Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness...

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.
[2 Timothy 2:22]

I have strived for 3 years in an attempt to maintain purity in both my mind and body. In the society that we live, this is a fight with many causalities. It is not a fight one can take lighthearted. I have my own personal shames and failures in this fight. Yet, in spite of its difficulty and near impossible goal... I push on.

It is not some extreme source of will power or some divine mantle that has given me such a drive to fight. I have been given a very good reason to fight. I have never engaged in a relationship with a girl in which I did not place my full heart on the table. I have and I will always love people as if I will love them forever. Especially those who I had developed feelings for. I am a covenant man. I am imperfect and fail, but I never forget those who I have committed to. I have always been this way, it is a God instilled trait. It is part of my character. As Paul put it: 

"for God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." 

[Romans 11:29]

Because of this, I have suffered. My poor choices and fickle heart have in the past drawn me in to my own self inflicted defeat. If I were to relate myself best to a biblical character, I think tragically I would best compare to Samson.

Before Christ entered my life, this combination brought me to the brink of despair. Incapable of functioning. It bound me. Crushed me. I had become a shell of the man who I once strived to become. My heart you see, was poisoned. I had discovered realities of this world that made life not worth living.

Fidelity was no longer chief. It was no longer established above relationships. In fact I doubted the possibility of its existence. Fidelity being the value I held most dear. Trust was gone. There was only me. Despite my unwavering loyalty and dedication to those I love. I found that it was never returned when it was most needed.

Chivalry was dead. It was no longer acceptable in our society. I could no longer throw my coat down for a lady to walk across, I could no longer open doors for ladies without being told I was a chauvinist. My strength, both mental spiritual and physical was no longer needed. Women did not want a man who protected and cared for them. What had once been seen as true manly behavior had become a twisted and tainted belief. It was dead. Women did not want to be a damsel in distress. They did not want to be saved. To be sought after. The place and the purpose that I had drawn my strength was found to be an empty crypt. 

Purity was lost. I found that despite my best efforts to maintain my purity (even before Christ's intervention in my life) it was in vain. Purity was no longer valued. It was mocked. Virginity was without value. A clean mind was without place. Things that I desperately fought for. They had become fool's gold. I had been chasing the wrong treasure. My desire for a pure relationship. A pure marriage, had become hopeless.

I found myself in a world I did not wish to be a part of. Love had been my purpose. Every goal and achievement in my life. All the knowledge and effort I had put into my mind, became suddenly worthless. My world had become pain. I had placed my heart out for the world to see, given my strength away. It came back wanting.

Then suddenly, in all that pain... when death had become a longing... like the desire to run away... like a pool of water in the desert. Desirable, promising, peaceful... a savior stepped in.

He restored me. Filled me. Held me together in the cold nights... when despite my service and loyalty... I could still feel the pain. Slowly... like a nurse ministering to a man recovering from war, he brought me back to life.

Three years, I have pursued purity. I have forsaken all relationships. I have forsaken all intimacy. I have given up any form of love that does not meet the requirements of Christ Jesus. I have decided that I will wait forever. For Fidelity. For Chivalry. For Purity. That at the end of my days if I never experience love again, the love of Christ will sustain me. I will stand alone. Forever. For the sake of what is right and true.

Because even when the world comes down on me. Even when this earthly love fails me, there is a savior who will tear apart heaven and earth if I call on His name. He is faithful to answer. He is pure and without blemish. And yet, despite the fact that I am not. He still is.

So I will flee, and I will run. I will run with the young men who have taken up the difficult fight for purity. I will pursue righteousness. Faith. Love. Peace. Because of first my God, who I owe all loyalty and faith. But also because if I can't do so for the one Christ has picked out for me, then how could I ever expect her to.