The Human Heart

The human heart has always puzzled me. As I have gone through the Bible I've gotten a rough glimpse at it from the outside looking in. It causes us often to chase after things we never needed and sometimes it hardens against the one thing we do. It has often lead us astray and away from our true love. Its often called fickle.

However, once in a while it aspires to greatness. Now and then it causes a man or woman to rise to action. To do the unthinkable. It dismisses fear. It breaks apart even the most terrible of circumstances and causes us to overcome things we would never have thought possible. Above all it has caused us to be moved with compassion. It causes us to love.

It's a tool, like a compass when we are lost in the thick woods. Like the bright north star when we're lost at sea. It guides us forward. The difference between our demise and our salvation lies in how we gauge it. How we interpret it. The north star is useless if you don't know it points north.

We must learn to do what David did. We must learn to use God as our North. If we learn to line our hearts up to Him, we'll find it leads us straight into his warm embrace. What more could we want? What more does this world have to offer than the Father's love? What else would I heart desire. The problem is our hearts get all off focus, they lose their gauge and they run a muck looking for that love.

Father, teach me. Guide me. Watch over me and above all else, guard my heart. Its fickle and untrained, but it desperate desires you. Teach me to find a woman after you heart. To surround myself with those who run for you. Let my fickle heart let go of things that hurt me and to grab a hold of your trail and guide me home.

Because He Loves You So Much...

Every time I look at this image, it breaks my heart. A picture of a lion and a little kid reaching out to one another but separated by glass. Realistically this lion may want to eat the little girl as a snack (joking) but symbolically there is something profound I find here.

I grew up without a mother. I never had someone to hold me when I was crying or to teach me the compassion and heart of a women. There are many experiences and life lessons that I spent a great deal of time without. However one thing that I did not miss out on, was the love of a father.

I never had to wonder if someone loved me. I never had to wonder if someone would protect me, if they could protect me. I knew that if anything ever tried to come between my father and I, he would tear it apart. I was always proud of my father. Even in his alcoholism, I never once doubted his love or ability to take care of me. He has a felony to prove it.

When God was introduced into my life, it became overly apparent that He held those same characteristics as my father did. Loving, protective, jealous for me. As I contemplated my time in life without God, I began to get a picture like this one in my mind. God says Himself, that He will never leave us, so He must have always been there... right?! So what... what could keep Him from us?! A veil. Revelation. All that time... He was just sitting there, patiently... desperately... jealously. Waiting for me to look on the other side of it. Waiting to rip the only thing separating us apart.

That's how much He loves us.

The very idea that God is just waiting on us... waiting... trying send a message through that glass house. Unable to speak to us... because we are so unwilling to listen... unwilling to believe the truth. That He's always been there. That He never abandoned us.

I get this picture in my mind of a little kid trapped in a dark dark room. Filled with hate. Filled with hopelessness. Assaulted and hurt by the evil that occupies the room. The only door to the room is made from solid wood. Worn down by years of pounding and banging... scratching... trying to get out. Screams can be heard inside the room... crying... sobbing...

On the other side of the door sits a man. A father. He hears the cries of his child. With each yelp and scream he pounds harder on the door. Like the beat of a drum, without pause and without relent. Desperately trying to break down the door. Unable to open it from the outside.

The words shoot violently from His mouth.
"Unlock the door!"

He never gives up. He never walks away. Because He Loves You So Much...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
[2 Timothy 2:22]

I have strived for 3 years in an attempt to maintain purity in both my mind and body. In the society that we live, this is a fight with many causalities. It is not a fight one can take lighthearted. I have my own personal shames and failures in this fight. Yet, in spite of its difficulty and near impossible goal... I push on.

It is not some extreme source of will power or some divine mantle that has given me such a drive to fight. I have been given a very good reason to fight. I have never engaged in a relationship with a girl in which I did not place my full heart on the table. I have and I will always love people as if I will love them forever. Especially those who I had developed feelings for. I am a covenant man. I am imperfect and fail, but I never forget those who I have committed to. I have always been this way, it is a God instilled trait. It is part of my character. As Paul put it: 

"for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." 

[Romans 11:29]

Because of this, I have suffered. My poor choices and fickle heart have in the past drawn me in to my own self inflicted defeat. If I were to relate myself best to a biblical character, I think tragically I would best compare to Samson.

Before Christ entered my life, this combination brought me to the brink of despair. Incapable of functioning. It bound me. Crushed me. I had become a shell of the man who I once strived to become. My heart you see, was poisoned. I had discovered realities of this world that made life not worth living.

Fidelity was no longer chief. It was no longer established above relationships. In fact I doubted the possibility of its existence. Fidelity being the value I held most dear. Trust was gone. There was only me. Despite my unwavering loyalty and dedication to those I love. I found that it was never returned when it was most needed.

Chivalry was dead. It was no longer acceptable in our society. I could no longer throw my coat down for a lady to walk across, I could no longer open doors for ladies without being told I was a chauvinist. My strength, both mental spiritual and physical was no longer needed. Women did not want a man who protected and cared for them. What had once been seen as true manly behavior had become a twisted and tainted belief. It was dead. Women did not want to be a damsel in distress. They did not want to be saved. To be sought after. The place and the purpose that I had drawn my strength was found to be an empty crypt. 

Purity was lost. I found that despite my best efforts to maintain my purity (even before Christ's intervention in my life) it was in vain. Purity was no longer valued. It was mocked. Virginity was without value. A clean mind was without place. Things that I desperately fought for. They had become fool's gold. I had been chasing the wrong treasure. My desire for a pure relationship. A pure marriage, had become hopeless.

I found myself in a world I did not wish to be a part of. Love had been my purpose. Every goal and achievement in my life. All the knowledge and effort I had put into my mind, became suddenly worthless. My world had become pain. I had placed my heart out for the world to see, given my strength away. It came back wanting.

Then suddenly, in all that pain... when death had become a longing... like the desire to run away... like a pool of water in the desert. Desirable, promising, peaceful... a savior stepped in.

He restored me. Filled me. Held me together in the cold nights... when despite my service and loyalty... I could still feel the pain. Slowly... like a nurse ministering to a man recovering from war, he brought me back to life.

Three years, I have pursued purity. I have forsaken all relationships. I have forsaken all intimacy. I have given up any form of love that does not meet the requirements of Christ Jesus. I have decided that I will wait forever. For Fidelity. For Chivalry. For Purity. That at the end of my days if I never experience love again, the love of Christ will sustain me. I will stand alone. Forever. For the sake of what is right and true.

Because even when the world comes down on me. Even when this earthly love fails me, there is a savior who will tear apart heaven and earth if I call on His name. He is faithful to answer. He is pure and without blemish. And yet, despite the fact that I am not. He still is.

So I will flee, and I will run. I will run with the young men who have taken up the difficult fight for purity. I will pursue righteousness. Faith. Love. Peace. Because of first my God, who I owe all loyalty and faith. But also because if I can't do so for the one Christ has picked out for me, then how could I ever expect her to.

There is still Hope for Purity.

I wholly believe that there is still an obtainable purity in our minds bodies and souls. That it is not mad to believe that we can ascend beyond our flesh. That true love is made possible when purity is established above desire.

Who Can Take The Sting...

Who Can Take The Sting From Death?

Who Can Take The Sting From Loneliness?

Who Can Take The Sting From Hurt?

Who Can Take The Sting From Our Mistakes?!

This world has proven to be a place of great darkness and great light. It is although we walk along the blade’s edge… we tread the blade afraid of its sharp bite. WE slip and fall, leaving scars we’ll never forget. Sometimes we wonder why we even try… no matter how long we walk this path and no matter how careful we are… we still feel the sting of the blade. We are trapped by our mistakes… wounded by our transgressions… bled for our sins.

The hardest part is doing it alone. Though at times we are accompanied by another soul to help us along… we find the slightest slip scares them away… and so we walk the line in hopes of finding someone to walk it with us. Sometimes we are cut by those who take up our line… sometimes they leave us bleeding… sometimes they fall short…

And… when we are in the dark… and the whole world seems so far away… when death seems to creep upon our skin… when we are alone with our thoughts and our regrets we find that we never had a chance… we never would walk the whole way and we always knew it… and yet in hopes we continued on… but now there is no hope… no light… nothing to hold on to nothing to weather the night.

It is in that dark that a light begins to shine, a strength begins to manifest.

The blade is shattered…

A champion is here.

In our darkest hour, we find ourselves on our knees… in the shadow of a blood stained cross. Suddenly we find that our scars are gone and the blade no longer holds sway of our lives. You see… there on the cross rests a man whom bares our scars… and on his hands are the marks of his covenant with us… a blood bond… written in His eyes is a truth we never knew was possible… “I Have Been There. The Whole Way. I Know How Deep Your Scars Go. I Have Taken Them. I Know How Long Your Wounds Carry, I Have Bore Them. I Know How Far The Blade Stretches. I Have Ran It. For You, I Have Broken It. For You I Have Conquered It. Today, MY Love… I Have Dove Into Your Darkest Hour And Pulled You From It. Today, You Are Free To Love.

Slow To Anger...

The NIV says: “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” [James 1:19] This of course being a mention of Godliness mentioned in [Psalm 145:8] “The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love.”

I find that I am not often, but on occasion known for being rather quick to anger. I have a quick fuse and while difficult to light, the fuse is very short…

The very idea that I feel entitled to become angry at any individual is absurd. I have sinned no less than them and I have been no less selfish than others… and yet I feel anger towards others when they display selfish desires… what a strange creature the human is.

Interesting that the Psalmist there uses love as a contrast to anger. You see, it is difficult to be angry at someone you feel love towards. I find that when my heart is full of love and my mind is meditating on love, I am truly slow to anger. My patients is increased exponentially…

If we can learn to slow our speech, to slow our anger, and rather walk in love towards each other on a regular basis we find that difficulties become so much smaller. You see, I have found that long hours of patients and grace can be easily destroyed by short minutes of anger and frustration. Let us then strive my friends to first attune our hearts and our minds to our God, before ever speaking or interacting with His children.

Solitude, His Peace.

It is in the darkest hours of the night that I find peace. When everything and everyone else is covered in darkness it is easier to find Him. I feel as though I'm back in the Garden, walking in His presence. There is a peace and a wholeness when I am alone with just Him...

In life I find many struggles and difficulties, primarily in myself. There is turmoil and unrest in my soul. On one hand I rebel and fight the immense difficulty and expectations of my King. I disdain His presence and wish only to be free from what seems an unfair imprisonment.

On the other hand, I am His righteous servant. I give my life up for the His glorious will. I bow before His crown and see the justice of His being. I love His presence and I seek it constantly, I understands His expectations and I find them agreeable...

And so a civil war takes place in my soul. I am like the restless sea, constantly shifting and turning in the night... gaining and receding... the tide of my heart ever so changing.

I am both the Monster in the woods and the Knight whom slays him... when the black overwhelms me all of the struggle passes away and my soul finds peace, the King's presence demands peace. Both sides throw down arms and submit to His righteous decree, knees bowed they give over their struggle in the hope of true peace.

And so... in this night my heart is made still... through all the worry and all the pain I find His love breaks through to the sunrise. You see, when we are alone... that is when we find that the enemy we're fighting has always been ourselves.

I Must...

The night I was introduced to Christ, was not the day that I felt His healing power. I did not know my sickness, I did not understand it. Each day I would wake up and an ache from deep inside my heart would remind me of my condition. Like a slow poison pulsing through my veins. How empty my soul felt. How lost my spirit had become.

No, it wasn't until later one night that His healing touch came to me, the night I fell to my knees and told Him that my life was His, that I no longer wished to live it. I asked Him to take it away. To remove the pain that clung to me daily, like a sore. I could feel it like a pit, sucking me inside it and swallowing me up. And emptiness that I could not fulfill, a pain that had been dug out by years of laying in the dark.

That night, something dropped. Something fell inside me. It filled me up and sealed me off. Closing the pit that had tormented me for years. It brought to me a wholeness, a sober feeling only explainable to those who once had blurry vision. The power that was released in my heart cured my illness and brought me back from the brink, to life. How amazing! How insane, the Love that was exposed to me. That night, the hands of Christ grabbed a hold of my heart and filled my scars and took my pain away. And since that night, He has never let go.

But it was not until recently that I could truly explain how simple the feeling was, what truly Christ had done for me. You see, now I no longer lay awake at night. I no longer feel the torment I once did. Now I sleep soundly knowing that I AM ABOUT MY FATHER'S BUSINESS.