Because He Loves You So Much...

Every time I look at this image, it breaks my heart. A picture of a lion and a little kid reaching out to one another but separated by glass. Realistically this lion may want to eat the little girl as a snack (joking) but symbolically there is something profound I find here.

I grew up without a mother. I never had someone to hold me when I was crying or to teach me the compassion and heart of a women. There are many experiences and life lessons that I spent a great deal of time without. However one thing that I did not miss out on, was the love of a father.

I never had to wonder if someone loved me. I never had to wonder if someone would protect me, if they could protect me. I knew that if anything ever tried to come between my father and I, he would tear it apart. I was always proud of my father. Even in his alcoholism, I never once doubted his love or ability to take care of me. He has a felony to prove it.

When God was introduced into my life, it became overly apparent that He held those same characteristics as my father did. Loving, protective, jealous for me. As I contemplated my time in life without God, I began to get a picture like this one in my mind. God says Himself, that He will never leave us, so He must have always been there... right?! So what... what could keep Him from us?! A veil. Revelation. All that time... He was just sitting there, patiently... desperately... jealously. Waiting for me to look on the other side of it. Waiting to rip the only thing separating us apart.

That's how much He loves us.

The very idea that God is just waiting on us... waiting... trying send a message through that glass house. Unable to speak to us... because we are so unwilling to listen... unwilling to believe the truth. That He's always been there. That He never abandoned us.

I get this picture in my mind of a little kid trapped in a dark dark room. Filled with hate. Filled with hopelessness. Assaulted and hurt by the evil that occupies the room. The only door to the room is made from solid wood. Worn down by years of pounding and banging... scratching... trying to get out. Screams can be heard inside the room... crying... sobbing...

On the other side of the door sits a man. A father. He hears the cries of his child. With each yelp and scream he pounds harder on the door. Like the beat of a drum, without pause and without relent. Desperately trying to break down the door. Unable to open it from the outside.

The words shoot violently from His mouth.
"Unlock the door!"

He never gives up. He never walks away. Because He Loves You So Much...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
[2 Timothy 2:22]

I have strived for 3 years in an attempt to maintain purity in both my mind and body. In the society that we live, this is a fight with many causalities. It is not a fight one can take lighthearted. I have my own personal shames and failures in this fight. Yet, in spite of its difficulty and near impossible goal... I push on.

It is not some extreme source of will power or some divine mantle that has given me such a drive to fight. I have been given a very good reason to fight. I have never engaged in a relationship with a girl in which I did not place my full heart on the table. I have and I will always love people as if I will love them forever. Especially those who I had developed feelings for. I am a covenant man. I am imperfect and fail, but I never forget those who I have committed to. I have always been this way, it is a God instilled trait. It is part of my character. As Paul put it: 

"for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." 

[Romans 11:29]

Because of this, I have suffered. My poor choices and fickle heart have in the past drawn me in to my own self inflicted defeat. If I were to relate myself best to a biblical character, I think tragically I would best compare to Samson.

Before Christ entered my life, this combination brought me to the brink of despair. Incapable of functioning. It bound me. Crushed me. I had become a shell of the man who I once strived to become. My heart you see, was poisoned. I had discovered realities of this world that made life not worth living.

Fidelity was no longer chief. It was no longer established above relationships. In fact I doubted the possibility of its existence. Fidelity being the value I held most dear. Trust was gone. There was only me. Despite my unwavering loyalty and dedication to those I love. I found that it was never returned when it was most needed.

Chivalry was dead. It was no longer acceptable in our society. I could no longer throw my coat down for a lady to walk across, I could no longer open doors for ladies without being told I was a chauvinist. My strength, both mental spiritual and physical was no longer needed. Women did not want a man who protected and cared for them. What had once been seen as true manly behavior had become a twisted and tainted belief. It was dead. Women did not want to be a damsel in distress. They did not want to be saved. To be sought after. The place and the purpose that I had drawn my strength was found to be an empty crypt. 

Purity was lost. I found that despite my best efforts to maintain my purity (even before Christ's intervention in my life) it was in vain. Purity was no longer valued. It was mocked. Virginity was without value. A clean mind was without place. Things that I desperately fought for. They had become fool's gold. I had been chasing the wrong treasure. My desire for a pure relationship. A pure marriage, had become hopeless.

I found myself in a world I did not wish to be a part of. Love had been my purpose. Every goal and achievement in my life. All the knowledge and effort I had put into my mind, became suddenly worthless. My world had become pain. I had placed my heart out for the world to see, given my strength away. It came back wanting.

Then suddenly, in all that pain... when death had become a longing... like the desire to run away... like a pool of water in the desert. Desirable, promising, peaceful... a savior stepped in.

He restored me. Filled me. Held me together in the cold nights... when despite my service and loyalty... I could still feel the pain. Slowly... like a nurse ministering to a man recovering from war, he brought me back to life.

Three years, I have pursued purity. I have forsaken all relationships. I have forsaken all intimacy. I have given up any form of love that does not meet the requirements of Christ Jesus. I have decided that I will wait forever. For Fidelity. For Chivalry. For Purity. That at the end of my days if I never experience love again, the love of Christ will sustain me. I will stand alone. Forever. For the sake of what is right and true.

Because even when the world comes down on me. Even when this earthly love fails me, there is a savior who will tear apart heaven and earth if I call on His name. He is faithful to answer. He is pure and without blemish. And yet, despite the fact that I am not. He still is.

So I will flee, and I will run. I will run with the young men who have taken up the difficult fight for purity. I will pursue righteousness. Faith. Love. Peace. Because of first my God, who I owe all loyalty and faith. But also because if I can't do so for the one Christ has picked out for me, then how could I ever expect her to.

There is still Hope for Purity.

I wholly believe that there is still an obtainable purity in our minds bodies and souls. That it is not mad to believe that we can ascend beyond our flesh. That true love is made possible when purity is established above desire.

Cruel Little Boy

How cruel, how harsh a man can be. What wicked and tormented part of us wishes such harm on our fellow man? What hate have we hidden in our hearts that causes such strife and wrath? What Lord, is so hidden inside me? What, makes me forget time and time again of your great love?

I cry Lord, I plea! Take it away, forgive my soul. I have sinned Lord! I have fallen! What selfishness has overcome me?! How absurd! To even ask forgiveness... Like a cruel child I have attacked your children, and yet return to you for comfort. What boldness to approach you! What arrogance to beg from you!

Why Lord, do I have these scars? Why do I bleed so bad? Who Lord knows how deep these scars go? Who Lord has seen the blood and the pain? Who can understand the tears? What man can see the suffering? The years oh God spent locked away. Whipped and tortured. Burned and cut. Steel Bars of my own foolishness held me. Isolation befriended me. Sorry overwhelmed me. The years Lord, how long they were. The scars Lord, how deep they dug.

There he stood, his words they cut. His hands they smothered. In him was accusations. Around him was death. He drew before me my very actions. He threw upon me my own inequities! He stood there and accused me. His words were true, his charges just. Every crime I committed, every Sin I drank. He brought before me past and present. "To YOU!" he cried, "they belong!" He stamped on me my title, earned in full. He broke my bones. He cut my throat. He shut me in. He locked me away. There he burned me. There he stole from me all that I held dear.

I was alone Lord, bleeding to death I cried out. Surrounded, I surrendered. Desperately the words came out, painfully they were uttered. Save Me Lord. Save me from my selfishness! Save me from my cruelty! Save me from my hate! From my lust! From my envy! Pull from me these nails. I lay there helpless, my crimes before me.

And in the darkness I felt Your great hand. You reached inside me. You touched my heart. It was then you spoke, it was there that you proclaimed to me. "I, have felt these scars. I have seen this blood. I know how deep they go, I've felt their burn. In these hands I took your nails. In these hands I bore your Sin! I have stolen your title. I have set you free!" Your hands they held me. You pulled me free, they took the flames. Your hands they dug, they burrowed in. You felt my very beating heart, and there I lay covered in your great blood. Your heart in mine. Your fire is mine. You traded me my helpless body. You traded me my failing heart.

"Here I have planted, no deeper can one go. No further can one dig. Here I plant my flowing river. Here I rest my healing hands. In your heart I whisper my Word." You stitched me up, you covered me. You set upon me your shining crown. You stamped upon me your golden seal. How precious your blood. In me grew a heart of strength. In me grew a soul of love. "I have cast away your stoney heart. I have purged away your blood stained soul.

Yet Lord, here I stand my hands in blood. My heart so hard. And yet again I see those nails. Yet again I see Your blood. And there you stand, your hands in my heart. You lips across my forehead. You take the flames, you take the nails. You heal my heart. You feel the scars, how deep they go. "I know." You assure me "I will always love you."

Hallelujah!

Dear God

Father, all my wishes all my prayers rest in your word. All my hopes father rest on your promises. Without your guiding light I am lost, I am blind. I find myself Lord when I am not seeking you, falling away into my hopelessness. This life Lord is a constant pursuit of your goodness that seems to never end. My heart cries Lord for your spirit for your truth. My soul Lord craves your love. God, I need to hear you. I need to touch you. I seek you Lord. You are the object of my obsessions. My life pivots on your grace.

Lord there are times that I am alone and you feel so far away, death Lord would be better than that. Every time I fall every time I betray you my birth was vain. My life is forfeit. Every time Lord that I fall short of your plans and your intentions it would be better that I had never existed. My plans Father my intentions my strength my wisdom my knowledge it is all in vain! Nothing I could ever create or do could save me.

My cry Lord, is grace. Consume me Father, change me! Renew me! Break me down Father and build me back up. Rend from me the garments of poverty and pain, loosen the shackles of sin. I am yours. Restore to me father your garments of love, your ring of authority. Arm me God, with your sword and your shield. Guard me Lord I am so afraid. I am afraid that I will forget your grace for a second that I will forget the price you paid God. Jesus! How dare I forget your sacrifice, how dare I betray your cause. God do not allow me to live if I am no moved by your great love. Extinguisher this light if it ever strays from the cross.

I am yours oh God, your grace is sufficient your love is enough. Your presence satisfies my soul. Let me not grow weary in good doing. Let me not falter in your cause. protect me Lord. My refuge my guardian.

These Hands

These hands are for the broken hearted, for the empty handed, for the lost and confused. These hands bring peace, these hands bring healing, these hands bring life, these hands are strength to weary bones. These hands carry fire, these hands consume guilt. These hands break strongholds. These hands are strong and mighty. these hands do not fail. These hands always love. These hands beckon joy. These hands carry hope. These Hands are not my own. These hands belong to you.

When all seems lost and hope is gone, when life is absent and death is present. These hands will carry, these hands will hold. When hearts are broken and men have failed, when the walls are too high and the steel is too strong, these hands will break these hands will bend. When you're all alone and light is fading, when you're broken down without words, these hands will heal these hands will bind.

These hands have been consumed. These hands have been crucified. These hands no longer bare my will. These hands no longer bleed my blood. These hands are His, these hands are life. These hands are Christ's, they will conquer, they will prosper.