Violent

I have determined in my life, that I will serve God. When I had reached the end of my rope, with no desire to continue on. No vision for a future. No desire for anything this world had to offer. God offered me more. I remember Him offering an exchange. Give him my life and He will give me a new one. My options were fairly limited, being that we all are only given one life. So I accepted. I accepted Jesus as my Lord. Not just my savior. My master. My commander. My king. I pledged my life to build His kingdom. I've done so willingly, lovingly and freely.

More than a few times, this pledge has been tested to breaking point. I have spent many restless nights struggling with my desire to continue. I truly don't want anything in this life. I have no drive for it. No desire. There may be a fickle want. But no real desire. Nothing in this world has proven to me to be redeeming of a life lived on it, other than the Resurrection of Christ and its power to change people. To redeem them. And so, at the end of the day it is Christ that I must cling to. Nothing else can justify my existence, nothing and no one else can give me hope.

I have recently, been going through one of these bending points. Through many circumstances I have found myself in a sort of Lamentations existence. Feeling a lot like Solomon at the end of the day, that all this work and effort is simple vanity. That my efforts, to build a team, a business and myself have been in vain, without worth. You see, its easy to see the value in your work when something tangible or visible comes out of it. That work is justified by the product. However when you find your labors, which in this case were great, have produced nothing... its a shaking experience.

I remember once listening to my Pastor, Glen Johnson tell our staff about feeling like he was "leading through the swamp". How easy it is to want to give up when you're in the middle of the swamp and you're dragging everyone behind you along. As frustrating as situations like that are... that idea penetrates to my core. The idea that God would send a group or even a single person to carry His people. That he would take someone and give them influence with others, and lay a mantle of responsibility on their shoulders so great, that all those behind him depended on him. Wow. What. If. He. Gave. Up.

In this particular rough season, I have learned a great deal about myself. I have found that I am deeply wounded by two things. Dishonesty and disloyalty. Its easy for me to accept a person who doesn't like me, there are many. I don't expect people to understand me, I've never been very good at communicating it. I often choose truth over popularity. I say things people don't want to hear. Its not hard to find a reason to dislike me. I can handle that. Its understandable to me. However, to be dishonest... that's a hard pill to swallow. The problem with dishonesty is that it causes us to question the legitimacy of others actions and words. It makes them hallow. In the same since, I can understand people who don't rout in my corner. Everyone has different allegiances and affiliations. Everyone has their favorite team or favorite person. I don't expect to be everyone's favorite, no one should, its unhealthy. However Its difficult to understand people who will rout in your corner one day, and leave you to fall another. And so when I find people are dishonest with me or disloyal... that relationship becomes hallow. Empty.

This, I truly fear is one of my most terrible flaws. Its difficult to have forgiveness for me in these areas. Its difficult to forget. I have had to stretch myself, push harder, try harder to truly let go over wrongs like this.

I have also learned that I have allowed these vulnerabilities and wounds to incapacitate me. I have, in these instances become worthless. Unable to either act or care. My desires for God's kingdom becomes overwhelmed with my lack of desire to deal with this world. It isn't worth it. Not without God. I become distant from Him.

I have found in myself that it is necessarily in these times, when things get rough and I want to just quit... everything... that I become violent. That I forcefully push foreword. Its in these times that my efforts are most needed. That my strength is most tested. I have never been very good at quitting anything, I have always found that where others have given up that I always have a little bit extra to push through. Often despite knowing that I could go further, push harder, get through... that I have purposely slowed down, slacked. Given way. I have measured myself up against others and allowed their best to dictate my best. I don't want to just be average though. I don't want to stand before Christ and say that measured against another man I have given more, tried harder. I have my own potential. My own strength that Christ has given me. When I stand before His throne, I have to answer to my measuring up against that potential.

And so, despite this weakness and failure, I have decided to push on. There are many areas of my life that need work, many that require my attention. Instead of allowing myself to be overwhelmed by these challenges, I have made the choice to push through them, because I know that I have the strength to do it and I believer the Word that was set before me saying it is worth it. So I set myself violently against the obstacles both in this world and in myself.