What I'm Counting On

I've recently been going through a season of understanding where I place my Hope. It's important that you understand what I mean by hope so I'll define it for ya.

hope
1. (n.) a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

2. (n.) a feeling of trust.

The word expectation is also important to define here.

Expectation

1. (n.) The act or state of expecting or looking forward to an event as about to happen.
2. (n.) That which is expected or looked for.

3. (n.) The prospect of the future; grounds upon which something excellent is expected to happen; prospect of anything good to come, esp. of property or rank.

4. (n.) The value of any chance (as the prospect of prize or property) which depends upon some contingent event. Expectations are computed for or against the occurrence of the event.

5. (n.) The leaving of the disease principally to the efforts of nature to effect a cure.

The Biblical definition of the word Hope means to be "exceedingly expecting".


What I've realized is that I've put a LOT of hope in things I can't rely on. I think we all tend to do that though. Either its that person we like or that job we want or even that grade we want, we tend to put a lot of trust into something or someone that simply can't be depended on. It's not that that person isn't "good enough" or "reliable enough" or what have you or that you're not "smart enough" or "experienced enough" to get the job or grade that you want, its just that it's all built on sand. Things change. That is a fact. So if our hopes are constructed around something that can change then we can lose hope and that is the easiest way to wound our hearts.

Proverb 13:12 says:

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.

I found myself in this place where I was just so terribly heartsick by my circumstances and I couldn't help but cry out to God and ask: "What is going on?!" "Why do I feel like this?" "What am I doing wrong, Lord?!"

God brought me to this verse and it has really caused me to evaluate my hopes. 1 Peter 1:3 says:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,"

I've really had to make a conscious effort to keep my hope in Christ alone. What things am I hoping for instead of hoping in Jesus? Because those same things can be the death of my heart. Every time I hope in something that is shifting and changing I risk heart failure. I risk apathy. I risk hurt. This is huge! Because in Proverb 4:23 it says:

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

BOOM! How can we expect to live a full life if our hearts, from which EVERYTHING WE DO FLOWS, are always sick?! So I was checking out John Mark McMillan's Album "Borderland" And its been the sound track to this season of my life and the song "Counting On" has become my anthem. Because quite frankly He is what I'm counting on. For my business. For my future spouse. For my breakfast every morning. For my health. For any fruit in my life. I'm just a branch sown into the Vine. I can't do anything without him, I rely solely on Him to bring life to my death.

I'm offended at my Pastor.

I starting interning with my Youth Pastor Seth Trenda back in 2010. Just out of high school, barley knew
Christ. I was a too-smart-for-my-own-good-hungry-like-a-beast-christian. From day one I started to get involved with out media department. I did everything with excitement and with a desire to do it for God. I remember spending sleepless nights with some of my favorite people on the planet. Jordan Shaw and Sean Gleason. It was SO easy for me to follow. So easy for me to do what I was told and work hard to complete a task knowing that I did not have to come up with a strategy or a method to accomplish a ask but I trusted my Pastor knowing he had a plan to help bring youth to Christ. It was easy.

As time went on it wasn't long before I starting raising up as a leader among my peers. Suddenly things got HARD. Suddenly there were expectations of me. Suddenly I couldn't just goof off and let my Pastor handle everything.

Projects would be put in my hands to get done and I was expected to do them. Without help. Without a step by step instruction manual to get it done. I had to work harder than I had initially thought this whole church thing was. When things went wrong, it was my fault. I was in charge of the project. If people didn't get called or someone didn't show up. It was my problem. Worse than that, there was 0 appreciation for what I did. If something went awesome, no one noticed. If I helped put a service together and it went off without a hitch... no one said a word to me.

As time passed it only got worse. More and more expectations were placed on me. I couldn't date. I couldn't hang out with girls by myself. I couldn't drink. I couldn't say what I wanted to say on facebook. I couldn't argue. I couldn't get angry. I was restricted. Had to show up to every service. Had to say the right things. Had to read my bible. I had to be an example.

However what was worse than anything was getting to know my Pastor. He wasn't perfect. He wasn't the all-knowing-holy-man-with-huge-biceps that I put on the pedestal in my head. He got angry. He had unfair expectations of some people. He made mistakes. He blamed me for things I didn't do. Didn't appreciate me. He had favorites. He didn't have the answer for my problems. I didn't like his advise. I didn't like his ideas. I hated his sense of humor. For a while... I hated him.

I remember distinctly a period in my life where I just wanted to quit church. I didn't like my youth pastor. He turned out to be just like everyone else. A person. There wasn't anything special about him. There wasn't anything special about what I was doing. No one cared about what I did. It would be way too easy to just go out and do what I wanted. Date the girls I was interested in. Say the things I wanted to say. Be the person I wanted to be.

Then one dark September day our youth lost a really important young man. Gabriel Washuburn. I didn't really know the guy. I knew of him. He at one time was a prodigy in our youth department. I didn't know him. But my Pastor did. I remember driving to the hospital with Jordan Shaw... I remember all the tears... I remember seeing my entire church morn. Most of all I remember what Jordan told me he witnessed in the bedroom of my youth Pastors home. On his knees. Tears in his eyes. Heart BROKEN. My Pastor. Praying. Worshiping. Crying out to Christ.

Then it clicked. He loves us. Every face. Every young person who steps in our church. He loves them. He'd die for them. He has given up his whole life for them. Every time we screw up. It hurts him. Every time we do the wrong thing he hates it! Every time he put expectations on me it was because HE SAW something in me I DIDN'T. All these expectations on me were about leadership. Expectations he put on himself. You see I finally realized something one day. I was offended at my Youth Pastor. For being human. He demanded I shoot for something I would never reach for on my own and I resented him for it. He wanted me to succeed and fought against every thought and every attitude in my life that stood in the way of that success.

More than that I discovered something about leadership later on that year when I started working with a young man named Wright Miller. You see I need Wright. He does something special on our church. The same thing that I once did and still do for my Pastor. Wright Miller has placed himself next to me under the weight of ministry and put his back into lifting just a little bit off my shoulders. Something my Pastor has always needed. Something I have made my mission here at Faith Center Church. I aim to lift the pressure off.

Now days I love my Pastor's sense of humor. I love his attitude. I think what hes doing in Clark county is phenomenal. I ain't offended at him anymore. I thank God every day for putting a man like him in my life.

Anchored Vessels

Like a buoy I have Anchored you along my great shores. With steel chains I have tethered you to many vessels. Each ship has gone its long journey. Each one full of holes and broken down. The moon rises and with it the tide. The ships fight to tread the water. As the light fades across the horizon the waters begin to storm. The great black pulls the ships into the void. The chains tense and pull upon your very core. Though calamity seems to consume you, one thing remains. I anchor you upon my shore. I will not let you go. With you I will pull from the depths of the black all the ships of the sea. With you, through me, they WILL tread the black.

The Laborer Is Worthy Of His Wages

Pride, often in our lives is our downfall. We are unable to put it aside and accept the help of others, or we are unwilling to put it down for the sake of others. It alienates us from those we love and ourselves. It puts us in a position in which we can no longer be ourselves. We gain an unrelenting fear of failure because while in pride it is all we have.

Pride has been a reoccurring theme in my life, as it is with many people. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis. However, I have come to peace with my own imperfection and short comings, as they were all settled on the Cross with our Lord Jesus. Yet, I feel inadequate at times. I feel as though I am not doing enough, or that I am not doing the right thing.

My heart is and always will be for His kingdom. I strive each day to further it in whatever way I can and I submit and serve as best that I know how. However, I do not work. I have no job, except that I am employed by His kingdom.  I bring in not revenue and I save no money.

This is my inadequacy. I feel as though I should. I feel like I must work to obtain something, as though somehow if I could just get a job, if I could just gain something, that everything would be alright. I want desperately to work and gain, to show achievement, to show progress. What kind of man wouldn't want that? What kind of man would not want to provide and to give freely. And yet, in serving Him, I have found no cause for a Job. I am supported and taken care of. I am given to freely and blessed abundantly with friends and family who care so much for me.

Is it Pride or Righteousness that tugs at my heart to go out and obtain, to provide. That is a question only my heart and God can answer. Recently it has been an on going struggle to deal with this inadequacy. I have not known how to deal with it. Should I drop what I am doing and get a job? Is that Biblical and Righteous? Or is it Pride and selfishness? In this search, deep into my heart and in the spirit of God I came to a revelation. My Father, God lead me to Luke 10:7 "And remain in the same house, eating and drinking such things as they give, for the laborer is worthy of his wages. Do not go from house to house."

This is the answer that my Father gave to me and the same He gives to all His servants wherever their faith is. I am worthy of my wages because I serve a just and fair God. I serve a Loving and fatherly God. Thank you Lord, for your grace and spirit of revelation and comes upon me. You change me and humble me daily, you are my rock. You are my center, my everything. Amen.