Understanding Prosperity

I've often heard people use the phrase "dirt poor" I laugh every time. Very few people actually know what that means. Its been a long time since the people of the United States have had dirt floors. The closest thing even relatable for many is a crummy apartment building.

All of our perspectives are skewed by our experience. To some, being wealthy means having a home or going to college. To others it may be that next piece of property or a large investment paying off. But because our perspectives are skewed we tend to judge other's based off of what they do or don't have. We judge ourselves the same way. Whether its an attempt to define ourselves, prove ourselves, or just the desire to succeed... we tend to forget the point.

I was just sitting here drinking a cup of coffee doing a little reading and working on a project for my church. Not because I had to, but because it was enjoyable. It literally gives me joy. And not just a little bit of joy either. I mean there are few things in this world I enjoy more. Just sitting here in peace, working, thinking, drinking coffee. Its a truly intimate time for me. Its a time I like to pray, and discuss with God whats going on in my life, where I'm at. Suddenly it had occurred to me what Paul was talking about when he said in Philippians 4:12:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."

I was like. HEY! Things aren't that bad, why am I always so worried about the struggle! Isn't the end all be all to be sitting here, with a cup of coffee, working on something with God? Isn't that the goal? To be sitting with Him, drinking coffee, going over the day. Planing our next move? Man, what have I been missing?

I understand WHY I think the way I do, I grew up dirt poor. I know what its like not to have. I know what its like to struggle. To be alone. To be destitute. I know what its like to feel totally useless. Those experiences drive me to work harder and at the same time drive me towards hopelessness, towards apathy. The knowing damages my perspective and causes me to idolize an idea of prosperity that doesn't even make since. It causes me to throw out any idea that doesn't fit into my perspective. Whats more, is that I know it, I understand it, I am vigilant against it, and yet I succumb to it. I succumb to how I view those with wealth and those without wealth. I succumb to how I view men's hearts. To what they'd do with it. The knowing doesn't help.

Get this. Knowing doesn't change it. It took a moment with God to even really understand it. Prosperity isn't about the wealth or the lack of it. Its not about even "being content with what you have" its about being content with the PROCESS. Is about letting it happen and just sitting down brewing another cup of coffee, putting your hands to something and saying, whats the next move God? Prosper me.

So that is what I'm going to do.

Fear: An evaluated look, inspired by my Pastor

Fear: The root to the majority of our mistakes. It's the one thing God immediately drives from our hearts. It's
something that causes our faith to not work. It's something (ironically) that we're afraid to admit we have. It pushes us to do extraordinary things. It causes us to make terrible mistakes.

Tonight, Pastor Seth Trenda preached a really relevant message about "Brain Storms". About what happens in our minds when the Truth of God begins to conflict with our fears, our worries, our negative thoughts. He painted a vivid image of a thunderstorm swirling in our minds. The confusion. The worry. The Pain. The Fear that consumes us. I was struck uncommonly by this particular message.

Fear has always been relevant in my life.

When I was 9 years old I remember one of the worst nights of my life. My family was living on twenty acres near that Kalamath Falls area. Just outside of Chiloquin, Oregon. My father was away, dealing with some issues regarding our property. My three siblings and I were with my Grandmother outside. It was just turning dusk. A truck stormed through our property, coming to rest just outside our trailers. When we went outside, we found my father's ex-girlfriend and some older man sitting in the truck. They were clearly quite drunk. When my grandmother confronted them, the woman got out of the car and began screaming at my Grandmother. For whatever reason she didn't like her. In a few minutes my sixty plus grandmother was laying on the ground while a thirty something year old two hundred pound woman beat her to a bloody pulp. I have never been more afraid in all of my life. I remember my oldest sister and my little brother trying to pull her off my grandmother. All I could do was stand there and cry.

I didn't do anything. I was too afraid. To this day, I wish I had been brave enough to do something. Anything to stop her.

When I got older, I developed quite a hate for fear. I despise being afraid. I am too afraid of what might happen if I allow fear to control a situation (another irony). Sometimes I am belligerently aggressive about a situation because of how afraid I am of it. Often times, I make absolutely terribly decisions because I refuse to be afraid. I always see fear as being my enemy. I respond defensively to situations because of the fear that it might produce.

Tonight though, sometime dawned on me. There is a little something to fear that I never realized. I have always been good at "overcoming" my fears. In fact I prefer the "shock and awe" "overkill" kind of attitude towards it. What I have no been good at, is finding hope in my fears. When I think a situation is hopeless, I push through the fear anyway, but I do so hopelessly. I don't expect it to go well. I don't believe I have a possibility of success.

I try. Half heartily. I never invest too much into a situation or a plan because I allow my fears to take the hope. How. Utterly. Terrible. How stupid is that? I make war against fear but allow it to take the spoils. I give up the whole reason to be fighting in the first place. I surrender the prize. HOPE. And with hope goes everything else. Joy. Love. Overcoming.

As I reflected tonight on Pastor Seth's message it really caused me to evaluate my attitude towards fears. How I deal with them. The problem we have is that we allow our fears to define our hope. We have a specific idea about how a situation should turn out. We put our hope in that. Then, we put all our fear into it. When it doesn't come out the way we wanted and exactly what we feared comes on us (Job 3:25), we lose that hope. I think instead, our attitude should be to put our hope in God's goodness manifesting in a situation. Allow our hope to be that He will finish what he starts (Philippians 1:6).

Have hope that despite how you'd like the situation to turn out, or how you think it should turn out, God is doing a GOOD work in your life. Place hope in that.

Pay & Position

Recently I've taken a step back from most of my duties in ministry. I've volunteered for three and a half years in our media department at our church without pay or position. Neither of those things have ever really been something I wanted. Money is a means to an end, not something I really want but in the long run something I need. Position has never been a thing to concern me in the kingdom of God because God calls each of us to different roles and places in ministry and I'm not concerned with which is better. However it was these two reasons that demanded that I take a step back.

pay

While I was volunteering full-time at my church I also started a business with a friend of mine. We built and marketed websites. At first, it went pretty well. We got a few solid contracts and within a few months I was making a decent wage. However, balancing two full time jobs at once isn't really an easy thing to do. In both ministry and in my workplace I dropped the ball several times. I just wasn't capable of doing both at the same time. I'm not sure why. It probably had something to do with bad time management or just a lack of capacity to complete that much work under deadlines.

My inability to juggle both jobs really frustrated me. I was angry because BOTH were required of me and I was really only capable of doing ONE of them well at the same time. I have a very one tracked mind and it does not switch easily so moving from task to task was and is very difficult for me.

My work eventually took me to Israel. Where I had a once in a life experience being able to share meals and homes with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was like I was both observing and documenting an important event in my own life and at the same time, experiencing and being impacted by it. However, my attitude had become quite negative before leaving. I was so frustrated by my inability to complete tasks and to live up to the expectations put on me that I began to blame the situation I was in. Somehow, my attitude had become defeated.

So when I got back from Israel, I really began to search my own heart. When my finances began to decline and I couldn't find a way to improve them I decided to take a break from my ministry duties in order to try and improve my finances.

position

I never intended to hold a position in my church, my goal has been and always will be to do that which God called me to do in this season of my life, until he says otherwise. That is to server His church and His people. Its weird, despite never wanting a position as I server God I was raised up in the eyes of my peers and my leaders and those that I lead. I never intended to lead anything. I only wanted to server God and do as much as I could for His kingdom with whatever skills I had at my disposal. It wasn't until others spoke positions or leadership over my life that I actually desired it. Don't get me wrong. I love leading people. I love every aspect of leadership, and its that love for leadership that has always made me leering to lead. My greatest fear in ministry is my pride. I never want to feel entitled to a position or to role. Because I'm not. I never want to become so arrogant and proud that I can't hear someone's voice.

So when people began to push me to take a position in my church or to act as if I had one, I did. I took on all the responsibilities that came with it. I worked hard. I poured my heart and soul into my team, into my church, into my work. However, when it became evident that I would actually acquire a position I became very discouraged. Even more so when it became increasingly more apparent that the more I tried to fulfill that responsibility the more that some resented me for and the more that I began to realize that I had all of the responsibilities of a position without the authority to execute them. I was frustrated. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how basic or difficult the task I undertook, it never felt like a win once it was accomplished.

So, I reluctantly had to take a step back and evaluate what I was doing and why.

understanding

Now that I've had time to evaluate things I think I've began to really nail down my own personal shortcomings.

I desperately desire to work hard. Its a huge thing for me. If I'm not pushing myself to the breaking point I don't feel like I've worked. I want to know at the end of the day that I laid everything on the table. I have decided to take a stand on this and to really pray each day for ways to push myself and to accomplish more.

I can not server the church at a cost to my personal development. I need to continually be growing and learning and desiring more. In every area of my life.

If I work hard enough and faithfully enough, money will never be the problem.

I server for development, nothing else.

Most importantly. I have been called to a community of people. Not to a  position or to place. But to a people.

As I move into a new season of my life, I can't help but squirm with anticipation of whats to come. Growing up and getting older as a Christian is such an amazing experience because each new year comes with new ways to grow and new experiences with Christ.

Father, I pray will my full heart that you keep and kindle the fire that you set in my heart. That you keep my mind and my perspective on the positive. That you give me the patients and the diligence to battle my thought process and my negative habits. Teach me to be humble, to be loving and to be kind to everyone I encounter. And above else, teach me to be a son.