What is it to be a Bride?

You know, it's strange at first to know that God calls us His bride. Especially as a man I found it uneasy to be referred to in a feminine nature. What is a bride to me? What does it means to be His bride. I think at first we hang on the idea that a bride is a woman. Which is accurate but really it falls short of the true symbolism of a bride. I can't help but think of Rachel. When Jacob fought so hard and labored so many years of his life away to be with her. It didn't matter how high to price raised or how many years it might cost him. There was no other option for him. She was his bride. 

To be a bride means to be waiting, to be engaged in, or to be recently married. When God calls us His bride its a promise. It's a covenant. And when you understand the reality of the Cross and the magnitude of His blood spilled for us and when we really get what 30 years on the earth patiently waiting and thousands of recorded years of suffering and betrayal, when the beauty of it all really hits us. We find the value of our dowery to be infinite. That no matter what the price was, he would have paid it from His own flesh. 

Like His heart breaks so profoundly and so deeply by our misery that His hands stretch out to heal our bodies and our hearts. Like he literally bore our sickness. If we're honest, when we love someone how often we desire to bare their burdens and heal their sickness. Like we'd take the cancer straight from our grandparents body. Like we'd take it ourselves. If we could just take the broken heart of our daughters and bare that even for a little while. We'd gladly lift the stress of our brides day. And there in the midst of all that wishing and desiring there stands our groom.

His body eaten by cancer. His shoulders burdened by stress and his brow wrinkled with broken-hearted-ness. Hanging gladly on Calvary. What's it mean to be His bride? To be sought after. To be desired with such jealousy that it consumes oceans and planets. To be purchased at such an outrageous price. To have such a debt paid. Hosea 3:2

We are engaged in such a love story this would has only ever known once. To be His bride is to know salvation. Is to exceedingly expect His arrival. It is to know our true worth. It is to be loved. 

Modesty Isn't a Joke & Purity isn't about Sex.

I've been spending a large deal of time over the past several years trying to understand myself and why I am the way that I am and how I can better reflect Christ in my attitudes and behaviors. I've had to deal with a lot of issues and still do. One that I have found paramount in my walk with Christ has been purity.

I've said it before but I'll say it again. When I'm talking about purity, I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about my mind. I am constantly at war with my thoughts and my words. I'm constantly speaking purity myself. Pure motives. Pure attitudes. Pure behaviors. I have a desperate desire to maintain my purity.

What is frustrating to me is the way our culture encourages the opposite. Listening to guys talk like complete idiots in regards to women and hearing continual sexual jokes like its not big deal has become so tired to me. What is most upsetting is that women have embraced this culture. Dressing appropriately and even going as far as to make similar jokes. Like, its "ok" they're "just men". Like, we can't do any better, or worse that we shouldn't.

Where the heck does that become ok? Are we so insecure that we have to verbally state sexual desire? Like every dude doesn't feel that way? Like thats even a question? Like Sin ain't there right away to try and twist our thoughts so we need someone to remind us "Oh yeah, we should probably be thinking something sinful right now." Or like dressing properly isn't important. "Oh shoot, I accidentally wore something inappropriate, silly me." How apathetic!

Please don't get me twisted. I've heard people joke that if I had my way all the women would be wearing turtle necks and full sleeves in baggy jeans during the summer. But that's not even my prerogative. My prerogative is that we should care. I'm not trying to come down on people for how they dress, I want people who feel like something is wrong, to act like it's wrong. Stick to our convictions. Have a freaking spine. Be purposeful in what we say and what we wear and how we act.

Most importantly I want to see us create a culture that conflicts drastically with the way the world talks and thinks. It's sad to me, to see young men and women struggling to maintain friendships with one another. Why don't we just see each other as people? Why does everyone have to be a potential spouse? Again, are we so insecure that we don't think God has it figured out? Are we so frightened that he might call us to live like Paul, without someone entirely? Do we really think that God doesn't see the desires of our heart? That He would hold any good thing from us? What are we so afraid of?

Men, are we so insecure. Can we not act like men? Is it so necessary to be so crude? Is it so necessary to be so base? So simple? So boring? Why are our hearts not directed towards Christ? Why isn't that where our primary pursuit is engaged? Is it so weak? Does that invalidate our man card? Do we even believe what God has said? Shouldn't our priority to be the man God has called us to be, before we even think about having a spouse?

Why does purity to so many stop at what we do? Christ asked us to look deeper and address what we think, at how we talk, at who we are.

The trouble with comparison

Comparison is a weapon of the Enemy. As much as we like to tell ourselves and others that it helps us to judge "where someone is at" it really doesn't and I'll give you two good reasons why.

Firstly, the problem of our past. People come from different places, they learn different things and they grow in different ways. Whenever we put two people of different past up against each other and measure them not matter what we do, one of those people will out measure the other. Our pasts are unique and they all carry their own misfortune and good fortune. Some more of the former than the latter, and vice versa.

An interesting point that should be made as a beleiver is that in Christ we are new creations. Clean slate. Things are reset to "zero" and we start over. Besides the obvious practical reasons why a naive interpretation of that would cause new believers to fall into a pretty sad state, it's important to note that struggle is required to obtain some things. As Casey Treat is so famously quoted and please feel free to insert his iconic voice "You must renew your mind!" So things don't just change over night. It's a process of renewing, somethings may go away over night but some things take a continual renewal through the Word of God.

Secondly, the problem of our future. No two people have the same future (unless you want to group people into marriage covenant, but even still their unique individuals). Each person has a destiny that is known only to God. It's difficult for us to try and measure people when we have no idea what to measure them with. Our callings and giftings all come out in different ways and different times. It's so important that we understand that.

Moses spent 30 years in the desert before he was able to act on his desire to free his people. Joshua waited an entire generation to claim the promised lane. Paul was over 30 before he was saved, then spent another 20+ years serving his local church before he went around writing 2 thirds of the new testament. Jeremiah was 18-19 when he started preaching to people twice his age. Jesus was running around at 13 telling people whats up. We don't have the luxury of choosing when or how our giftings will come in full. In fact I doubt we'll even realize it when it happens.

It's so easy for people especially us young adults to try to use comparison to determine where we should be at. What we should be doing or how we should be doing it. But if we focus on that we will forget to focus on the most important thing which is What Is God Doing In My Life Now? Our faithfulness isn't determined by some great thing we accomplish or how many people we "save" it's measured (and I think the bible clearly dictates so) by our faithfulness to what God has called us to do. In every little task. Every small word.

Real Men Make War

I have a really interesting way of cooping with problems. Usually is starts with a really defeated attitude about the problem. The more drastic the likelihood of failure the easier I get a child like attitude. Then, all at once... I get really really really angry. I get so indignant about the situation and furious at the idea that a situation has trapped me. Usually at this point I go to War. I start searching for any and every tool that could possibly help me in the situation. Then I start using those tools to fight. More often than not I get pretty belligerent and impossible to detour.

Lately I've been trying to skip that first time and just go straight to war. When a situation pops up I try to just go to war against it. That includes my own emotional responses to situations. I get angry at getting angry. It's kind of a silly thing to say but in all seriousness I make war against my natural emotional responses to situations because they're just not Godly.

A key area of my life has always been my purity. It's something that I don't take lightly. I value my purity highly. I never want to be a vulgar or distasteful individual. No matter how funny people think it is. No matter how cool people think it is. I don't enjoy cursing. I don't enjoy saying or doing anything common. There are a variety of words (which I won't mention because I have friends who will enjoy using them over and over) that a simply hate that are commonly used. They aren't particularly nasty but they're common. I don't like them.

I don't enjoy toilet humor. It isn't funny. It makes me want to punch someone in the face. It's the most unintelligent way of joking. I don't enjoy scantly clad women. I find it repulsive. It's not that the women are unattractive or anything and I'm certainly not trying to tear down anyone, but wearing less clothing just tells me where your brain is and that's super unattractive. I REALLY don't enjoy perverse speech. I don't enjoy these things because they're a direct attack on my purity. They're a declaration of war against my identity. I like my identity. I like who God has made me to be. So I make war for my purity. I cast down, tear down, break down, burn down, ANYTHING that comes against my purity. I walk out of theaters when things go sour. I flip off the radio when something filthy comes on. I've left rooms, houses, parties, and friends because of the content. I've stopped listening to whoel genres of music because of their content.

It's not because I want to be some super spiritual guy, its cause I want to be real. How could I lie to myself and God? How could I accept something into my life that I know in every fiber of my being to be wrong?! I reject it. Like an infection to the body. I pump myself full of the world's anti- virus in the form of powerful worship and the deep seeded word of God.

I make war against attitudes. I don't like when I'm being negative or pissy. I don't think its ok. I don't agree with the way I treat my friends when I get angry. I love my friends. Dearly. I have friends that have taken far too much abuse from my backhanded sharp words. I won't accept it. I make war against it. I check my attitudes. I apologize for my er.

One of my most valued friends Ashley Cathey has been the victim more than once of my poor attitudes. I'm not ok with that. That's my sister. Someone I care about and love deeply and someone I only want to see succeed in life. How could I possibly treat her poorly? How could I speak perversely or vulgar around her? Doesn't she deserve better?

I've had a friend for years named Alex Maras who has stuck with me through thick and then. When I was the biggest jerk in the world, he was a faithful friend. When I went crazy and gave my life to Christ, despite his disagreements with some of my choices, he stuck with me. I have more than once cut him with my words in a way that no one else can. I've used our friendship as a tool to get what I want. Why would I not make war on something like that?

Depression and downheartedness has drained my life in the past years. It has pulled every fiber of goodness and joy from my life. Making even the most joyous occasions miserable. Tearing down everything I love and twisting it to hurt. I make war against that. I don't accept it. I demand joy in my life. Because I have an abundant supplier of the joy.

I make war against every situation and every emotion that tries to tear from me the promises and character of God. I don't just do it because I need to, but because others need me to. More importantly I want me to. They want me to. God WANTS me to. It's not just something I need. It's something I want.

I desperatly desire purity.
I desperatly desire kindness.
I desperatly desire patients.
I desperatly desire joy.
I desperately desire to live a life of Godliness.

So I make a desperate war against anything that tries to take them. Sometimes I lose. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I spend the night on my knees. But I fight. Because what I fight for is worth it. It's worth every single loss. It's worth the scars and the mistakes. Because the life I live is full of Christ and there is nothing more valuable on this planet and nothing more fulfilling than walking out His plan for your life. Real men make war. And maybe we're not much good at it. Maybe our Win/Loss ratio looks like a stacked deck. But we're fighting for what matters.

Why should I waste my time "serving" the "church"?

I've spent countless hours serving my church. I've done things I've hated. I've done things I've loved. I've worked with people who've gotten on my nerves. I've gotten on the nerves of everyone I've worked with. I've completed task I found completely pointless, some of which were incredibly taxing. I've missed birthday parties, graduations, weddings, and funerals because I put a service before them. I've lost friends and gained friends. More than once I've asked the question: "What am I doing here? Why am I wasting my time?" Usually the question rises out of frustration or out of self-righteous indignation. Each time, I remind myself of the three core reasons I do what I do.

Reason one why I waste of time serving: I'm so freaking good at it. I volunteer in our tech department, something I'm really really good at. Not because I know something that other people don't. Because I know how to figure things out. I like to troubleshoot. I love it when a computer fails or a feed glitches out. Computer crashes? Lights failing? Awesome. Thats what I'm good at. I've always excelled at finding patterns, breaking down equations and solving problems. I eat sleep and breath it. Whenever we get new volunteers at church I always try and find out what their good at. When you find out what you're good at you begin to find a passion for it... which leads me to my second reason for wasting my time.

Reason dos why I waste my time serving: I freaking love it. I adore it. Nothing lights a fire in my bones like seeing a service go off without a hitch. There is nothing like seeing a video project you've spent months working on turn out amazing and hear about how it effected lives. If we're not effecting lives, everything we do inside the four walls is utterly pointless. So I'm fiercely passionate about our media. It turns some people off. I offend people way too often. But I'm a little ok with that. My passion with either inspire others around me or weed out the people who aren't really passionate. I woke with some of the most passionate people I've ever met and when we get in a room together to hash out a project, you better believe sparks fly. I couldn't tell you how many times I've argued about something just because I didn't like the color of it, or the way it sounded coming off my tongue or even the way it felt in my hands. It's gotta be perfect. It has to be excellent and only the very best. What we do, we do in the name of Christ an it should represent him in every way. It should be done with care and with purpose. With passion! And that brings me to my third point.

The primary reason why I willing waste my time, energy and life "serving" the "church" is God. I do it because it's what He would do. He has imbued in each of us characteristics and passions that reflect His glory and goodness. I don't do it because Ill feel better at night "doing my good deed" for the Lord. I do it because He made me to do it. Because I take joy in it. I do it because that's the character He wants to develop in me. Someone who isn't afraid to just serve. To just work. He gave me the passion and the ability. What else do I eat sleep and breath for if not to fulfill His purpose for my life? There isn't anything on God's green earth I would sacrifice to see someone else get a hold of that. This world might be full of entertainment and "happiness" you might find some fun in your money or your job or your spouse but you won't find any joy. That is an antidote for this world that flows straight from the veins of Christ. When you connect into His arm like an IV you get filled up with most complete joy you could ever ask for.

There are a lot of people who either don't understand or don't want to understand why I waste my time "serving" the "church". I doubt reading this will change their minds much. You don't understand God by reading about Him or preaching about Him. You learn about Him down in the trenches, where He is. Fighting to reach every single person on earth. You experience Him holding the hands of His broken people and loving them back to life. Sometimes that means Getting up on a stage and teaching His message. Sometimes it means scrubbing the toilets till they shine just right. Most of the time it takes a lot of energy. No matter what you do, it requires servitude.

Running In Neutral

This picture has nothing to do with my blog. Just wanted to prove animals like me.

When I was growing up I used to hang out with my friend Dylan Burroughs a lot. We were super close friends. Unfortunately we were also both hot tempered. We used to get pretty ticked of pretty easily. After one of our many arguments I remember Dylan's dad Thomas taking me off to the side. "You're running in neutral." He told me.

It's something I've always done. When I'm emotionally or physically exhausted my brain kicks into neutral. I stop making purposeful decisions. My demeanor changes, my expression is usually blank and emotionless. I am almost entirely controlled by my environment when I'm running in neutral. It's a terrible place to be.

Lately I've noticed my increasing use of neutral. It usually how I cope with things I don't want to think about. I flip my brain into neutral and I just work. The problem being that when I run into people I tend to be really short and seemingly rude. Especially people I don't want to talk to. I realize that I seem like I'm angry or upset with people when in reality I'm just not there.

It's not surprising that people would think I'm angry though. I spent four years of high school developing an angry demeanor. That's how I handled being bullied or the fact that people in general didn't like me. I flipped myself into neutral and put on the angriest attitude I had. Now, even when I don't intend to, whenever I try not to think about something I end up going into a neutral state and looking all ticked off at the world. To me, it's a little bit funny because usually I'm no where near angry.

However, to others it's hurtful. Rude. So I'm trying my best to instead of going around in neutral just trying to take captive my thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5) and focus on the good in situations (Philippians 4:8). I don't think its acceptable to allow myself to just run in neutral because honestly, if we're not living a purpose life for Christ than this world will put its own purpose for our lives. Our actions, our attitudes and our words shouldn't be passive. They should be wielded like tools or weapons to create, defend, build up, and correct.

Find Shelter

You'll have to forgive me, this post may seem a bit repetitive in the sense that I'm piggy packing off of another one of my Pastor's sermons. Frankly talking about my Pastor's sermons is one of my favorite pass times. It really helps me to evaluate and grab a hold of what God is trying to teach me through my Pastor.

My whole life I've had to deal with Death. It has been very evident sense I was very little. In fact, at the age of 5 I came to the terms that eventually I would die, and believing that nothing happens after died (because all the Christians I had known up this this point felt really phony to me... a 5 year old) I figured I would just cease to exist. My ultimate resolution to this was that if I died I wouldn't even be around to miss not living so it couldn't be all that bad. But it was terrifying.

Under that world view I lived my entire childhood. Frankly nothing in this world really warranted my attention. It didn't really deserve my time. After all, eventually I would die so whats the point? You might say I was a "tad" cynical. I began to look for somewhere to hide from what I believe to be a harsh reality. Don't get me wrong here... I was suicidal or even depressed really by this reality. Not at first. I just didn't want to think about it. I wanted to avoid the whole idea of death; of life. So I hid. First I hid in toys, games, make believe. I never wanted to do anything real. I wanted to live in fantasy. Eventually that really didn't work out so I moved on to books. I used to read eight hundred page books a week. Sometimes people wonder how I know random stupid facts, probably because I picked it up in a book somewhere and stashed it away for a rainy day.

Eventually my escapism lead me to video games I talked about that a week or so ago in my blog Why I Have Given Up Video Games... 

Sometimes I hid in lust. Sometimes I hid in anger. Sometimes I hid in desperation. I was always looking for somewhere to shelter myself from that world I really didn't enjoy. It was my way of coping with what I didn't want to accept.

Tonight, my Pastor talked about finding shelter in God. It's a pretty simple concept. One that most of us Christians have heard before and have even practiced. However, it brought me to a sudden reality: Even with my avoiding of video games I've found myself desperately trying to hide myself in them again and again. If not them, television. Something to get my mind off of the things I really don't want to think about.

It's not that I don't seek God. I do my devotions almost every day.  I pray every day. I worship God every day. However, usually after running to Him with my problems. I usually end up feeling hopeless anyway... I talked about that in my previous blog: Fear: An evaluated look, inspired by my Pastor

I don't really trust where my help comes from (Psalm 121:1). I don't, when I'm feeling defeated or beaten up find refuge in Christ (Psalm 57:1). I bring my problems and my woes but I don't hide in Him. I don't look for shelter. I for some reason think its still my job to take the brunt of it. Like Jesus didn't die on the cross. LIKE JESUS DIDN'T DIE ON THE CROSS. Like the whole point of it all is that I don't have to bare that. At least not alone. As if God didn't provide a place for me. Like he isn't waiting in our secret place to look after me. To converse. To absolve. To forgive.

Sometimes I wonder at how stupid I can be. So easily confused or deceived. We humans are SO FUNNY. We can repeat something, completely understand it. Put it to practice and then forget the entire purpose of it. We take what God intended for relationship and we turn it right into a mechanical religion. It becomes ceremony.

"Of course I brought it to God!" And then I picked it up and walked out with it. LOL!

Tonight I really think I got the meaning that David was getting at in Psalm 121. Taking refuge in God. Crawling underneath the Word of God and letting God defend me. Veiling myself in His goodness. Like, "I don't care about what's going on. God's handling the situation bro. I'm just going to sit here and hide. In the corner, clad in Kevlar behind the blast shield. I think he can handle it."

Why I Have Given Up Video Games...

Recently, I've made the decision to stop playing video games. Those who know me, know how much that means to me, and that in part is why I've chosen to do it.

I didn't have the best childhood. I was raised by a single father with four kids. We didn't have much money growing up. We didn't get the nice things other kids got. Sometimes we slept on the floor. Sometimes we slept on the dirt. My father tried his best to take care of his kids. He worked jobs you'd only see hard working Hispanics take. The jobs everyone else considered themselves too good for. I remember times when I wouldn't see him for weeks because he didn't get home until late and went straight to bed just to get up early the next morning before we woke.

Most of the things us kids had were second hand. It killed my dad. All he ever wanted was to take care of his kids. We learned early in life what takes some people a lifetime. Life ins't fair. People don't get handed everything they want. Sometimes you have to make tough choices you don't want to make. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do.

Needless to say my life was less than desirable most of my childhood. I didn't always notice it though. My dad did his best to distract us from the reality of our situations. When we become homeless my 3rd grade year of school, my dad did his best to make it feel like we were just camping. smores and hot dogs were always around. But try as he might, we weren't stupid.

As I grew older I grew to hate this world. I truly truly hated it. I hated the hurt. I hated how unfair it was. Despite how good of a person I tried to be I found that the world pretty much hated me. People didn't like me. I moved around a lot. It got to the point that I really didn't know how to interact with people. I was awkward. I was rude. And people didn't like that. So because people didn't like me, I didn't like them. I decided to take all that pain and that hurt and use it to build a great big wall around myself. I shut people out. I didn't think things were funny anymore. I didn't find good in anything at all.

When I got to high school my dad gave me my first computer. I had always had an affinity for video games because they helped me forget about my life. I forgot about the hurt. I could be the person I wanted to be without fear of rejection or hurt. In video games, people already had a predetermined opinion of me and it was usually good. It was a nice escape. I took the computer my dad gave me and I completely abandoned reality. I had no desire for it. I didn't even like sleeping because the dreams were just as bad as the school I was forced to attend. I wanted no part in it.

Fast forward to my senior year, I got saved. Jesus entered my life and flipped me upside down. He came in and he wrecked my heart, completely changing me from the inside out. I got plugged in, discipled and learned what God really had planned for my life.

These past three years have been the best years of my life. But recently I've tried to become really transparent with myself. I've found that my addiction to video games has become a hindrance not only for my life but also for my effectiveness for Christ. Its become a massive distraction from my actual goals and desires. It set itself as an idol in my life and I have loved it more than my life. I have realized that it has become an outlet for when I don't want to deal with a situation or an emotion. I just bury it away in my games and pretend like it isn't there. So, at least for now I have decided that I'm not going to allow them to continue the way that they are. I've given them up to pursue the things in my life that are truly worth living for.

Pay & Position

Recently I've taken a step back from most of my duties in ministry. I've volunteered for three and a half years in our media department at our church without pay or position. Neither of those things have ever really been something I wanted. Money is a means to an end, not something I really want but in the long run something I need. Position has never been a thing to concern me in the kingdom of God because God calls each of us to different roles and places in ministry and I'm not concerned with which is better. However it was these two reasons that demanded that I take a step back.

pay

While I was volunteering full-time at my church I also started a business with a friend of mine. We built and marketed websites. At first, it went pretty well. We got a few solid contracts and within a few months I was making a decent wage. However, balancing two full time jobs at once isn't really an easy thing to do. In both ministry and in my workplace I dropped the ball several times. I just wasn't capable of doing both at the same time. I'm not sure why. It probably had something to do with bad time management or just a lack of capacity to complete that much work under deadlines.

My inability to juggle both jobs really frustrated me. I was angry because BOTH were required of me and I was really only capable of doing ONE of them well at the same time. I have a very one tracked mind and it does not switch easily so moving from task to task was and is very difficult for me.

My work eventually took me to Israel. Where I had a once in a life experience being able to share meals and homes with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was like I was both observing and documenting an important event in my own life and at the same time, experiencing and being impacted by it. However, my attitude had become quite negative before leaving. I was so frustrated by my inability to complete tasks and to live up to the expectations put on me that I began to blame the situation I was in. Somehow, my attitude had become defeated.

So when I got back from Israel, I really began to search my own heart. When my finances began to decline and I couldn't find a way to improve them I decided to take a break from my ministry duties in order to try and improve my finances.

position

I never intended to hold a position in my church, my goal has been and always will be to do that which God called me to do in this season of my life, until he says otherwise. That is to server His church and His people. Its weird, despite never wanting a position as I server God I was raised up in the eyes of my peers and my leaders and those that I lead. I never intended to lead anything. I only wanted to server God and do as much as I could for His kingdom with whatever skills I had at my disposal. It wasn't until others spoke positions or leadership over my life that I actually desired it. Don't get me wrong. I love leading people. I love every aspect of leadership, and its that love for leadership that has always made me leering to lead. My greatest fear in ministry is my pride. I never want to feel entitled to a position or to role. Because I'm not. I never want to become so arrogant and proud that I can't hear someone's voice.

So when people began to push me to take a position in my church or to act as if I had one, I did. I took on all the responsibilities that came with it. I worked hard. I poured my heart and soul into my team, into my church, into my work. However, when it became evident that I would actually acquire a position I became very discouraged. Even more so when it became increasingly more apparent that the more I tried to fulfill that responsibility the more that some resented me for and the more that I began to realize that I had all of the responsibilities of a position without the authority to execute them. I was frustrated. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how basic or difficult the task I undertook, it never felt like a win once it was accomplished.

So, I reluctantly had to take a step back and evaluate what I was doing and why.

understanding

Now that I've had time to evaluate things I think I've began to really nail down my own personal shortcomings.

I desperately desire to work hard. Its a huge thing for me. If I'm not pushing myself to the breaking point I don't feel like I've worked. I want to know at the end of the day that I laid everything on the table. I have decided to take a stand on this and to really pray each day for ways to push myself and to accomplish more.

I can not server the church at a cost to my personal development. I need to continually be growing and learning and desiring more. In every area of my life.

If I work hard enough and faithfully enough, money will never be the problem.

I server for development, nothing else.

Most importantly. I have been called to a community of people. Not to a  position or to place. But to a people.

As I move into a new season of my life, I can't help but squirm with anticipation of whats to come. Growing up and getting older as a Christian is such an amazing experience because each new year comes with new ways to grow and new experiences with Christ.

Father, I pray will my full heart that you keep and kindle the fire that you set in my heart. That you keep my mind and my perspective on the positive. That you give me the patients and the diligence to battle my thought process and my negative habits. Teach me to be humble, to be loving and to be kind to everyone I encounter. And above else, teach me to be a son.

The importance of a planted tree...

While I was in Israel I had the privilege of speaking to and amazing Jewish man named Ariel. He was a brilliant gentleman who took me around and showed me some of the historical landmarks in Tel Aviv. After we took our little tour I remember standing next to him by the old train station watching some of our  party talking under a great big tree. He leaned over to me and said the most profound thing. He told me that the tree they were underneath had massive roots to hold up its weight. Twice as deep as the tree was tall. Something broke loose in my spirit as I came to a realization: my whole life I've been measure by what is seen above ground. Its easy to look at my life and sum it up by the little that is seen. In fact there are many individuals who I know, who I work with that could easily be measured in such a way... even Ariel, who did not seem like much on the surface but just a few moments with him made me see exactly how deep those roots go. Men like him, like my pastors who's roots run deep... they support a lot of weight. They carry our generation on their backs.

It makes me sad to think of these because I also see people who seem larger than life... who think they have everything so figured out and then one day the wind blows just a little too hard and the roots snap and the world sees just how shallow those roots were. I wish my generation could get to the understand that there is nothing wrong with growing deep. That there is more to life than just growing up. There is more to life than your job and your spouse and your own little world. That when a small tree is cut down, if the roots hold steady... it will grow again.

"The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;
13 planted in the house of the Lord,
they will flourish in the courts of our God.
14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green,
15 proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;
he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."

[Psalm 92:12-15]


I want that out youth would take this scripture and run with it. To plant themselves in the Lord's house. To grow and focus on an inward man and stop worrying about the outward. Hes dead anyway.

Giving honor where honor is due

Sometimes in all the hustle and bustle of life we don't stop long enough to really appreciate the blessings and the opportunities that have placed us where we are. We take for granted sometimes in our pride the true humbleness of our very place in life. So, for a moment, I just want to stop and say how blessed I have been by first the evangelism and outreach of Timothy Roy Durr and the ministry Elevate Generation Church that brought me to my Father's house. How blessed I was to walk into the preaching of Pastor's Glen Johnson and Seth Trenda who strengthened my faith the moment I set foot in Faith Center Church. The practical and authentic teaching I have received in the past 3 years of my life has been key in my life choices and my walk with God. The lives, including my own that have been touched by these amazing people are countless, thank you.

If you need a place to call home, or have questions about God. Consider Faith Center Church.
http://www.faith-center.com
http://www.elevategc.com

How To Drink Water

We like to think of Christ's righteousness like water. The word is often referred to it as the waters of life. We talk about thirsting after God, but the problem is that when you're thirsty, you know you're thirsty. Its instinctive to know the feeling of not having water.

Here's were it gets cray cray. The way we view our spiritual lives is the same way we view our drinking habits. I'm a prime candidate of drinking sugary drinks in replacement of water. It tastes better. Its easier to drink, I like the taste. Its immediate. I don't drink water that often, cause there's no immediate "feel-good" to it. The irony is that a half hour after drinking my sugar-filled-death-drink I get a headache or I crash. Had I drank water, I'd be feeling awesome. Instead, I feel like crap. We do the same thing with Christ. We like the sugar filled gospel. It taste good. It feels good. It has an immediate benefit to us. The problem is that it won't sustain us. We get thirsty. We get headaches.

So you'd think it be pretty obvious, like drink water and you'll do better in the long run. Its easy for us to say "those luke warm Christians, always drinking the sugar water!" but the reality is that most people don't even realize there is water. They don't know that the thirst they feel isn't for the cheap easy christian life. They don't know its for the full sustaining and revitalizing life.

How do we fix this? Whats the remedy for our sugar-consuming christian habits? Its so simple. Teaching. You can't expect someone who doesn't know something to be accountable for that information. We as a body have to remind each other whats good for us and whats not. We have to teach each other and prove what is pleasing and acceptable. The best way to do that is to offer people water. I.E. the Word of God. I'm talking really good stuff, the deep stuff at the bottom of the well. Something with substance. When people get the taste of that... and see how it sustains them in the difficult times, they'll never go back to the sugar water. It won't be the same.

Violent

I have determined in my life, that I will serve God. When I had reached the end of my rope, with no desire to continue on. No vision for a future. No desire for anything this world had to offer. God offered me more. I remember Him offering an exchange. Give him my life and He will give me a new one. My options were fairly limited, being that we all are only given one life. So I accepted. I accepted Jesus as my Lord. Not just my savior. My master. My commander. My king. I pledged my life to build His kingdom. I've done so willingly, lovingly and freely.

More than a few times, this pledge has been tested to breaking point. I have spent many restless nights struggling with my desire to continue. I truly don't want anything in this life. I have no drive for it. No desire. There may be a fickle want. But no real desire. Nothing in this world has proven to me to be redeeming of a life lived on it, other than the Resurrection of Christ and its power to change people. To redeem them. And so, at the end of the day it is Christ that I must cling to. Nothing else can justify my existence, nothing and no one else can give me hope.

I have recently, been going through one of these bending points. Through many circumstances I have found myself in a sort of Lamentations existence. Feeling a lot like Solomon at the end of the day, that all this work and effort is simple vanity. That my efforts, to build a team, a business and myself have been in vain, without worth. You see, its easy to see the value in your work when something tangible or visible comes out of it. That work is justified by the product. However when you find your labors, which in this case were great, have produced nothing... its a shaking experience.

I remember once listening to my Pastor, Glen Johnson tell our staff about feeling like he was "leading through the swamp". How easy it is to want to give up when you're in the middle of the swamp and you're dragging everyone behind you along. As frustrating as situations like that are... that idea penetrates to my core. The idea that God would send a group or even a single person to carry His people. That he would take someone and give them influence with others, and lay a mantle of responsibility on their shoulders so great, that all those behind him depended on him. Wow. What. If. He. Gave. Up.

In this particular rough season, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have found that I am deeply wounded by two things. Dishonesty and disloyalty. Its easy for me to accept a person who doesn't like me, there are many. I don't expect people to understand me, I've never been very good at communicating it. I often choose truth over popularity. I say things people don't want to hear. Its not hard to find a reason to dislike me. I can handle that. Its understandable to me. However, to be dishonest... that's a hard pill to swallow. The problem with dishonesty is that it causes us to question the legitimacy of others actions and words. It makes them hallow. In the same since, I can understand people who don't rout in my corner. Everyone has different allegiances and affiliations. Everyone has their favorite team or favorite person. I don't expect to be everyone's favorite, no one should, its unhealthy. However Its difficult to understand people who will rout in your corner one day, and leave you to fall another. And so when I find people are dishonest with me or disloyal... that relationship becomes hallow. Empty.

This, I truly fear is one of my most terrible flaws. Its difficult to have forgiveness for me in these areas. Its difficult to forget. I have had to stretch myself, push harder, try harder to truly let go over wrongs like this.

I have also learned that I have allowed these vulnerabilities and wounds to incapacitate me. I have, in these instances become worthless. Unable to either act or care. My desires for God's kingdom becomes overwhelmed with my lack of desire to deal with this world. It isn't worth it. Not without God. I become distant from Him.

I have found in myself that it is necessarily in these times, when things get rough and I want to just quit... everything... that I become violent. That I forcefully push foreword. Its in these times that my efforts are most needed. That my strength is most tested. I have never been very good at quitting anything, I have always found that where others have given up that I always have a little bit extra to push through. Often despite knowing that I could go further, push harder, get through... that I have purposely slowed down, slacked. Given way. I have measured myself up against others and allowed their best to dictate my best. I don't want to just be average though. I don't want to stand before Christ and say that measured against another man I have given more, tried harder. I have my own potential. My own strength that Christ has given me. When I stand before His throne, I have to answer to my measuring up against that potential.

And so, despite this weakness and failure, I have decided to push on. There are many areas of my life that need work, many that require my attention. Instead of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by these challenges, I have made the choice to push through them, because I know that I have the strength to do it and I believer the Word that was set before me saying it is worth it. So I set myself violently against the obstacles both in this world and in myself.

Today I Had The Most Beautiful Farewell...

Today I had the privilege of seeing my Grandmother buried.

My Grandmother was a key character in my life. She instilled in me an honesty and an integrity which I can owe no other. I would not be the man I am today without her love and care. I think back now on a time when my sister and I were fighting, I was a very insecure young 14 year old boy. My sisters used to call me a fag and a fairy and pretty much any un-masculine thing they could think of. They would attack my identity at its core and they never held back blows. My father taught me to treat women with respect. I was never allowed to raise my hand, never allowed to use my aggression against a girl. However words were something he often abused. So finally after an onslaught of verbal abuse I finally screamed back at her some of the most hurtful things one could ever say about a girl. I remember her turning and literally running off crying. I had finally beaten her at her own game. Then my Grandmother, who rarely left her room came out. She had hear the whole conversation. I can still see her vividly in her psychedelic robe...
"Are you happy with yourself?" She asked. I didn't reply... I wasn't.
"She said worse things to me!" I finally replied.
"It doesn't matter." She relied before I could finish my sentence. She proceeded to read me the riot act. I was furious. It was unfair. Why was I in trouble when she had said the terrible things she had said... it was more than a year before I finally understood what she was trying to teach me. Two wrongs don't make a right. I always believed that... but I had never put that into context. Life altering. Suddenly I began to realize that no matter how someone made me feel... I was still responsible for my actions.

I could write books about the times in my life where this mean old woman would unfairly punish me when I wasn't the one in the wrong. Oh how I hated that. How I was offended by it. My brother would tell a boldface lied and I would tell a little fib and I'd be attacked in an instance. "Sneaky!" she called me. The audacity! When I got older however... I could do nothing but thank her. She carved character into me without me ever knowing it. What an amazing woman.

When Christ entered my life, my thoughts quickly turned to her and my father. Both whom's health was fading and who didn't know Jesus. I spent the first year of my saved life praying and lamenting over them. I remember once driving home with her... after spending the weekend with my father. She told me about a study she was going to at my Aunt Lorraine's church. She talked to me about God and asked me questions about my beliefs... she was so happy.. almost to tears when she heard my answer. GOD WAS GOOD! She had never known a good God. Only a condemning religious God... she was so excited... I didn't see her for another two years...

This Thanksgiving, her health finally began to fail. The family went to visit her. I wanted desperately to finish the conversation we had those two years ago but she wasn't in her right mind... and I got the impression my family was ready to blow up on me at the mention of Christ. I prayed all night the first night for strength to defy my family and blow them off and just ask her if she wanted to hear it. But when the opportunity arrived... it didn't seem right. She just smiled at me. I never asked... so I figured I would come up and visit another time without the family around so that we could talk, just the two of us.

After Thanksgiving we all headed home. The following Tuesday, she died.

I was mortified. The idea... of never seeing her again was crushing. It didn't hurt... I had already lamented her death long before she died because she didn't have Christ... but the reality of no Hope... was solemn.

Then when I arrived at her funeral... after the family had gathered... two women went up and shared an experience they had with her. They talked about the study she went to. About how she was "spunky" defiant. Oh boy did they know her. How intelligent she was. How strong she was. Suddenly it came to me where these women were going. Two years go, my grandmother dedicated her life to Jesus Christ. She accepted the King of Kings into her heart. Fully convinced, with a faith that would stagger my own, she faced cancer like the Lion I know she is. Peace was the result. Peace. That smile. All that time, she never told me. How could she. Our family was resentful of the entire idea of Christ. When could she have? Such few opportunities.

Now I know, that one day I will see that strong women again. A testament to my heritage  Someone who I am so proud to know I share the same blood with. I came to that funeral broken hearted and left full of excitement. Thank you Father, you are without a doubt, strong enough to save.

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
[2 Timothy 2:22]

I have strived for 3 years in an attempt to maintain purity in both my mind and body. In the society that we live, this is a fight with many causalities. It is not a fight one can take lighthearted. I have my own personal shames and failures in this fight. Yet, in spite of its difficulty and near impossible goal... I push on.

It is not some extreme source of will power or some divine mantle that has given me such a drive to fight. I have been given a very good reason to fight. I have never engaged in a relationship with a girl in which I did not place my full heart on the table. I have and I will always love people as if I will love them forever. Especially those who I had developed feelings for. I am a covenant man. I am imperfect and fail, but I never forget those who I have committed to. I have always been this way, it is a God instilled trait. It is part of my character. As Paul put it: 

"for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." 

[Romans 11:29]

Because of this, I have suffered. My poor choices and fickle heart have in the past drawn me in to my own self inflicted defeat. If I were to relate myself best to a biblical character, I think tragically I would best compare to Samson.

Before Christ entered my life, this combination brought me to the brink of despair. Incapable of functioning. It bound me. Crushed me. I had become a shell of the man who I once strived to become. My heart you see, was poisoned. I had discovered realities of this world that made life not worth living.

Fidelity was no longer chief. It was no longer established above relationships. In fact I doubted the possibility of its existence. Fidelity being the value I held most dear. Trust was gone. There was only me. Despite my unwavering loyalty and dedication to those I love. I found that it was never returned when it was most needed.

Chivalry was dead. It was no longer acceptable in our society. I could no longer throw my coat down for a lady to walk across, I could no longer open doors for ladies without being told I was a chauvinist. My strength, both mental spiritual and physical was no longer needed. Women did not want a man who protected and cared for them. What had once been seen as true manly behavior had become a twisted and tainted belief. It was dead. Women did not want to be a damsel in distress. They did not want to be saved. To be sought after. The place and the purpose that I had drawn my strength was found to be an empty crypt. 

Purity was lost. I found that despite my best efforts to maintain my purity (even before Christ's intervention in my life) it was in vain. Purity was no longer valued. It was mocked. Virginity was without value. A clean mind was without place. Things that I desperately fought for. They had become fool's gold. I had been chasing the wrong treasure. My desire for a pure relationship. A pure marriage, had become hopeless.

I found myself in a world I did not wish to be a part of. Love had been my purpose. Every goal and achievement in my life. All the knowledge and effort I had put into my mind, became suddenly worthless. My world had become pain. I had placed my heart out for the world to see, given my strength away. It came back wanting.

Then suddenly, in all that pain... when death had become a longing... like the desire to run away... like a pool of water in the desert. Desirable, promising, peaceful... a savior stepped in.

He restored me. Filled me. Held me together in the cold nights... when despite my service and loyalty... I could still feel the pain. Slowly... like a nurse ministering to a man recovering from war, he brought me back to life.

Three years, I have pursued purity. I have forsaken all relationships. I have forsaken all intimacy. I have given up any form of love that does not meet the requirements of Christ Jesus. I have decided that I will wait forever. For Fidelity. For Chivalry. For Purity. That at the end of my days if I never experience love again, the love of Christ will sustain me. I will stand alone. Forever. For the sake of what is right and true.

Because even when the world comes down on me. Even when this earthly love fails me, there is a savior who will tear apart heaven and earth if I call on His name. He is faithful to answer. He is pure and without blemish. And yet, despite the fact that I am not. He still is.

So I will flee, and I will run. I will run with the young men who have taken up the difficult fight for purity. I will pursue righteousness. Faith. Love. Peace. Because of first my God, who I owe all loyalty and faith. But also because if I can't do so for the one Christ has picked out for me, then how could I ever expect her to.

There is still Hope for Purity.

I wholly believe that there is still an obtainable purity in our minds bodies and souls. That it is not mad to believe that we can ascend beyond our flesh. That true love is made possible when purity is established above desire.

Slow To Anger...

The NIV says: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” [James 1:19] This of course being a mention of Godliness mentioned in [Psalm 145:8] “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”

I find that I am not often, but on occasion known for being rather quick to anger. I have a quick fuse and while difficult to light, the fuse is very short…

The very idea that I feel entitled to become angry at any individual is absurd. I have sinned no less than them and I have been no less selfish than others… and yet I feel anger towards others when they display selfish desires… what a strange creature the human is.

Interesting that the Psalmist there uses love as a contrast to anger. You see, it is difficult to be angry at someone you feel love towards. I find that when my heart is full of love and my mind is meditating on love, I am truly slow to anger. My patients is increased exponentially…

If we can learn to slow our speech, to slow our anger, and rather walk in love towards each other on a regular basis we find that difficulties become so much smaller. You see, I have found that long hours of patients and grace can be easily destroyed by short minutes of anger and frustration. Let us then strive my friends to first attune our hearts and our minds to our God, before ever speaking or interacting with His children.

"Have You Passed Through This Night?"

I came across this video from Explosions in the Sky. The dialogue is taken from the movie Thin Red Line. It truly speaks to the human heart and the horrors of war.

"This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed through this night?"

The True Fight For Glory

The most important and always the most difficult fights are those that are misunderstood. When the line seems to quiver... to wave... the one that forces you to be misunderstood... hated... rejected... the ones that require your life... without reward... without appreciation... without praise... it makes me wonder... did Mary count the costs of her life? Did she understand the repercussions of her choice? Or did she not even need to think about it?

How man of us are willing to bite the bullet? To forsake the Love of others in favor of your love for them? How many of us truly can take up that cross? How many of us truly understand that Jesus was not talking about a physical Martyr? That to truly take up that cross is so much more... to be misunderstood... to be forsaken... lost... forgotten...

How many of our brothers and sisters stand alone... in obedience...? Oh how harsh has our religion cut them? How deep have we betrayed their faith and love...? How diligent are their hearts? How patient are their spirits? How meek is their strength...?

Father, forgive my selfish heart and unloving tone with which I have painted a bleak life. Let the colors of your love and mercy flow freely and openly upon the canvas of my soul... let your joy and peace overtake and overwhelm me. That in time my heart might be made new.... in the image of the cross... that among the misunderstandings and rejections... that a man will arise from the ashes of a dead and broken world and that he will bear your signature... don your armor... wield your sword... and speak with your truth... that on his back he may carry your salvation to all those who are willing to receive it... unyielding... unshaken... unrelenting... uncompromising... utterly and completely sold out and purchased by your blood.

Father... I pray that you teach me to build a fortress of your heart around my own. Teach me to withstand the cold... to endure the beating winds... to resist the burning fires... to put to death that pain and sorrow in which tries to entangle and control me... to have dominance over my heart and choose to use it for the betterment of my people... my world and my God.

Body, Mind, & Soul

What is it in a man that makes him kill? Where does our rage come from? Our Pride... our Sin... where my friend, does Lust derive it's origins? What is it, in those last seconds before the final blow is dealt... before the final shot is fired... what is it that defines a man?

You see... amiss the smoke and cries... in the heat of the fight... we find out who we truly are... we find that Loyalty... honor... integrity... they are the only true weapons... that our skills are drastically overshadowed by our vision for their purpose. That when the dust settles... when the last shot is fired... and you finally win... you find that you are the real enemy. That among the blood and the death... you were its harbinger.

Let us strive my friends to fight the good fight... to conquer the body mind and soul.... let us teach them to obey. Let us discover something about ourselves... something we never knew... that fighting is more than winning... its about discovering everything about yourself...

Its about discovering... the greatest warrior who ever lived... in the end... when He could have beaten us all... he laid it all down... and paid our depts... won our victory... and exposed to us all who He really was... an in so doing... who we really are.