I've got nothing to say

Something that has really been bothering me lately is my need to speak. I've never put a whole lot of merit in words. They're cheap and easy to use. I've always tried to have my actions speak for themselves. I admit even with my actions I have failed to uphold the values that I want to. Worse, even though I don't put much value in words I tend to use them frequently. That bothers me. Matthew 12:36 says:

"But I tell you that everyone will have to give account on the day of judgment for every empty word they have spoken."

I'm not sure I want to be there when that list is read.

If I'm honest with myself I think that the reason I speak so much was developed out of insecurity and eventually became habit. People have never really cared about anything I've had to say, which really wouldn't be all bad if they didn't also try to find fault in everything I say. 

Even since I was young people have always assumed that I speak with arrogance. I was raised to stand up for what I believe and that "right is right". I took a really extremest attitude about that. I have never backed down from a point of view or an idea until its been utterly disproved or rejected. Even then I really wouldn't be that upset about being disproved or being wrong, but people have always had the need to gloat and talk down to me for my mistakes.

My family were the worst at this. Conversations were usually "dog-eat-dog" the alpha was always who was right. This didn't just apply to our words but our actions. Every mistake was punished. So I developed a defense. I never took anything seriously. Everything was a joke. Every answer was sarcastic. It's hard to punish someone for being wrong if they're never serious about an answer. I passive aggressively fought back with sarcasm. When I was right, I steam rolled people. I figured that if it hurt enough the first time someone wanted to argue with me, they'd stop arguing with me. It worked. Really well.

Now, I have to retrain the entire way I conduct conversation. I have to completely renew my mind in the way that I approach disagreements. I have to be conscious of every word I speak. What's really awkward about that is that the more I renew my brain in the way I talk, I find that I have a whole lot less to say. Frankly I'm really ok with that. I've always been the one with the unpopular opinion, I've always thought differently than other people and I think that's a good thing. However, learning to know when its appropriate to share those opinions is an entirely different ball game.

For now, I've got nothing to say.