The Risk Is All Mine

I'm told I am a very black and white person. I have a tendency to make up my mind, draw a line in the sand and stand by what I believe. People have different impressions of what the says about me. I've been called fanatical, stubborn, hard headed, close minded, integris, loyal, faithful. Some people have seen it as a great weakness. Some people have seen it as a great strength. I'm sure there is truth to both sides. 

The truth is, it has never been a difficult thing for me to stand up for what I believe. I'm a deeply passionate and morally driven individual. I genuinely care about the issues that effect other's lives. I make a very plain connection between the issues that we have and the quality of life we experience. Most of the time I am so quickly moved by a wrong or injustice that my mouth vomits out my belief. This is true of the way I live my life as well. You could ask anyone close to me. It is near impossible to get me to act contrary to what I believe. After all, the risk is all mine.

What is difficult for me however, is to believe for other people. Something that, as a christian has really challenged me. I think the heart of it comes down to this. I have no problem risking my life, or my reputation. Fundamentally, I find character and truth to be infinity more valuable than any of the former. But, when it comes to risking those same things for other people's sake. I get more than a little nervous. It is a real test of what I believe.

I could convince myself that it is my care and love for people that causes this. That I value people so much so that I do not wish to risk any harm to them. But that's simply not true. I have to really evaluate why I value truth and character over life and reputation and I think that the root of that is found in Christ. From where I sit in life, from my own personal experience and understanding, I have found that the promises and character of God are infinity more valuable than anything I could obtain in this life. Greater that people. Greater than wealth or material possession. Greater than any title or position or influence.

 So if I truly believe that, and if I truly believe that Jesus Christ raised from the dead with the promise of eternal life and limitless all enveloping relationship, then if I really care about individuals, then I MUST believe the same thing for them. If I am not willing to risk those people's life and pride on the promises of God's truth and the greater truth in Christ's  Character, then one of two things are true. Either I do not love those people. Or I do not actually believe what I say I do.

This has been something that has weighed heavily on my heart in the recent months. With the understanding and God given revelation of this core belief, I have come to be so compelled to speak into other's lives and to intentionally reach out and risk other's in a way that has really tested my faith. It's been challenging to speak truth when no one wants to hear it and to directly stand in opposite of what seems to be plain fact. Many people have accused me of arrogance and religious dogma, they have a hard time understanding how risking other's can be a loving act. I can understand that. I'm willing to look the arrogant fool if it means other's will reap the fruit of intervention.

I'm glad Jesus was too.

Pay & Position

Recently I've taken a step back from most of my duties in ministry. I've volunteered for three and a half years in our media department at our church without pay or position. Neither of those things have ever really been something I wanted. Money is a means to an end, not something I really want but in the long run something I need. Position has never been a thing to concern me in the kingdom of God because God calls each of us to different roles and places in ministry and I'm not concerned with which is better. However it was these two reasons that demanded that I take a step back.

pay

While I was volunteering full-time at my church I also started a business with a friend of mine. We built and marketed websites. At first, it went pretty well. We got a few solid contracts and within a few months I was making a decent wage. However, balancing two full time jobs at once isn't really an easy thing to do. In both ministry and in my workplace I dropped the ball several times. I just wasn't capable of doing both at the same time. I'm not sure why. It probably had something to do with bad time management or just a lack of capacity to complete that much work under deadlines.

My inability to juggle both jobs really frustrated me. I was angry because BOTH were required of me and I was really only capable of doing ONE of them well at the same time. I have a very one tracked mind and it does not switch easily so moving from task to task was and is very difficult for me.

My work eventually took me to Israel. Where I had a once in a life experience being able to share meals and homes with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. It was like I was both observing and documenting an important event in my own life and at the same time, experiencing and being impacted by it. However, my attitude had become quite negative before leaving. I was so frustrated by my inability to complete tasks and to live up to the expectations put on me that I began to blame the situation I was in. Somehow, my attitude had become defeated.

So when I got back from Israel, I really began to search my own heart. When my finances began to decline and I couldn't find a way to improve them I decided to take a break from my ministry duties in order to try and improve my finances.

position

I never intended to hold a position in my church, my goal has been and always will be to do that which God called me to do in this season of my life, until he says otherwise. That is to server His church and His people. Its weird, despite never wanting a position as I server God I was raised up in the eyes of my peers and my leaders and those that I lead. I never intended to lead anything. I only wanted to server God and do as much as I could for His kingdom with whatever skills I had at my disposal. It wasn't until others spoke positions or leadership over my life that I actually desired it. Don't get me wrong. I love leading people. I love every aspect of leadership, and its that love for leadership that has always made me leering to lead. My greatest fear in ministry is my pride. I never want to feel entitled to a position or to role. Because I'm not. I never want to become so arrogant and proud that I can't hear someone's voice.

So when people began to push me to take a position in my church or to act as if I had one, I did. I took on all the responsibilities that came with it. I worked hard. I poured my heart and soul into my team, into my church, into my work. However, when it became evident that I would actually acquire a position I became very discouraged. Even more so when it became increasingly more apparent that the more I tried to fulfill that responsibility the more that some resented me for and the more that I began to realize that I had all of the responsibilities of a position without the authority to execute them. I was frustrated. No matter how hard I tried and no matter how basic or difficult the task I undertook, it never felt like a win once it was accomplished.

So, I reluctantly had to take a step back and evaluate what I was doing and why.

understanding

Now that I've had time to evaluate things I think I've began to really nail down my own personal shortcomings.

I desperately desire to work hard. Its a huge thing for me. If I'm not pushing myself to the breaking point I don't feel like I've worked. I want to know at the end of the day that I laid everything on the table. I have decided to take a stand on this and to really pray each day for ways to push myself and to accomplish more.

I can not server the church at a cost to my personal development. I need to continually be growing and learning and desiring more. In every area of my life.

If I work hard enough and faithfully enough, money will never be the problem.

I server for development, nothing else.

Most importantly. I have been called to a community of people. Not to a  position or to place. But to a people.

As I move into a new season of my life, I can't help but squirm with anticipation of whats to come. Growing up and getting older as a Christian is such an amazing experience because each new year comes with new ways to grow and new experiences with Christ.

Father, I pray will my full heart that you keep and kindle the fire that you set in my heart. That you keep my mind and my perspective on the positive. That you give me the patients and the diligence to battle my thought process and my negative habits. Teach me to be humble, to be loving and to be kind to everyone I encounter. And above else, teach me to be a son.

Take Captives...

As we become closer to God, our weaknesses become more apparent. Its not hard to see where we have fallen short. When compared to the living God... the perfect being... we always find ourselves lacking. Don't mistake this for a glorified pity party. Our recognition of our weakness comes hand in hand with the realization of God's amazing grace on us and the strength that He provides for us daily. However in that weakness we often find that our thoughts run wild.

I have always been one to immediately become frustrated with people. I would rather hit someone with a chair than actually deal with them. I don't like being slowed down. I don't like miss-communication. I don't like laziness or failure. Ironically all things I'm very guilty of. However, I tend to become impatient with people. I want them to get their crap together so I can move on with my life... this has never been a secret to me. I've always known of my inpatients but until Christ I never knew what to do with it. I could never process the irony of my failures being my greatest annoyance.

That is, until I understand the meaning of taking thoughts captive.

I'm a fighter. I'm a warrior. I like to break stuff. I like to bulldoze through things. I love overwhelming force. I love quick and decisive victory. So these words came to me with great weight. Take your thoughts captive... amazing. Imprison them. Don't let them run free. Keep them in a cage. Lock them away. I love it. Its a great idea. However... its unhealthy. You can't just lock stuff up and hope it goes away. You can't just bottle up emotion and frustration. It doesn't work. Eventually that coke can is going to blow up. Eventually I'll lose my patients.

Thats where things get tricky. Take them captive, and give them to Christ. Surrender them to Christ. Let Jesus take them and punish them accordingly. Let him take care of your stress and frustration. Let him deal with you in all your imperfectness. Thats what Hes really doing here. Hes dealing with you. Your pride. Your arrogance. Your temper. Let him do it. You suck at it. You can't deal with you. You're bigger than you can handle.

Thats genius! I can't deal with me! I'm too head strong! I'm too unbending! I'm too darn prideful! I'd rather punch me than talk to me! Let God do it. Let him deal with my unreasonable attitude. Let him deal with my temper. Hes probably a lot better at it, considering He made me.

This, has changed my life. I have learned that when my temper is let loose... or I start to become impatient or unreasonable... its time to get a little closer to the Lord. Its time to let God deal with my attitude. Intense worship of Him is the only way to deal with me. Demanding that my flesh submit to my God.

He always shows up. And He always helps me to understand myself, to deal with the root of the issue. To allow me the opportunity to put myself down and actually take up my cross. And when He does... my perspective begins to change. Suddenly I'm not so right. Suddenly I begin to really understand the situation. Its like a veil is lifted. Finally I can see. All I had to do was take captive my naive thoughts and hand them over to Christ to filter and understand. Its a great system. Take Captives.