A Father's Love

Each of us has a different view of a Father, at least initially. It is given to us by our earthly fathers. Some are good and some are bad. Each determines our initial feeling for God, our fathers are an image of who God becomes in our minds. My Father, was not the best man. He was a terrible husband. He made many mistakes in His life and fell many times. However despite my fathers shortcomings he taught me one thing that not matter what I do in this life will never leave me. My father through all his imperfections, taught me the perfect love of a father.

There was never a time in my life I EVER questioned the love my father had for me. I knew that he would tear heaven and hell apart to protect and watch over me. I knew that he was jealous for me. I knew that he wanted the best for me. I knew that he always encouraged me. I knew that no matter what happened he was behind me and he was for me. I KNEW that no matter what happened at the end of the day when I was broken and beaten and when all hope had been ripped away form me that he, through all the tears, through his own pain and suffering, would ALWAYS be there to hold me and watch over me. Above all he taught me that though he loved me dearly, his heart constantly cried for me to love him back. That his only frustrations at me and his greatest pains rooted in my unloving actions toward him.

How blessed I am to have been in that home for so many years. All of the pain all of the hurt was worth that simple love. How valuable, how comforting it has always been, it has created in me such a reserve and faithfulness that I could never claim to be my own. How infinite our God's wisdom is to take such a man who the world deemed unworthy and through him teach such a powerful message. That no matter what our mistakes, He loves us. No matter what happens, HE LOVES US! That no matter what happens HE IS FOR US! How amazing is our God!

Today I can still say, though I have taken a different path than him and though he may not approve, I know he loves me. Moreover, I love him. In that realization I find my love for my heavenly father. I find peace in that, that if we can have such a love for each other being born of this world, how great is that love He brings to this earth.

These days I am separated from my father by a veil, I have gone past it and moved toward my heavenly father, however he is still blinded by it, trapped on the other side. I scream and I cry out to him, follow me but he can't hear me, he can't see me. He is so far from me it is unreal. In this I realize my Father's pain, that for so long I was on the other side of that veil. For so long He cried out to me and I could not hear Him. For so long He longed to bring me into His embrace but I could not feel Him. Oh God how strong and mighty you are to have such love. I pray Lord, break his bonds and show him your love. Use me Father to show him a son's love. My heart is broken for him Lord. Let him see the power of the cross and the love we both hold for him. Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice and grace towards us. Amen.

Crimson Grace

I find that each night as I lay in bed that there are a billion things that I have failed at. Each day I grieve the spirit in some way. Each day I fall short in some way, however insignificant to me or the world. Each day I find that the only thing that catches me when I slip is the grace, so undeserved and unearned.

My selfish pride puts me in situations that I should not be in. It brings words and thoughts to my mouth that I know are sharp and hurtful. It repels me from those that I love and creates friction between me and the ones who truly need me. One of the most loyal and caring kids I have ever met, Dakota Durr, has shown over and over that he is a true friend with a love that does not hinged on what I can do for him. Yet I push away form him and am almost offended by his naive attitude. How ridicules to think that I am better than he because he sees the good in people who I would never give a second glance. How humbling it is to see a young man like him so much more mature than me in ways that are years beyond me.

My lust for my own selfish desires that goes beyond just a lust of the flesh but of the mind and of glory and of entertainment. It brings a lazy and self centered attitude to me. I can spend hours a lot on a game but won't spend 20 minutes to minister to a friend. How absurd to assume that I am doing everything right. How arrogant to believe that I deserve to be greater. What I deserve is to be humbled. To be placed where everyone can see my weaknesses and taunt me. I deserved to be ashamed. I deserve to be left alone. The solitude that I have earned. What I deserve is a cross. And yet here I am, humbly covered in the crimson grace of Jesus Christ. Here I am desperately holding onto the hand of the Father. Here I am on my knees thanking God for the mercy I don't deserve.

How great is my God?! How much love He has for me! How amazing His grace is! How enormous is his sacrifice for me! Its unbelievable! He allows me each day despite my failures to rest in peace and joy. He allows me to wake each day unashamed and without condemnation. For that I give him my rusty, worthless crown. I lay it at His feet. Take it O' Lord. It weighs more than its worth. It makes my head heavy and my sight blurry. Thank you God for this joy, thank you for this power that flows through me to reach those around me, even though I do not deserve it you allow me each day to be your instrument. Each day you open opportunities for me. Each day you correct me in my ways, patiently, lovingly.

Thank you God for your crimson grace.