dad did his best to make it feel like we were just camping. smores and hot dogs were always around. But try as he might, we weren't stupid.

As I grew older I grew to hate this world. I truly truly hated it. I hated the hurt. I hated how unfair it was. Despite how good of a person I tried to be I found that the world pretty much hated me. People didn't like me. I moved around a lot. It got to the point that I really didn't know how to interact with people. I was awkward. I was rude. And people didn't like that. So because people didn't like me, I didn't like them. I decided to take all that pain and that hurt and use it to build a great big wall around myself. I shut people out. I didn't think things were funny anymore. I didn't find good in anything at all.

When I got to high school my dad gave me my first computer. I had always had an affinity for video games because they helped me forget about my life. I forgot about the hurt. I could be the person I wanted to be without fear of rejection or hurt. In video games, people already had a predetermined opinion of me and it was usually good. It was a nice escape. I took the computer my dad gave me and I completely abandoned reality. I had no desire for it. I didn't even like sleeping because the dreams were just as bad as the school I was forced to attend. I wanted no part in it.

Fast forward to my senior year, I got saved. Jesus entered my life and flipped me upside down. He came in and he wrecked my heart, completely changing me from the inside out. I got plugged in, discipled and learned what God really had planned for my life.

These past three years have been the best years of my life. But recently I've tried to become really transparent with myself. I've found that my addiction to video games has become a hindrance not only for my life but also for my effectiveness for Christ. Its become a massive distraction from my actual goals and desires. It set itself as an idol in my life and I have loved it more than my life. I have realized that it has become an outlet for when I don't want to deal with a situation or an emotion. I just bury it away in my games and pretend like it isn't there. So, at least for now I have decided that I'm not going to allow them to continue the way that they are. I've given them up to pursue the things in my life that are truly worth living for.

Love. Is. Kind.

The older I get the more I realize how unkind I can be. I'm actually blown away by how unloving I have been. People like to think that loving someone is in part measured by our intentions. I've heard the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Love is not measured by intentions. Intentions didn't take Jesus to the cross. Action did.

I suddenly realize how little my actions resemble love. My intentions have always been good. Even filled with love. Rarely, however my actions have. I tend to be quick and sharp. I've allowed this world to shape me into a tool. One that is jaded and hard. Pointed and sharp like a broken piece of glass. I cut to the touch.

My heart swells with regret and desperation. That's what Jesus does inside of us. He swells us with love. He digs deep inside us, nestles down and then pushes out. My heart swells with love and its my responsibility to express that love, to share it. To freely scatter that love. To give it the opportunity to plant itself in someone else's heart.

Father, open my eyes and my heart to what you're doing in other's lives. Give me kind words. A gentle touch. Loving actions. Let my speech be full with purpose. Let my serving be full of praise. Let me be transparent father. Broken before you and confident in your grace. Remind me continually of your power in my life. Teach me to share. Break open my heart to your world Lord and let me spend every ounce of this life until I am empty and spent. Broken and filled.

Fear

I am convinced that in my life, I think, that the most difficult thing about being a man, specifically a Christian man, is the fear. A terribly feeling that seems to attack us everywhere. At our home, in our workplace. On the stage and in the darkest depths of the night. It is present at every decision in our life. It fights heavily against every accomplishment. It is FEAR that has convinced me of the presence of God. You see because in every dark corner of our minds. Where fear triumphs. There is a still quite voice steadily whispering in our ears "Do not fear." It is here that I am introduced to the strongest quality in every man. Courage.

It makes me wonder, if maybe Father knew that we would be so afraid, that we would betray Him. So He whispered into our hearts the very tool to see us to the other side. Because where Fear persists God persists. Where fear attacks, God strengthens. In courage we find the very spirit of God ushering us along. What more could a man ask for than to have his Father forever fighting in his corner.

How To Drink Water

We like to think of Christ's righteousness like water. The word is often referred to it as the waters of life. We talk about thirsting after God, but the problem is that when you're thirsty, you know you're thirsty. Its instinctive to know the feeling of not having water.

Here's were it gets cray cray. The way we view our spiritual lives is the same way we view our drinking habits. I'm a prime candidate of drinking sugary drinks in replacement of water. It tastes better. Its easier to drink, I like the taste. Its immediate. I don't drink water that often, cause there's no immediate "feel-good" to it. The irony is that a half hour after drinking my sugar-filled-death-drink I get a headache or I crash. Had I drank water, I'd be feeling awesome. Instead, I feel like crap. We do the same thing with Christ. We like the sugar filled gospel. It taste good. It feels good. It has an immediate benefit to us. The problem is that it won't sustain us. We get thirsty. We get headaches.

So you'd think it be pretty obvious, like drink water and you'll do better in the long run. Its easy for us to say "those luke warm Christians, always drinking the sugar water!" but the reality is that most people don't even realize there is water. They don't know that the thirst they feel isn't for the cheap easy christian life. They don't know its for the full sustaining and revitalizing life.

How do we fix this? Whats the remedy for our sugar-consuming christian habits? Its so simple. Teaching. You can't expect someone who doesn't know something to be accountable for that information. We as a body have to remind each other whats good for us and whats not. We have to teach each other and prove what is pleasing and acceptable. The best way to do that is to offer people water. I.E. the Word of God. I'm talking really good stuff, the deep stuff at the bottom of the well. Something with substance. When people get the taste of that... and see how it sustains them in the difficult times, they'll never go back to the sugar water. It won't be the same.

Today I Had The Most Beautiful Farewell...

Today I had the privilege of seeing my Grandmother buried.

My Grandmother was a key character in my life. She instilled in me an honesty and an integrity which I can owe no other. I would not be the man I am today without her love and care. I think back now on a time when my sister and I were fighting, I was a very insecure young 14 year old boy. My sisters used to call me a fag and a fairy and pretty much any un-masculine thing they could think of. They would attack my identity at its core and they never held back blows. My father taught me to treat women with respect. I was never allowed to raise my hand, never allowed to use my aggression against a girl. However words were something he often abused. So finally after an onslaught of verbal abuse I finally screamed back at her some of the most hurtful things one could ever say about a girl. I remember her turning and literally running off crying. I had finally beaten her at her own game. Then my Grandmother, who rarely left her room came out. She had hear the whole conversation. I can still see her vividly in her psychedelic robe...
"Are you happy with yourself?" She asked. I didn't reply... I wasn't.
"She said worse things to me!" I finally replied.
"It doesn't matter." She relied before I could finish my sentence. She proceeded to read me the riot act. I was furious. It was unfair. Why was I in trouble when she had said the terrible things she had said... it was more than a year before I finally understood what she was trying to teach me. Two wrongs don't make a right. I always believed that... but I had never put that into context. Life altering. Suddenly I began to realize that no matter how someone made me feel... I was still responsible for my actions.

I could write books about the times in my life where this mean old woman would unfairly punish me when I wasn't the one in the wrong. Oh how I hated that. How I was offended by it. My brother would tell a boldface lied and I would tell a little fib and I'd be attacked in an instance. "Sneaky!" she called me. The audacity! When I got older however... I could do nothing but thank her. She carved character into me without me ever knowing it. What an amazing woman.

When Christ entered my life, my thoughts quickly turned to her and my father. Both whom's health was fading and who didn't know Jesus. I spent the first year of my saved life praying and lamenting over them. I remember once driving home with her... after spending the weekend with my father. She told me about a study she was going to at my Aunt Lorraine's church. She talked to me about God and asked me questions about my beliefs... she was so happy.. almost to tears when she heard my answer. GOD WAS GOOD! She had never known a good God. Only a condemning religious God... she was so excited... I didn't see her for another two years...

This Thanksgiving, her health finally began to fail. The family went to visit her. I wanted desperately to finish the conversation we had those two years ago but she wasn't in her right mind... and I got the impression my family was ready to blow up on me at the mention of Christ. I prayed all night the first night for strength to defy my family and blow them off and just ask her if she wanted to hear it. But when the opportunity arrived... it didn't seem right. She just smiled at me. I never asked... so I figured I would come up and visit another time without the family around so that we could talk, just the two of us.

After Thanksgiving we all headed home. The following Tuesday, she died.

I was mortified. The idea... of never seeing her again was crushing. It didn't hurt... I had already lamented her death long before she died because she didn't have Christ... but the reality of no Hope... was solemn.

Then when I arrived at her funeral... after the family had gathered... two women went up and shared an experience they had with her. They talked about the study she went to. About how she was "spunky" defiant. Oh boy did they know her. How intelligent she was. How strong she was. Suddenly it came to me where these women were going. Two years go, my grandmother dedicated her life to Jesus Christ. She accepted the King of Kings into her heart. Fully convinced, with a faith that would stagger my own, she faced cancer like the Lion I know she is. Peace was the result. Peace. That smile. All that time, she never told me. How could she. Our family was resentful of the entire idea of Christ. When could she have? Such few opportunities.

Now I know, that one day I will see that strong women again. A testament to my heritage  Someone who I am so proud to know I share the same blood with. I came to that funeral broken hearted and left full of excitement. Thank you Father, you are without a doubt, strong enough to save.

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
[2 Timothy 2:22]

I have strived for 3 years in an attempt to maintain purity in both my mind and body. In the society that we live, this is a fight with many causalities. It is not a fight one can take lighthearted. I have my own personal shames and failures in this fight. Yet, in spite of its difficulty and near impossible goal... I push on.

It is not some extreme source of will power or some divine mantle that has given me such a drive to fight. I have been given a very good reason to fight. I have never engaged in a relationship with a girl in which I did not place my full heart on the table. I have and I will always love people as if I will love them forever. Especially those who I had developed feelings for. I am a covenant man. I am imperfect and fail, but I never forget those who I have committed to. I have always been this way, it is a God instilled trait. It is part of my character. As Paul put it: 

"for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." 

[Romans 11:29]

Because of this, I have suffered. My poor choices and fickle heart have in the past drawn me in to my own self inflicted defeat. If I were to relate myself best to a biblical character, I think tragically I would best compare to Samson.

Before Christ entered my life, this combination brought me to the brink of despair. Incapable of functioning. It bound me. Crushed me. I had become a shell of the man who I once strived to become. My heart you see, was poisoned. I had discovered realities of this world that made life not worth living.

Fidelity was no longer chief. It was no longer established above relationships. In fact I doubted the possibility of its existence. Fidelity being the value I held most dear. Trust was gone. There was only me. Despite my unwavering loyalty and dedication to those I love. I found that it was never returned when it was most needed.

Chivalry was dead. It was no longer acceptable in our society. I could no longer throw my coat down for a lady to walk across, I could no longer open doors for ladies without being told I was a chauvinist. My strength, both mental spiritual and physical was no longer needed. Women did not want a man who protected and cared for them. What had once been seen as true manly behavior had become a twisted and tainted belief. It was dead. Women did not want to be a damsel in distress. They did not want to be saved. To be sought after. The place and the purpose that I had drawn my strength was found to be an empty crypt. 

Purity was lost. I found that despite my best efforts to maintain my purity (even before Christ's intervention in my life) it was in vain. Purity was no longer valued. It was mocked. Virginity was without value. A clean mind was without place. Things that I desperately fought for. They had become fool's gold. I had been chasing the wrong treasure. My desire for a pure relationship. A pure marriage, had become hopeless.

I found myself in a world I did not wish to be a part of. Love had been my purpose. Every goal and achievement in my life. All the knowledge and effort I had put into my mind, became suddenly worthless. My world had become pain. I had placed my heart out for the world to see, given my strength away. It came back wanting.

Then suddenly, in all that pain... when death had become a longing... like the desire to run away... like a pool of water in the desert. Desirable, promising, peaceful... a savior stepped in.

He restored me. Filled me. Held me together in the cold nights... when despite my service and loyalty... I could still feel the pain. Slowly... like a nurse ministering to a man recovering from war, he brought me back to life.

Three years, I have pursued purity. I have forsaken all relationships. I have forsaken all intimacy. I have given up any form of love that does not meet the requirements of Christ Jesus. I have decided that I will wait forever. For Fidelity. For Chivalry. For Purity. That at the end of my days if I never experience love again, the love of Christ will sustain me. I will stand alone. Forever. For the sake of what is right and true.

Because even when the world comes down on me. Even when this earthly love fails me, there is a savior who will tear apart heaven and earth if I call on His name. He is faithful to answer. He is pure and without blemish. And yet, despite the fact that I am not. He still is.

So I will flee, and I will run. I will run with the young men who have taken up the difficult fight for purity. I will pursue righteousness. Faith. Love. Peace. Because of first my God, who I owe all loyalty and faith. But also because if I can't do so for the one Christ has picked out for me, then how could I ever expect her to.

There is still Hope for Purity.

I wholly believe that there is still an obtainable purity in our minds bodies and souls. That it is not mad to believe that we can ascend beyond our flesh. That true love is made possible when purity is established above desire.

Slow To Anger...

The NIV says: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” [James 1:19] This of course being a mention of Godliness mentioned in [Psalm 145:8] “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”

I find that I am not often, but on occasion known for being rather quick to anger. I have a quick fuse and while difficult to light, the fuse is very short…

The very idea that I feel entitled to become angry at any individual is absurd. I have sinned no less than them and I have been no less selfish than others… and yet I feel anger towards others when they display selfish desires… what a strange creature the human is.

Interesting that the Psalmist there uses love as a contrast to anger. You see, it is difficult to be angry at someone you feel love towards. I find that when my heart is full of love and my mind is meditating on love, I am truly slow to anger. My patients is increased exponentially…

If we can learn to slow our speech, to slow our anger, and rather walk in love towards each other on a regular basis we find that difficulties become so much smaller. You see, I have found that long hours of patients and grace can be easily destroyed by short minutes of anger and frustration. Let us then strive my friends to first attune our hearts and our minds to our God, before ever speaking or interacting with His children.

Solitude, His Peace.

It is in the darkest hours of the night that I find peace. When everything and everyone else is covered in darkness it is easier to find Him. I feel as though I'm back in the Garden, walking in His presence. There is a peace and a wholeness when I am alone with just Him...

In life I find many struggles and difficulties, primarily in myself. There is turmoil and unrest in my soul. On one hand I rebel and fight the immense difficulty and expectations of my King. I disdain His presence and wish only to be free from what seems an unfair imprisonment.

On the other hand, I am His righteous servant. I give my life up for the His glorious will. I bow before His crown and see the justice of His being. I love His presence and I seek it constantly, I understands His expectations and I find them agreeable...

And so a civil war takes place in my soul. I am like the restless sea, constantly shifting and turning in the night... gaining and receding... the tide of my heart ever so changing.

I am both the Monster in the woods and the Knight whom slays him... when the black overwhelms me all of the struggle passes away and my soul finds peace, the King's presence demands peace. Both sides throw down arms and submit to His righteous decree, knees bowed they give over their struggle in the hope of true peace.

And so... in this night my heart is made still... through all the worry and all the pain I find His love breaks through to the sunrise. You see, when we are alone... that is when we find that the enemy we're fighting has always been ourselves.

The Laborer Is Worthy Of His Wages

Pride, often in our lives is our downfall. We are unable to put it aside and accept the help of others, or we are unwilling to put it down for the sake of others. It alienates us from those we love and ourselves. It puts us in a position in which we can no longer be ourselves. We gain an unrelenting fear of failure because while in pride it is all we have.

Pride has been a reoccurring theme in my life, as it is with many people. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. However, I have come to peace with my own imperfection and short comings, as they were all settled on the Cross with our Lord Jesus. Yet, I feel inadequate at times. I feel as though I am not doing enough, or that I am not doing the right thing.

My heart is and always will be for His kingdom. I strive each day to further it in whatever way I can and I submit and serve as best that I know how. However, I do not work. I have no job, except that I am employed by His kingdom.  I bring in not revenue and I save no money.

This is my inadequacy. I feel as though I should. I feel like I must work to obtain something, as though somehow if I could just get a job, if I could just gain something, that everything would be alright. I want desperately to work and gain, to show achievement, to show progress. What kind of man wouldn't want that? What kind of man would not want to provide and to give freely. And yet, in serving Him, I have found no cause for a Job. I am supported and taken care of. I am given to freely and blessed abundantly with friends and family who care so much for me.

Is it Pride or Righteousness that tugs at my heart to go out and obtain, to provide. That is a question only my heart and God can answer. Recently it has been an on going struggle to deal with this inadequacy. I have not known how to deal with it. Should I drop what I am doing and get a job? Is that Biblical and Righteous? Or is it Pride and selfishness? In this search, deep into my heart and in the spirit of God I came to a revelation. My Father, God lead me to Luke 10:7 "And remain in the same house, eating and drinking such things as they give, for the laborer is worthy of his wages. Do not go from house to house."

This is the answer that my Father gave to me and the same He gives to all His servants wherever their faith is. I am worthy of my wages because I serve a just and fair God. I serve a Loving and fatherly God. Thank you Lord, for your grace and spirit of revelation and comes upon me. You change me and humble me daily, you are my rock. You are my center, my everything. Amen.

Dear God

Father, all my wishes all my prayers rest in your word. All my hopes father rest on your promises. Without your guiding light I am lost, I am blind. I find myself Lord when I am not seeking you, falling away into my hopelessness. This life Lord is a constant pursuit of your goodness that seems to never end. My heart cries Lord for your spirit for your truth. My soul Lord craves your love. God, I need to hear you. I need to touch you. I seek you Lord. You are the object of my obsessions. My life pivots on your grace.

Lord there are times that I am alone and you feel so far away, death Lord would be better than that. Every time I fall every time I betray you my birth was vain. My life is forfeit. Every time Lord that I fall short of your plans and your intentions it would be better that I had never existed. My plans Father my intentions my strength my wisdom my knowledge it is all in vain! Nothing I could ever create or do could save me.

My cry Lord, is grace. Consume me Father, change me! Renew me! Break me down Father and build me back up. Rend from me the garments of poverty and pain, loosen the shackles of sin. I am yours. Restore to me father your garments of love, your ring of authority. Arm me God, with your sword and your shield. Guard me Lord I am so afraid. I am afraid that I will forget your grace for a second that I will forget the price you paid God. Jesus! How dare I forget your sacrifice, how dare I betray your cause. God do not allow me to live if I am no moved by your great love. Extinguisher this light if it ever strays from the cross.

I am yours oh God, your grace is sufficient your love is enough. Your presence satisfies my soul. Let me not grow weary in good doing. Let me not falter in your cause. protect me Lord. My refuge my guardian.

Each Work Of Art Is a Portrait Of God

Today, some of the greatest young people of God I have ever met and certainly some of my best friends and closest brothers are off to preach to the nations! God has called them to the Philippines, lead by our amazing youth pastor into a broken land crying out for a touch from God. Their mission is honorable and absolutely amazing. I am so proud of them, inspired to new heights. However even with this great opportunity to share the love of our Father, I find myself torn and a little broken by their departure.I must ask myself, why Lord is it that my heart is broken at the separation of my brothers and sisters. What is it father that bonds each of us, so close together...

I read once, that every work of art is a self portrait. If this is true then truly I have seen the face of God. In each one of His children I have seen a piece of Him, a little part of Him revealed through His beautiful works of art. In each of the amazing men and women of God, now on their way to the Philippines rests a little piece of my God. I can not help but miss each of them because in each of them, I miss my God. His correction and words of Wisdom, His father like and mentoring spirit, His compassion and love for His children, His joy and heart for all man kind. His genuine care for the individual. All shown, all set on display for the world to see, in his unique and hand crafted works of art.

Through this revelation of our God I have discovered that the only way to truly see our God is to see each other, to know them and recognize Christ in them, to truly seek after the little piece of God He hid inside them, so perfect and flawless. I know that no matter how I try, I could never know my God without knowing His children. In that I find peace and hope, because there are many of His children and I know only a fraction of a fraction. Praise you God for your love and mercy. I love you God and in turn I love each of your pieces of creation.