What I'm Counting On

I've recently been going through a season of understanding where I place my Hope. It's important that you understand what I mean by hope so I'll define it for ya.

hope
1. (n.) a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

2. (n.) a feeling of trust.

The word expectation is also important to define here.

Expectation

1. (n.) The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2. (n.) That which is expected or looked for.

3. (n.) The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank.

4. (n.) The value of any chance (as the prospect of prize or property) which depends upon some contingent event. Expectations are computed for or against the occurrence of the event.

5. (n.) The leaving of the disease principally to the efforts of nature to effect a cure.

The Biblical definition of the word Hope means to be "exceedingly expecting".


What I've realized is that I've put a LOT of hope in things I can't rely on. I think we all tend to do that though. Either its that person we like or that job we want or even that grade we want, we tend to put a lot of trust into something or someone that simply can't be depended on. It's not that that person isn't "good enough" or "reliable enough" or what have you or that you're not "smart enough" or "experienced enough" to get the job or grade that you want, its just that it's all built on sand. Things change. That is a fact. So if our hopes are constructed around something that can change then we can lose hope and that is the easiest way to wound our hearts.

Proverb 13:12 says:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

I found myself in this place where I was just so terribly heartsick by my circumstances and I couldn't help but cry out to God and ask: "What is going on?!" "Why do I feel like this?" "What am I doing wrong, Lord?!"

God brought me to this verse and it has really caused me to evaluate my hopes. 1 Peter 1:3 says:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,"

I've really had to make a conscious effort to keep my hope in Christ alone. What things am I hoping for instead of hoping in Jesus? Because those same things can be the death of my heart. Every time I hope in something that is shifting and changing I risk heart failure. I risk apathy. I risk hurt. This is huge! Because in Proverb 4:23 it says:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

BOOM! How can we expect to live a full life if our hearts, from which EVERYTHING WE DO FLOWS, are always sick?! So I was checking out John Mark McMillan's Album "Borderland" And its been the sound track to this season of my life and the song "Counting On" has become my anthem. Because quite frankly He is what I'm counting on. For my business. For my future spouse. For my breakfast every morning. For my health. For any fruit in my life. I'm just a branch sown into the Vine. I can't do anything without him, I rely solely on Him to bring life to my death.

Our Broken Cisterns

When I was in Israel a year ago, I had the privilege of visiting an old Crusader castle. It was set right

into a cliff, hanging out over the ocean. As I toured around I got the glimpse of a cistern. It wasn't what I had expected while reading the bible. It was like a well built above ground It was smashed on the side and falling apart as you would expect. Then it hit me, broken cisterns. This is what God was talking about in [Jeremiah 2:13]

“My people have committed two sins:
They have forsaken me,
the spring of living water,
and have dug their own cisterns,
broken cisterns that cannot hold water. "

Israel committed two sins.

First, they forsake God the SPRING of LIVING WATER. Let's talk about a spring for a second.

spring

1.     to rise, leap, move, or act suddenly and swiftly, as by a sudden dart or thrust forward or outward, or being suddenly released from a coiled or constrained position: to spring into the air; a tiger about to spring.
   
2.     to be released from a constrained position, as by resilient or elastic force or from the action of a spring: A trap springs. The door sprang open and in he walked.
   
3.     to issue forth suddenly, as water, blood, sparks, fire, etc. (often followed by forth, out, or up): Blood sprang from the wound.
   
4.     to come into being, rise, or arise within a short time (usually followed by up): Industries sprang up in the suburbs.
   
5.     to come into being by growth, as from a seed or germ, bulb, root, etc.; grow, as plants.
   
6.     to proceed or originate from a specific source or cause.
   
7.     to have as one's birth or lineage; be descended, as from a person, family, stock, etc.; come from: to spring from ancient aristocracy.

The root word "spring" basically means to come forth suddenly. The noun is defined as:

an issue of water from the earth, taking the form, on the surface, of a small stream or standing as a pool or small lake.

I'm not sure if you have ever seen a spring up close and personal but when I was about 9 years old I was "camping" (I use quotations because in reality we were homeless) in the national forest around Chiloquin, Oregon. At one point we camped at the headwaters of a river. It was a spring. Water literally bubbled up out of the ground with force. One of the most amazing things I've ever seen. I remember sticking my hand inside one of the springs to try and feel around. I didn't do it again because I was fairly certain I was going to get sucked in by some kind of swamp thing.

The water sprang up from the ground and formed a river. Here is something that not a lot of people know. The term "living water" is usually in reference to a river or a creek or some kind of moving water. Defined as:

Moving water, as in a stream or river, as opposed to water in a pond or pool.

The reason its called living water is in contrast to still water. Or dead water:

still water without any current.
Why? Because when water is stagnate it causes things to grow in it. Usually making the water undrinkable.  However, if the water is moving it becomes difficult for things to grow in, bacteria for example. Making fresh spring water or "living water" desirable over any other kind of water.

So, basically Israel forsakes God's moving, living, healthy, life sustaining water... for what? Man-made cisterns:

a reservoir, tank, or container for storing or holding water or other liquid.
They gave up an endless supply of fresh water to build their own cisterns to put water in. What? What the heck are you going to put in those cisterns? Are you going to fill it up with water from God's spring? No, because they forsook that thing... so where does the water come from? Even if you could find your own water supply then you have to fill it... and it becomes stagnate and dead. THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE! I mean really think about how ridicules this sounds (which is kinda God's point). But then he goes on to say that the cisterns are broken! They don't even hold water! They must have sucked at building cisterns. Or rather, if we took this for the metaphor that God is implying we suck at making our own gods.

 Let me take this to a more practical example of today. We don't really have to deal with the draw backs of cisterns these days (at least we pretend not to). Instead lets look at relationships. There are only two options for someone to make a choice like the one God's implying. First is being completely and utterly stupid. An excuse we'd like to use, no doubt. Or being utterly full of pride. We have to do it ourselves. We need to be self dependent. We don't need God. Like porn is better than a healthy marriage cause we don't have to commit to the other person. Like our being alone is better than a healthy friendship. 'Cause it's easier. Like every time we do something in our own strength or for our owns reasons other than God's because we either think He's taking too long, He ain't going to do what we want, or we've figured out something better.

But here's the kicker. The one planted right in our teeth. God says:

"What fault did your ancestors find in me, that they strayed so far from me?"

 [Jeremiah 2:5]

 It isn't just that we're choosing something over God. It's that we think SO POORLY of His plans, His designs, Him, that we give up on Him. He isn't good enough! So we've got to do this thing ourselves. His plan isn't what I want, so I'm going to do it my way. The woman/man God has picked out for me AIN'T WORTH WAITING FOR. The friends in my life AIN'T WORTH DYING OVER. The Mission He has for me AIN'T WORTH THE CROSS.

Man, if we could just get it in our heads. He is Good enough. He works ALL things together for our Good [Romans 8:28]. Trust him that the living water is going to sustain us so much longer and better than whatever we can work out for ourselves. Maybe we'd stop running into marriages and relationships that just fall apart. Maybe we'd stop ruining friendships and relationships with our leaders an pastors and submit to the process that God is trying to use to clean our act up. If we could just trust that the man or women that God is making us to be is worth being! That is everything we've ever wanted. That God isn't just setting us aside to get glory from our misery but to get glory from our perfection made possible through Christ Jesus.

My wicked black root

My whole life I've never really been known for my humility. Primarily because I've spent most of my life being put down. I found it pretty counter productive to join in on that whole band-wagon. I remember at a young age, somewhere between 5 and 6 years old, I was too afraid to ride a bicycle. I had crashed a few years before and it scared me pretty good. My father tried in vain to get me back on the horse. It didn't take. I imagine it was pretty embarrassing to his friends to have his eldest born boy, named after him, screaming like a girl whenever he put me on a bike. I know that he probably forget it moments after he made the statement but I will never forget the words he told me in frustration after the umpteenth time trying to get me to ride.

"I'm ashamed you have my name."

That wasn't easy for me to swallow. My whole life up to that point I had prided myself in my father's name. It wasn't any surprise to me though. My little brother had always been tougher than me. He didn't cry much. He was built larger than me. He was braver than me. I envied those traits. I always felt that my dad had wanted to share his name with him. To hear him say that confirmed all my fears.

Fast-forward to the 6th grade. My family was going through an extra-ordinarily difficult time. Money was tight. My dad had to work nights just to pay the rent. After a huge argument between all of my siblings I remember us sitting down for a family meeting. I have always had a pretty big mouth. I've never been very good at just letting things go. I hated inequity. I hated cruelty and I hated disrespect. All of which I'm certain I participated in. But that didn't stop me from tearing into people for it. During the meeting, my father made the statement:

"A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link."

My eldest sister turned to me and with absolute conviction said to me.

"That's you."

That was rough. I loved my sister. I loved all of my family and I'd never do anything to willing hurt them. But the truth was I had always felt like that was true anyway. So to hear it verbally spoken was devastating. Not many people can relate to the story of Gideon. I do. I come from a broken family. I am the weakest in my household.

By the time I got saved, I was jaded to put it lightly. I've spent the last four years trying to peel back the layers of my own insecurities. Desperately trying to find the wicked black root of my own pride. Trying to figure out exactly what put that chip on my shoulder that causes me to react violently to the world around me. Each time I've been able to deal with a chunk of it, it has taken the voice of a friend to do so. Someone who I both respect and I know respects me to take me aside and say "Hey, let me tell you from the heart what I'm seeing." The insight from them has been beyond value.

Something that's really bothered me lately though is how rare those occurrences are.

More than once I've been talking to someone and said something stupid or something arrogant and instead of receiving correction the person has flat out cut me down. It didn't feel real loving. It certainly didn't correct me. But it sure hurt like hell. Like... how long has you thought that about me? Why have you never said something. Why would you act like there isn't something wrong and then flip a chicken on my suddenly? What happened to edify your brothers and sister? Why don't we do that?

Don't get me wrong though, it ain't like I've never been corrected before. I am so utterly thankful to my friends and pastors who have been man or women enough to take me aside and tell me how it is. In fact three of the greatest men I know, Pastor Adam Washburn, Sean Gleasn, and Jordan Shaw have all at some time or another been man enough and respect me enough to take me aside and tell me straight up I'm being prideful.

Even still, I've got to evaluate myself. Am I man enough to do the same thing for people? I remember recently talking with one of my best friends Alex Maras and he said something that annoyed the crap out of me because I had a problem with his character and whatever he said totally reenforced what bothered me. So I cut him down. I said something sharp, it wasn't really mean. But it wasn't kind. HOW DARE I. HOW FREAKIN DARE I. That's my brother. Like not the the cute christian way or the crappy "thats my bro" way. I mean that we have bled together. We've cried together. We've gone a long way through this life together and damnit he deserves a little more respect than that.

We all do. We walk in the presence of heirs to the throne. Every day. Anointed priests and Kings. How terribly disrespectful of us to just cut them down. Shouldn't our priority, if we see something wrong, be to correct it? Why do we have to assume the person WANTS to be that way. And you know honestly, I think that's being nice. To say we "assume the person wants to be that way". Nah, we know they don't. But we don't care. That's their weakness. It justifies every negative thing we think about that person. Every slight they've made. Every er. That weakness makes them weak. We like that. What an injustice. Father I repent.

Lord, help me to have the same respect you have for me, for others. Help me to have the guts to address the hard issues. To love someone enough that when I see weakness in them, I make it my mission to build it up. To cover it. I repent of my selfish and wicked motivations that have caused me to leave many in the body weak. Give me life enough to share and love enough for all.

I'm offended at my Pastor.

I starting interning with my Youth Pastor Seth Trenda back in 2010. Just out of high school, barley knew
Christ. I was a too-smart-for-my-own-good-hungry-like-a-beast-christian. From day one I started to get involved with out media department. I did everything with excitement and with a desire to do it for God. I remember spending sleepless nights with some of my favorite people on the planet. Jordan Shaw and Sean Gleason. It was SO easy for me to follow. So easy for me to do what I was told and work hard to complete a task knowing that I did not have to come up with a strategy or a method to accomplish a ask but I trusted my Pastor knowing he had a plan to help bring youth to Christ. It was easy.

As time went on it wasn't long before I starting raising up as a leader among my peers. Suddenly things got HARD. Suddenly there were expectations of me. Suddenly I couldn't just goof off and let my Pastor handle everything.

Projects would be put in my hands to get done and I was expected to do them. Without help. Without a step by step instruction manual to get it done. I had to work harder than I had initially thought this whole church thing was. When things went wrong, it was my fault. I was in charge of the project. If people didn't get called or someone didn't show up. It was my problem. Worse than that, there was 0 appreciation for what I did. If something went awesome, no one noticed. If I helped put a service together and it went off without a hitch... no one said a word to me.

As time passed it only got worse. More and more expectations were placed on me. I couldn't date. I couldn't hang out with girls by myself. I couldn't drink. I couldn't say what I wanted to say on facebook. I couldn't argue. I couldn't get angry. I was restricted. Had to show up to every service. Had to say the right things. Had to read my bible. I had to be an example.

However what was worse than anything was getting to know my Pastor. He wasn't perfect. He wasn't the all-knowing-holy-man-with-huge-biceps that I put on the pedestal in my head. He got angry. He had unfair expectations of some people. He made mistakes. He blamed me for things I didn't do. Didn't appreciate me. He had favorites. He didn't have the answer for my problems. I didn't like his advise. I didn't like his ideas. I hated his sense of humor. For a while... I hated him.

I remember distinctly a period in my life where I just wanted to quit church. I didn't like my youth pastor. He turned out to be just like everyone else. A person. There wasn't anything special about him. There wasn't anything special about what I was doing. No one cared about what I did. It would be way too easy to just go out and do what I wanted. Date the girls I was interested in. Say the things I wanted to say. Be the person I wanted to be.

Then one dark September day our youth lost a really important young man. Gabriel Washuburn. I didn't really know the guy. I knew of him. He at one time was a prodigy in our youth department. I didn't know him. But my Pastor did. I remember driving to the hospital with Jordan Shaw... I remember all the tears... I remember seeing my entire church morn. Most of all I remember what Jordan told me he witnessed in the bedroom of my youth Pastors home. On his knees. Tears in his eyes. Heart BROKEN. My Pastor. Praying. Worshiping. Crying out to Christ.

Then it clicked. He loves us. Every face. Every young person who steps in our church. He loves them. He'd die for them. He has given up his whole life for them. Every time we screw up. It hurts him. Every time we do the wrong thing he hates it! Every time he put expectations on me it was because HE SAW something in me I DIDN'T. All these expectations on me were about leadership. Expectations he put on himself. You see I finally realized something one day. I was offended at my Youth Pastor. For being human. He demanded I shoot for something I would never reach for on my own and I resented him for it. He wanted me to succeed and fought against every thought and every attitude in my life that stood in the way of that success.

More than that I discovered something about leadership later on that year when I started working with a young man named Wright Miller. You see I need Wright. He does something special on our church. The same thing that I once did and still do for my Pastor. Wright Miller has placed himself next to me under the weight of ministry and put his back into lifting just a little bit off my shoulders. Something my Pastor has always needed. Something I have made my mission here at Faith Center Church. I aim to lift the pressure off.

Now days I love my Pastor's sense of humor. I love his attitude. I think what hes doing in Clark county is phenomenal. I ain't offended at him anymore. I thank God every day for putting a man like him in my life.

The importance of a planted tree...

While I was in Israel I had the privilege of speaking to and amazing Jewish man named Ariel. He was a brilliant gentleman who took me around and showed me some of the historical landmarks in Tel Aviv. After we took our little tour I remember standing next to him by the old train station watching some of our  party talking under a great big tree. He leaned over to me and said the most profound thing. He told me that the tree they were underneath had massive roots to hold up its weight. Twice as deep as the tree was tall. Something broke loose in my spirit as I came to a realization: my whole life I've been measure by what is seen above ground. Its easy to look at my life and sum it up by the little that is seen. In fact there are many individuals who I know, who I work with that could easily be measured in such a way... even Ariel, who did not seem like much on the surface but just a few moments with him made me see exactly how deep those roots go. Men like him, like my pastors who's roots run deep... they support a lot of weight. They carry our generation on their backs.

It makes me sad to think of these because I also see people who seem larger than life... who think they have everything so figured out and then one day the wind blows just a little too hard and the roots snap and the world sees just how shallow those roots were. I wish my generation could get to the understand that there is nothing wrong with growing deep. That there is more to life than just growing up. There is more to life than your job and your spouse and your own little world. That when a small tree is cut down, if the roots hold steady... it will grow again.

"The righteous will flourish like a palm tree,
they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon;
13 planted in the house of the Lord,
they will flourish in the courts of our God.
14 They will still bear fruit in old age,
they will stay fresh and green,
15 proclaiming, “The Lord is upright;
he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him."

[Psalm 92:12-15]


I want that out youth would take this scripture and run with it. To plant themselves in the Lord's house. To grow and focus on an inward man and stop worrying about the outward. Hes dead anyway.

Mission

Spent the last two weeks of my life with some of the most amazing people I have ever met, in the most poverty stricken places I have ever been. Two things stand apparent in my mind.

One, as an American I am highly blessed. Two, no matter where you come from and no matter how much you have... no matter what people enter or leave your life... at some point we all find ourselves broken... and we need the One who made us to save us. People need to hear that there is something worth living for and that someone out there has sent His people to find you and lead you to him.

He will never leave you without a light.

Who Can Take The Sting...

Who Can Take The Sting From Death?

Who Can Take The Sting From Loneliness?

Who Can Take The Sting From Hurt?

Who Can Take The Sting From Our Mistakes?!

This world has proven to be a place of great darkness and great light. It is although we walk along the blade’s edge… we tread the blade afraid of its sharp bite. WE slip and fall, leaving scars we’ll never forget. Sometimes we wonder why we even try… no matter how long we walk this path and no matter how careful we are… we still feel the sting of the blade. We are trapped by our mistakes… wounded by our transgressions… bled for our sins.

The hardest part is doing it alone. Though at times we are accompanied by another soul to help us along… we find the slightest slip scares them away… and so we walk the line in hopes of finding someone to walk it with us. Sometimes we are cut by those who take up our line… sometimes they leave us bleeding… sometimes they fall short…

And… when we are in the dark… and the whole world seems so far away… when death seems to creep upon our skin… when we are alone with our thoughts and our regrets we find that we never had a chance… we never would walk the whole way and we always knew it… and yet in hopes we continued on… but now there is no hope… no light… nothing to hold on to nothing to weather the night.

It is in that dark that a light begins to shine, a strength begins to manifest.

The blade is shattered…

A champion is here.

In our darkest hour, we find ourselves on our knees… in the shadow of a blood stained cross. Suddenly we find that our scars are gone and the blade no longer holds sway of our lives. You see… there on the cross rests a man whom bares our scars… and on his hands are the marks of his covenant with us… a blood bond… written in His eyes is a truth we never knew was possible… “I Have Been There. The Whole Way. I Know How Deep Your Scars Go. I Have Taken Them. I Know How Long Your Wounds Carry, I Have Bore Them. I Know How Far The Blade Stretches. I Have Ran It. For You, I Have Broken It. For You I Have Conquered It. Today, MY Love… I Have Dove Into Your Darkest Hour And Pulled You From It. Today, You Are Free To Love.

Slow To Anger...

The NIV says: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” [James 1:19] This of course being a mention of Godliness mentioned in [Psalm 145:8] “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”

I find that I am not often, but on occasion known for being rather quick to anger. I have a quick fuse and while difficult to light, the fuse is very short…

The very idea that I feel entitled to become angry at any individual is absurd. I have sinned no less than them and I have been no less selfish than others… and yet I feel anger towards others when they display selfish desires… what a strange creature the human is.

Interesting that the Psalmist there uses love as a contrast to anger. You see, it is difficult to be angry at someone you feel love towards. I find that when my heart is full of love and my mind is meditating on love, I am truly slow to anger. My patients is increased exponentially…

If we can learn to slow our speech, to slow our anger, and rather walk in love towards each other on a regular basis we find that difficulties become so much smaller. You see, I have found that long hours of patients and grace can be easily destroyed by short minutes of anger and frustration. Let us then strive my friends to first attune our hearts and our minds to our God, before ever speaking or interacting with His children.

"Have You Passed Through This Night?"

I came across this video from Explosions in the Sky. The dialogue is taken from the movie Thin Red Line. It truly speaks to the human heart and the horrors of war.

"This great evil. Where does it come from? How'd it steal into the world? What seed, what root did it grow from? Who's doin' this? Who's killin' us? Robbing us of life and light. Mockin' us with the sight of what we might've known. Does our ruin benefit the earth? Does it help the grass to grow, the sun to shine? Is this darkness in you, too? Have you passed through this night?"

The True Fight For Glory

The most important and always the most difficult fights are those that are misunderstood. When the line seems to quiver... to wave... the one that forces you to be misunderstood... hated... rejected... the ones that require your life... without reward... without appreciation... without praise... it makes me wonder... did Mary count the costs of her life? Did she understand the repercussions of her choice? Or did she not even need to think about it?

How man of us are willing to bite the bullet? To forsake the Love of others in favor of your love for them? How many of us truly can take up that cross? How many of us truly understand that Jesus was not talking about a physical Martyr? That to truly take up that cross is so much more... to be misunderstood... to be forsaken... lost... forgotten...

How many of our brothers and sisters stand alone... in obedience...? Oh how harsh has our religion cut them? How deep have we betrayed their faith and love...? How diligent are their hearts? How patient are their spirits? How meek is their strength...?

Father, forgive my selfish heart and unloving tone with which I have painted a bleak life. Let the colors of your love and mercy flow freely and openly upon the canvas of my soul... let your joy and peace overtake and overwhelm me. That in time my heart might be made new.... in the image of the cross... that among the misunderstandings and rejections... that a man will arise from the ashes of a dead and broken world and that he will bear your signature... don your armor... wield your sword... and speak with your truth... that on his back he may carry your salvation to all those who are willing to receive it... unyielding... unshaken... unrelenting... uncompromising... utterly and completely sold out and purchased by your blood.

Father... I pray that you teach me to build a fortress of your heart around my own. Teach me to withstand the cold... to endure the beating winds... to resist the burning fires... to put to death that pain and sorrow in which tries to entangle and control me... to have dominance over my heart and choose to use it for the betterment of my people... my world and my God.

Body, Mind, & Soul

What is it in a man that makes him kill? Where does our rage come from? Our Pride... our Sin... where my friend, does Lust derive it's origins? What is it, in those last seconds before the final blow is dealt... before the final shot is fired... what is it that defines a man?

You see... amiss the smoke and cries... in the heat of the fight... we find out who we truly are... we find that Loyalty... honor... integrity... they are the only true weapons... that our skills are drastically overshadowed by our vision for their purpose. That when the dust settles... when the last shot is fired... and you finally win... you find that you are the real enemy. That among the blood and the death... you were its harbinger.

Let us strive my friends to fight the good fight... to conquer the body mind and soul.... let us teach them to obey. Let us discover something about ourselves... something we never knew... that fighting is more than winning... its about discovering everything about yourself...

Its about discovering... the greatest warrior who ever lived... in the end... when He could have beaten us all... he laid it all down... and paid our depts... won our victory... and exposed to us all who He really was... an in so doing... who we really are.

The Call

Don't you understand? I hear you, through all the lies. I see you through all the walls. I can feel you through all the armor. To me, you are naked. You can try, but you can't keep out the sunlight.

Bar the windows with your shame. Barricade the doors with your failure. Hide behind the mountain of your defeat. You can not keep me away. No strong arm can hold me down. No great depth can separate me.

Stand. Fight. I have called upon my Army. To arms, raise my standard once again. Here, take my armor. Take my sword. Fight. Don't waver. Don't yield. No quarter. Never give up. With every last breath. Fight. No matter the cost. Fight.

Do you not hear the battle drums? Can you not feel their quake? It is war. Wipe away your tears. Purify yourself. He comes for you. My most beautiful prize. He comes to take you. To corrupt you. He has come for my bride. Fight.

Do you not feel it?! The knife. It slashes. It stabs. It cuts deep. Fight! These wounds. You must fight. I see the blood. I feel the breaks. Fight.

Feel my scream. Taste my anger. Let lose my fury, from the depth of your being. Fight. You are not alone. Can't you feel it?! Filling every crack. Touching every wound. I am with you. I will never leave. I would never leave. Faithful to the end.

You are my soldier. You are my knight. My champion. My image. I have made you, shaped you and armed you to carry my name. In your heart I have hidden my Words. In your soul I have left my mark. I carry your name upon my hand. I bare its bond on my back and in my blood. I purchased you from death itself. And on your shoulders I rest my righteousness. In your hands I leave my promise.
In this world I let lose my son. I let lose a man. Wondrous is he that bares my image. Fearfully he walks this earth. Wonderful is his obedience. Beautiful is his love.


Fight, my love. Fight for me.

I am your father, I am your God.

I live in you.

I Must...

The night I was introduced to Christ, was not the day that I felt His healing power. I did not know my sickness, I did not understand it. Each day I would wake up and an ache from deep inside my heart would remind me of my condition. Like a slow poison pulsing through my veins. How empty my soul felt. How lost my spirit had become.

No, it wasn't until later one night that His healing touch came to me, the night I fell to my knees and told Him that my life was His, that I no longer wished to live it. I asked Him to take it away. To remove the pain that clung to me daily, like a sore. I could feel it like a pit, sucking me inside it and swallowing me up. And emptiness that I could not fulfill, a pain that had been dug out by years of laying in the dark.

That night, something dropped. Something fell inside me. It filled me up and sealed me off. Closing the pit that had tormented me for years. It brought to me a wholeness, a sober feeling only explainable to those who once had blurry vision. The power that was released in my heart cured my illness and brought me back from the brink, to life. How amazing! How insane, the Love that was exposed to me. That night, the hands of Christ grabbed a hold of my heart and filled my scars and took my pain away. And since that night, He has never let go.

But it was not until recently that I could truly explain how simple the feeling was, what truly Christ had done for me. You see, now I no longer lay awake at night. I no longer feel the torment I once did. Now I sleep soundly knowing that I AM ABOUT MY FATHER'S BUSINESS.

Cruel Little Boy

How cruel, how harsh a man can be. What wicked and tormented part of us wishes such harm on our fellow man? What hate have we hidden in our hearts that causes such strife and wrath? What Lord, is so hidden inside me? What, makes me forget time and time again of your great love?

I cry Lord, I plea! Take it away, forgive my soul. I have sinned Lord! I have fallen! What selfishness has overcome me?! How absurd! To even ask forgiveness... Like a cruel child I have attacked your children, and yet return to you for comfort. What boldness to approach you! What arrogance to beg from you!

Why Lord, do I have these scars? Why do I bleed so bad? Who Lord knows how deep these scars go? Who Lord has seen the blood and the pain? Who can understand the tears? What man can see the suffering? The years oh God spent locked away. Whipped and tortured. Burned and cut. Steel Bars of my own foolishness held me. Isolation befriended me. Sorry overwhelmed me. The years Lord, how long they were. The scars Lord, how deep they dug.

There he stood, his words they cut. His hands they smothered. In him was accusations. Around him was death. He drew before me my very actions. He threw upon me my own inequities! He stood there and accused me. His words were true, his charges just. Every crime I committed, every Sin I drank. He brought before me past and present. "To YOU!" he cried, "they belong!" He stamped on me my title, earned in full. He broke my bones. He cut my throat. He shut me in. He locked me away. There he burned me. There he stole from me all that I held dear.

I was alone Lord, bleeding to death I cried out. Surrounded, I surrendered. Desperately the words came out, painfully they were uttered. Save Me Lord. Save me from my selfishness! Save me from my cruelty! Save me from my hate! From my lust! From my envy! Pull from me these nails. I lay there helpless, my crimes before me.

And in the darkness I felt Your great hand. You reached inside me. You touched my heart. It was then you spoke, it was there that you proclaimed to me. "I, have felt these scars. I have seen this blood. I know how deep they go, I've felt their burn. In these hands I took your nails. In these hands I bore your Sin! I have stolen your title. I have set you free!" Your hands they held me. You pulled me free, they took the flames. Your hands they dug, they burrowed in. You felt my very beating heart, and there I lay covered in your great blood. Your heart in mine. Your fire is mine. You traded me my helpless body. You traded me my failing heart.

"Here I have planted, no deeper can one go. No further can one dig. Here I plant my flowing river. Here I rest my healing hands. In your heart I whisper my Word." You stitched me up, you covered me. You set upon me your shining crown. You stamped upon me your golden seal. How precious your blood. In me grew a heart of strength. In me grew a soul of love. "I have cast away your stoney heart. I have purged away your blood stained soul.

Yet Lord, here I stand my hands in blood. My heart so hard. And yet again I see those nails. Yet again I see Your blood. And there you stand, your hands in my heart. You lips across my forehead. You take the flames, you take the nails. You heal my heart. You feel the scars, how deep they go. "I know." You assure me "I will always love you."

Hallelujah!

A Father's Love

Each of us has a different view of a Father, at least initially. It is given to us by our earthly fathers. Some are good and some are bad. Each determines our initial feeling for God, our fathers are an image of who God becomes in our minds. My Father, was not the best man. He was a terrible husband. He made many mistakes in His life and fell many times. However despite my fathers shortcomings he taught me one thing that not matter what I do in this life will never leave me. My father through all his imperfections, taught me the perfect love of a father.

There was never a time in my life I EVER questioned the love my father had for me. I knew that he would tear heaven and hell apart to protect and watch over me. I knew that he was jealous for me. I knew that he wanted the best for me. I knew that he always encouraged me. I knew that no matter what happened he was behind me and he was for me. I KNEW that no matter what happened at the end of the day when I was broken and beaten and when all hope had been ripped away form me that he, through all the tears, through his own pain and suffering, would ALWAYS be there to hold me and watch over me. Above all he taught me that though he loved me dearly, his heart constantly cried for me to love him back. That his only frustrations at me and his greatest pains rooted in my unloving actions toward him.

How blessed I am to have been in that home for so many years. All of the pain all of the hurt was worth that simple love. How valuable, how comforting it has always been, it has created in me such a reserve and faithfulness that I could never claim to be my own. How infinite our God's wisdom is to take such a man who the world deemed unworthy and through him teach such a powerful message. That no matter what our mistakes, He loves us. No matter what happens, HE LOVES US! That no matter what happens HE IS FOR US! How amazing is our God!

Today I can still say, though I have taken a different path than him and though he may not approve, I know he loves me. Moreover, I love him. In that realization I find my love for my heavenly father. I find peace in that, that if we can have such a love for each other being born of this world, how great is that love He brings to this earth.

These days I am separated from my father by a veil, I have gone past it and moved toward my heavenly father, however he is still blinded by it, trapped on the other side. I scream and I cry out to him, follow me but he can't hear me, he can't see me. He is so far from me it is unreal. In this I realize my Father's pain, that for so long I was on the other side of that veil. For so long He cried out to me and I could not hear Him. For so long He longed to bring me into His embrace but I could not feel Him. Oh God how strong and mighty you are to have such love. I pray Lord, break his bonds and show him your love. Use me Father to show him a son's love. My heart is broken for him Lord. Let him see the power of the cross and the love we both hold for him. Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and grace towards us. Amen.

Seasons

As the day comes to a close I reflect on the information presented today by our God. It is interesting to note how He will gently push us here and there and then when we feel lost he will reveal to us where we really are. This is interesting because the whole time if we would just open our eyes and seek we would quickly discover where He wishes to lead us... however I'm straying from the topic.

Between God's Word for me along with some conversations with some very influential people in my life along with an intimate prayer session with Jesus, I have come to a conclusion. Though I do not want it, I have been moved into a season of my life which requires me to do the exact opposite of my current wishes. My desires while not wrong are clearly not what God wants for me right now or will manifest in another way. Until then I will pursue His Kingdom and Seek His Righteousness. The conclusion while not what I initially expected, still brings me peace. The Word Pastor Glen Johnson brought tonight was dead on. Often we run around trying to justify or figure out what we think God's will in a given situation is, when all along we really knew what it was and were simply trying to find out own way.

That is a warning shot. We must be careful not to overlook or dismiss the voice of God and His will for us. If we do we open ourselves up for self deceit as well as the Enemy's deceit. So let us find peace in His words and trust in His good judgement no matter how much we want to resist, because in Him there is perfect peace that "...surpasses all understanding".

In this new season I find hope for future seasons, though some seasons may require that we take up our cross and step forward on faith, sacrificing our wishes and our plans. We have Hope that in the future He will bring us to a season of rest and strengthening. So while I may be gearing up for a difficult season I know that there is rest on the other side and I know that He has prepared me diligently for the quest ahead and if He is with me, none can stand against me. Amen.

The Laborer Is Worthy Of His Wages

Pride, often in our lives is our downfall. We are unable to put it aside and accept the help of others, or we are unwilling to put it down for the sake of others. It alienates us from those we love and ourselves. It puts us in a position in which we can no longer be ourselves. We gain an unrelenting fear of failure because while in pride it is all we have.

Pride has been a reoccurring theme in my life, as it is with many people. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. However, I have come to peace with my own imperfection and short comings, as they were all settled on the Cross with our Lord Jesus. Yet, I feel inadequate at times. I feel as though I am not doing enough, or that I am not doing the right thing.

My heart is and always will be for His kingdom. I strive each day to further it in whatever way I can and I submit and serve as best that I know how. However, I do not work. I have no job, except that I am employed by His kingdom.  I bring in not revenue and I save no money.

This is my inadequacy. I feel as though I should. I feel like I must work to obtain something, as though somehow if I could just get a job, if I could just gain something, that everything would be alright. I want desperately to work and gain, to show achievement, to show progress. What kind of man wouldn't want that? What kind of man would not want to provide and to give freely. And yet, in serving Him, I have found no cause for a Job. I am supported and taken care of. I am given to freely and blessed abundantly with friends and family who care so much for me.

Is it Pride or Righteousness that tugs at my heart to go out and obtain, to provide. That is a question only my heart and God can answer. Recently it has been an on going struggle to deal with this inadequacy. I have not known how to deal with it. Should I drop what I am doing and get a job? Is that Biblical and Righteous? Or is it Pride and selfishness? In this search, deep into my heart and in the spirit of God I came to a revelation. My Father, God lead me to Luke 10:7 "And remain in the same house, eating and drinking such things as they give, for the laborer is worthy of his wages. Do not go from house to house."

This is the answer that my Father gave to me and the same He gives to all His servants wherever their faith is. I am worthy of my wages because I serve a just and fair God. I serve a Loving and fatherly God. Thank you Lord, for your grace and spirit of revelation and comes upon me. You change me and humble me daily, you are my rock. You are my center, my everything. Amen.

Each Work Of Art Is a Portrait Of God

Today, some of the greatest young people of God I have ever met and certainly some of my best friends and closest brothers are off to preach to the nations! God has called them to the Philippines, lead by our amazing youth pastor into a broken land crying out for a touch from God. Their mission is honorable and absolutely amazing. I am so proud of them, inspired to new heights. However even with this great opportunity to share the love of our Father, I find myself torn and a little broken by their departure.I must ask myself, why Lord is it that my heart is broken at the separation of my brothers and sisters. What is it father that bonds each of us, so close together...

I read once, that every work of art is a self portrait. If this is true then truly I have seen the face of God. In each one of His children I have seen a piece of Him, a little part of Him revealed through His beautiful works of art. In each of the amazing men and women of God, now on their way to the Philippines rests a little piece of my God. I can not help but miss each of them because in each of them, I miss my God. His correction and words of Wisdom, His father like and mentoring spirit, His compassion and love for His children, His joy and heart for all man kind. His genuine care for the individual. All shown, all set on display for the world to see, in his unique and hand crafted works of art.

Through this revelation of our God I have discovered that the only way to truly see our God is to see each other, to know them and recognize Christ in them, to truly seek after the little piece of God He hid inside them, so perfect and flawless. I know that no matter how I try, I could never know my God without knowing His children. In that I find peace and hope, because there are many of His children and I know only a fraction of a fraction. Praise you God for your love and mercy. I love you God and in turn I love each of your pieces of creation.

These Hands

These hands are for the broken hearted, for the empty handed, for the lost and confused. These hands bring peace, these hands bring healing, these hands bring life, these hands are strength to weary bones. These hands carry fire, these hands consume guilt. These hands break strongholds. These hands are strong and mighty. these hands do not fail. These hands always love. These hands beckon joy. These hands carry hope. These Hands are not my own. These hands belong to you.

When all seems lost and hope is gone, when life is absent and death is present. These hands will carry, these hands will hold. When hearts are broken and men have failed, when the walls are too high and the steel is too strong, these hands will break these hands will bend. When you're all alone and light is fading, when you're broken down without words, these hands will heal these hands will bind.

These hands have been consumed. These hands have been crucified. These hands no longer bare my will. These hands no longer bleed my blood. These hands are His, these hands are life. These hands are Christ's, they will conquer, they will prosper.

I Bear Witness

We are the witnesses today of what will be written in decades to come. We will be the ones who must write and explain to our descendants why we chose to make the choices we have made. It is our responsibility and our burden to remember these days. Another century gone by, another hundred years of human struggle. It is our responsibility to remember the great accomplishments of our day, and the great sadness. We must remember each birth and each death of each day.

Today I will attend the memorial of a righteous man of God. Not because he had obtained in his life some form of righteousness through his good deeds or good behavior, but through his faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. A man who's love for Christ compelled him to action, a man who's obedience to God set in motion life changing events. Gabriel Washburn discipled two of the greatest men of God I have ever met in my life, who's anointing is clear and the hand of God is vividly evident in every aspect of their lives. His obedience and guidance pulled them into a love and strength that even unto his death could not be shaken.

I stand in awe of the love of God. I new very little about Gabriel, my experiences with him are few and far between. I did not have the privileged to be discipled by such a man. However the fruit of his labor grows around me each day, it would be hard to go a day without remembering his life. I once read that true fruit is shown through your spiritual grandchildren. I know now that is what I am. Through Gabe's discipleship of Sean Gleason and Jordan Shaw, I too have been discipled by them. Brought in to the revelation and love of our God. I am so blessed to be a part of such a strong and spiritual lineage.

Now I bear witness of the death of such a great man, taken early from his calling by the thorns of Satan. Brought low by the power of condemnation and shame. It is a striking reminder that we all must answer to our convictions, that we must stand strong in our faith for one another. It is a reminder that we must all be open and accepting of one another's faults as not to put each other to shame. Most importantly it is a realization of the power of the individual. That one man can effect so many lives, so directly and indirectly.

So as we celebrate the life of God's son. Let us be compelled to be more like him. Let us walk out the anointing he was called to. We will use his death as a reminder of how we should live. Let his death bring to us grace and love for all those around us. We praise you God and thank you for your grace and love in our lives. Amen.